Laying Flowers
by Brandywine421
Summary: Ryan's sick and it's more complicated than anyone imagined. Will he let his new family help him through?
1. One

Disclaimer: I don't own anything OC related.

* * *

_In just 1 hour they'll be  
Laying flowers  
On my life, it's over tonight  
I'm not messing, no, I  
Need your blessing  
And your promise to live free  
Please do it for me  
--Jem  
_

* * *

"Ryan? Are you still sick?" Kirsten stepped into the poolhouse and let her concern show. Ryan absolutely hated it when people fussed over him; he never seemed to know how to handle people that were worried about him. But she was worried about him. He'd confessed to her after dinner the night before that he had been nauseous for about a week. He'd been throwing up after every meal and it wasn't going away. He was paler and Seth had told her that he was always tired.

There was no answer. She went to the bathroom and knocked softly. After a moment, the door opened. "Ryan?"

"Still sick," He whispered. Kirsten immediately put her hand against his forehead but he wasn't feverish.

"Will you let me take you to the doctor now?"

"I'm sure it's just a bug," Ryan replied.

"Please?"

"I have a test today in first period. If I'm still sick tomorrow, then…"

"How about I pick you up after your test?" Kirsten asked.

Ryan sighed. "Okay."

"Okay? Okay. I'll go make you an appointment while you're getting ready for school."

* * *

Ryan had never felt this badly before. He'd been sick for at least two weeks. He had no strength, he kept getting dizzy and he couldn't eat. Seth and Summer had been watching him like a hawk, they both said it was because he was depressed over his breakup with Marissa but it wasn't. He hadn't thought about Marissa in weeks. He'd felt too badly. 

He followed Seth and Summer through the double doors toward their lockers. It was the same routine every day. First they'd stop at Summer's locker and Seth would kiss her goodbye. Next they'd go to Ryan's locker and last to Seth's locker.

Today, he started feeling dizzy at step two. He was standing in front of his locker and Seth was talking in his ear about something totally adorable that Summer had done and the next thing he knew, he was slamming his head against the floor.

"Ryan…Ryan…"

"Ow…" He put his hand at the back of his head where it had hit the floor before he realized that he had passed out.

"Man…are you all right? What happened?" Seth was panicked.

"I just got dizzy…" Ryan admitted. It wasn't the first time. He'd passed out at Luke's last week but had convinced him not to tell anyone. He reached out his hand for Seth to help him up but his friend just shook his head at him.

"No, dude, just stay down a second…" Seth said. He already had his phone to his ear to call his mother.

"I'm fine, Seth…" Ryan said, but Luke and Summer joined the crowd that had gathered and he knew that he was busted.

"Dude, what happened?" Luke pulled him to his feet and pushed him until he was leaning against the lockers.

"I just got dizzy…" Ryan insisted. "I'm fine now…"

"You're not fine, dude. That's the second time you've fallen out in the past week," Luke said immediately.

"Mom's picking you up out front, she's already called Dr. Kim…" Seth said to him before turning to Luke. "You said he's passed out before?"

"Last week at my house. He said he thought he'd gotten too hot…" Luke said.

"Guys. I'm fine," Ryan insisted.

"You're not fine. You just collapsed. You have to go to the doctor…" Summer started.

"Kirsten's taking me after my test…" Ryan protested.

"She's taking you now," Seth responded, pulling him by the arm through the milling crowd toward the door.

"Seth…"

"No. You're going to the doctor. Who's going to have my back if you can't even stand up straight? You're scaring the hell out of me, man," Seth said, stopping and turning to face him. His face was drawn with worry. "This isn't normal."

The Range Rover squealed to a halt in front of the building.

"Your mom's going to kick my ass," Ryan sighed as he started down the stairs. Seth followed him all the way to the street.

"What happened?" Kirsten asked through the open window.

"He fainted…"

"I just got dizzy…"

"He fell out in the floor. Luke said he passed out last week at his house, too," Seth said before Ryan could scold him.

"It's nothing…" Ryan started.

"Get in the truck, Ryan. Now."

* * *

Sandy met Kirsten at the hospital. "Kirsten, what…" 

"Can you talk to him?" She asked immediately.

"Kirsten…"

"Ryan collapsed at school today. I took him to the doctor and he was fine, he was cooperating, he was being honest but the doctor said he had to send Ryan here for more tests and now…and now he won't say anything…" Kirsten said in a rush. Sandy embraced her while he let her words catch up to his brain.

"Honey, just calm down…what did the doctor say?"

"He said that Ryan's blood tests were abnormal. He's anemic and the fact that he hasn't been able to keep food down has weakened his system…but he couldn't tell me why…" Kirsten said, composing herself. She pulled out of his embrace. "He's so mad at me…"

"Ryan's not mad at you, he just hates having people hovering over him…have you been hovering?"

"Of course I have, you know how I feel about hospitals, I'm not going to leave him alone in a place like this, it's scary…"

"Have you considered the fact that Ryan might be scared, too? Maybe that's why he's being so hard to get along with…let's find out." Sandy followed her down the hall toward a room. "Is he alone in there?"

"The doctor's with him…" Kirsten replied. She knocked on the door and an unfamiliar voice told them to come in.

"Dr. Harris, this is my husband, Sandy," Kirsten introduced the doctor.

Ryan glared at them both, clearly upset. "Sandy, can't you please tell them that they're overreacting…"

"Can I talk to him a minute?" Sandy asked the doctor. The doctor nodded and led Kirsten to the hallway.

"Sandy…" Ryan started.

"No. I'm talking first," Sandy said gently, standing in front of Ryan and taking his shoulders in his hand. "You are not okay. You are sick and you have to let the doctors find out what's wrong with you."

"I'm not sick…"

"You're sick, Ryan. You can't eat and you collapsed. Look at me and tell me that you're 100 percent and I'll believe you." Sandy waited for the boy to meet his eyes.

"Sandy…I'll be fine…"

"Kirsten and I are your guardians. We're your parents now and it's our job to take care of you. Let us take care of you. I know you're pissed off that you're stuck here but if it makes you feel better…isn't it worth it?" Sandy asked.

"But…"

"What's going on?"

Ryan sighed as Sandy released him. "I just…I don't want to be here, Sandy…"

"I know. I know you're probably scared, but you'll be fine. You're a strong kid. The doctors just need to run some tests and I'm sure that you'll be back to normal in no time…"

"I don't like this…I know Kirsten's pissed at me, but…"

"She's worried. Please, Ryan. It's for the best."

Ryan nodded and seemed to steady himself before meeting Sandy's gaze again. "I trust you. If you say it's for the best…I believe you."

"Okay. Glad to hear it. And Kirsten and I will be right here, we're not leaving you with the doctors, okay?"

Ryan nodded. "Will you tell Kirsten that I'm sorry?"

"You can tell her yourself," Sandy replied. He wished that Ryan and Kirsten were on better terms but he knew that Ryan was terrified of losing another mother and wouldn't allow himself to get attached to her. Kirsten just couldn't seem to get through to him but Sandy knew that Ryan would do anything for her and that he loved her more than he'd ever admit.

"I'm going to go throw up now," Ryan said after a short pause as Sandy went to get his wife and the doctor.

* * *

Sandy was pacing. Kirsten was sitting on Ryan's vacated bed watching Sandy pace. 

"Sandy, come here." She patted the bed beside her and he finally stopped and sat down with her. "He's going to be fine."

Ryan had become docile and obedient after his talk with Sandy. He'd apologized politely to the doctor and hadn't complained since. Some orderlies had taken him for some additional tests while Sandy and Kirsten waited.

"What did Seth say?"

"That he should be here. Summer's bringing him. He's pissed we didn't call him when we went to the hospital," Kirsten replied.

"He's protective."

"They both are."

"They're good boys."

"Yes."

They sat in silence. Sandy's hand found his wife's and squeezed it tightly.

The door opened and a nurse pushed Ryan inside. He didn't even complain about the wheelchair and gave them a weak smile. They both stood up.

"How'd it go?" Sandy asked.

"He's a little claustrophobic but he did great," The nurse smiled.

Ryan stood up when she finally stopped by the bed. Once the nurse left he sat down on the bed and looked at Sandy. "They want me to stay longer."

"Well, Ryan, the doctor…" Sandy started.

"They say I have cancer," Ryan added.

"What? Who told you that?" Kirsten gasped.

"The techs in the MRI room. I heard them talking. They were talking about what they were looking for and…" Ryan started.

"Ryan…I'm sure that…" Sandy started.

"I heard them. They think I have cancer…" He whispered. "And…and I really need one of you to tell me that they're wrong…"

Kirsten saw that he was shaking. She stepped over and embraced him tightly. He shook in her arms. "You're going to be fine, I'm sure it's all just a mistake and even if it's not, we'll take care of you, you're going to be fine…"

Sandy found that he couldn't move. He was frozen. Ryan had started to cry and Kirsten was rocking him as he sobbed into her shoulder. Sandy finally realized that he couldn't let Ryan see him upset so he quickly left the room. He stepped into the hallway and leaned against the door as it closed behind him.

"Dad?" Seth's voice was laced with worry.

"Seth…"

"Dad, what is it, is Ryan okay?" Seth asked immediately.

"I need to go find his doctor, your mother's with Ryan, give them a few minutes before you go in…" Sandy couldn't face his son either and started to turn away.

Seth grabbed his elbow. "Dad. Chill. What's going on?"

"I have to find his doctor." Sandy walked away from his son.

Summer took Seth's hand and stopped him before he burst into the room. "I'm sure it's nothing, Seth."

"Did you just see my dad?" Seth whispered.

"I think it's worse…I can hear Chino crying in there…" Summer whispered, leaning her head against the door. "Are you sure we should be here?"

Seth paused and steadied himself. He could hear his mother speaking quietly inside the room. He knocked. "It's Seth."

"Come in, Seth," Kirsten said after a pause.

Seth stepped in with Summer. Kirsten was sitting alone on the bed and he saw the bathroom door close. "What's going on?"

"Ryan just had to use the bathroom…" She responded.

"But Dad is freaked out…" Seth started.

"We don't know anything, Seth. Can you stay with Ryan while I go find your father? I'll be right back…"

"We're not going anywhere," Summer said.


	2. Two

_AN: Thanks for the kind reviews. Probably won't be as kind after this chapter, but oh well. Hope you enjoy. _

* * *

Ryan stepped out of the bathroom and recognized Seth and Summer sitting beside the bed. "Hey."

"Hey, man, you all right?"

"Yeah. They're still poking and prodding me," Ryan said. He decided that he shouldn't mention what he heard to Seth after seeing Kirsten and Sandy's responses. Not to mention the way it made him feel, too. He couldn't take Seth getting upset, he knew he wouldn't be able to hold it together.

"Mom and Dad are pretty…"

"My fault. I sort of wigged out," Ryan said immediately. "I don't like hospitals."

"Well, who does, but…"

"They haven't told us anything," Ryan said, sitting down on the bed.

"Ryan, what's going on?" Summer asked quietly.

"They say I'm anemic and they don't know why. That's why I'm here for tests instead of the doctor's office," Ryan said slowly.

"So, they're still running tests and they _really_ haven't told you anything?"

"Yeah," Ryan nodded.

"And my parents were bugging out because..." Seth said.

"Because they still haven't told us anything," Ryan replied evenly. He stretched out on the bed.

"Why are you getting all comfortable?" Seth asked, still disbelieving.

"I have to wait here for the doctors and your parents. I'm beat," He admitted.

"You're not…" Seth started.

"Seth. Give him a minute," Summer said quietly.

"This really sucks, Seth," Ryan whispered, turning away from his friends.

"Yeah. I didn't mean to pester you, I'm just…" Seth started.

"Worried," Summer finished.

"Yeah. Me, too," Ryan whispered. He closed his eyes.

Seth turned to Summer and started to gesture widely with his hands, clearly agitated.

"Seth. It's cool. I just want to rest a few minutes, okay?" Ryan could sense his agitation.

"Okay," Seth replied. "Rest…"

"Seth. Relax."

"Relax, sure…"

"Chino, I'm going to take Cohen for a quick walk. We'll be back in a few minutes…"

"Thanks, Summer."

* * *

Ryan heard the Cohens arguing with the doctors in the hallway when he woke up several minutes later. He hadn't really intended to sleep, just to get Seth off his back, but he'd fallen asleep anyway.

"He's a child and your incompetent staff just told him he has cancer!" Kirsten's voice was high pitched and angry.

But he knew that it was true. She wouldn't be so angry if they'd gotten him scared over a lie. He had cancer. He slowly got out of bed and went to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He looked at his face in the mirror.

His pale skin. His sunken eyes. His tiredness. Was this what he looked like while he was dying? He'd always expected a current of blood and intense pain. A bullet or a knife. Not cancer.

Cancer.

Ryan hadn't been weak since he was a child. He learned fast that you had to stay strong if you wanted to make it. But he was weak. He had cancer.

He was going to die. It would eat away at him until he was too weak to survive.

He'd always known he was going to die but he never thought it'd be like this.

He didn't want to die like this. Not when he'd come so far. He finally had a real family and a real chance.

And he was going to die.

"Ryan? Ryan, are you in here?" Sandy's voice was worried from outside the bathroom.

Ryan splashed water on his face. He wouldn't let them see him upset again. He stepped out of the bathroom.

"Ryan. Are you sick again?" Sandy asked, concerned.

"No. I'm okay," Ryan said.

"Ryan, the doctors are coming in to talk to us about…"

"I heard you and Kirsten in the hallway. It's true."

Sandy didn't have to answer, Ryan could read his face.

"Did you tell Seth?"

"Ryan…"

"You should tell Seth. He's not going to like it."

"Ryan…"

"I don't think he should be here when the doctors talk to me. He…he won't be able to handle it. Can you make Summer take him home?"

"Ryan, slow down and listen to me…" Sandy started.

"Will you ask Seth to go home? Please?" Ryan asked as he sat down on the bed.

"I don't think he's going to listen to me. He's frantic already…" Sandy replied slowly. He'd never seen Ryan so stricken that he was talking so fast. He had to find a way to calm him down without driving them both into more of a panic. Sandy had to be strong for Ryan.

"I don't want him here. Tell him that. If you want me to send him home, send him in…"

"Ryan, where's this coming from? I mean…"

"I don't want to tell my best friend that I have cancer. That's it. I don't want him to come in here and look at me like I'm pathetic, like I'm dying…I want him to go home and sleep on it so he can come back and cheer me up. I don't want to see him, Sandy…" Ryan said in a rush.

Sandy sat down beside Ryan on the bed. He put his hand on Ryan's back gently. "I will talk to Seth. Right now I need to talk to you."

"What's there to talk about?"

"Ryan. There is treatment. There's a mass in your stomach. They aren't 100 sure that its cancer, they need to operate to find out for sure. Are you listening?"

"I'm listening," Ryan whispered. He was listening but he wasn't processing. He had cancer. Nothing else really mattered.

"They're going to prep you for surgery in a few minutes. I know it's really fast, but we want them to investigate and take care of it as soon as they can…"

"Surgery?" First cancer. Now surgery?

"They need to find out if the mass is malignant. If it's spread…they need to remove it, Ryan."

Ryan's eyes were locked on the floor and Sandy could see his mind processing his words.

"Ryan. Kirsten and I are right here for you…"

"And you think this is the only way?"

"Yes."

After a long silence, he nodded. "Okay. I'll do…I'll do whatever you think is best."

"We'll get through this, okay? Ryan?" Sandy waited for him to meet his gaze. "I promised you that I'd take care of you and I meant it. We'll get through this."

Ryan forced himself to nod. He was still stunned but he couldn't disagree. He wanted to believe Sandy. He needed to believe Sandy.

"Ryan. Look at me, please, son…" Sandy urged.

"I…I don't know what to say," He admitted. "I'm so fucking scared that I don't even know what to say…"

"This is all very sudden, Ryan, I wish there was more time for us to adjust…but we have to do this. We need to do this now," Sandy said quietly.

"I…I trust you. If you think this is right…do it. I have no experience with shit like this…" He whispered.

Sandy put his arm around Ryan's shoulders. "No one should have experience with this. It's going to be okay, Ryan. Kirsten and I will take care of you, okay?"

"Where is Kirsten?"

Sandy didn't want to tell him that she was crying her eyes out in the waiting room with the chaplain. "She's on her way."

"Your mom…she's got cancer…Kirsten's mom died of cancer…I know she's not going to want to do this…"

"Kid, you're only seventeen. You'll get over this. Listen. I know you're scared, I'm scared, too. But we have to stick together and keep talking and we'll make it through this...okay?"

Ryan nodded. He had to listen to Sandy. Sandy had always taken care of him, well, since he'd met him. He trusted him. He really trusted him. If Sandy said that he could get better…he'd take that and run with it. He could do this. He could beat this.

"Okay, kid. Keep your chin up, okay?" Sandy said, glad to see that Ryan's eyes had unglazed slightly and he was listening.

Seth and Summer stepped into the room. "Hey, sorry we took so long…"

"Seth, can I talk to you?" Sandy asked.

"No, Sandy. I…I'll tell him. Go find Kirsten," Ryan shuddered, clearly steadying himself.

"Are you…"

"I should tell him. It's okay," Ryan said, giving Sandy permission to leave.

"Dude, what is going on?" Seth's voice was quiet but Ryan could tell he was upset by the fact that Summer was gripping his arm tightly to keep him in check.

"Seth…I really need you not to freak out," Ryan said slowly. He met his best friend's gaze. "Really."

"You're a little late on that, Chino," Summer whispered.

"Okay. So, I'm sick," Ryan whispered.

"Yeah, we got that…" Seth said.

"I need surgery. They think…they think I have cancer," Ryan finished.

Summer gasped. She released Seth and disappeared from the room, upset.

"Seth…"

"Dude…are you sure?"

"They want me to have surgery…like, now. So they'll know for sure. So they can see if it spread. So they can see if…"

"Stop," Seth whispered. He was looking at Ryan with an anguished look on his face. "Man…"

"I…I really need you to not be weird about this, man. Really," Ryan whispered.

Seth took several tentative steps until he was standing beside Ryan's bed. "I…I can't stop being weird just because you have cancer."

Ryan glanced at him and finally broke into a smile. "Okay, man. Sorry…"

"Dude, you're so going to get through this. You're the toughest guy I know…" Seth's voice was shaking but he continued. "You're going to beat this shit like you beat up Luke, you're going to pummel it…"

"Okay, man, enough…" Ryan smiled, comforted by Seth's attempt at cheering him up.

The nurses stepped in to get Ryan ready for surgery. Seth made no effort to move.

"Sir? We need to get your friend ready for surgery. It'll only be a few minutes, okay?"

"It's cool, Seth. Thanks. Go check on Summer," Ryan said.

"I'll be right back, I want to see you before they take you, okay?"

"Thanks."

* * *

Seth stepped into the hallway and leaned heavily against the door. Sandy was standing with his back to him with a phone pressed against his ear. Seth tried to catch his breath. He didn't even know he'd lost his breath but he couldn't seem to breathe deeply like people were supposed to when they were panicking.

Ryan had cancer. The guy who was always behind him, always taking care of him and picking him up off the pavement and punching the guy who put him there was having surgery because he had cancer. Ryan Atwood, hero and overall great guy had cancer.

Seth wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. Ryan saved his life. Not literally or anything but he definitely brought Seth out of his self-imposed teenage depression.

He owed Ryan everything.

Ryan needed him to be the strong one now.

Seth had to be the strong brother.

"Seth?"

Seth glanced up at his father. "You're getting him good doctors, right, Dad?"

"The chief of oncology is assisting the chief of surgery. Caleb comes in good for something, right? How are you holding up?"

"He says…he says he has cancer…" Seth whispered, shaking as his father embraced him.

"He's a strong kid. He's going to be okay…"

"He's…he's scared, Dad. I've never seen him scared…."

"It's Chino," Summer said, approaching with Kirsten. "He's not going to let some stupid disease knock him down. He'll glare at it and give it the silent treatment, Cohen, he'll be fine…" She said, pulling him into a tense hug.

"Where'd you run off to?" He asked.

"I…I needed a minute. But I'm okay now. Are you okay?"

Seth turned to face his parents. "We have to be okay. For Ryan. Right?"

"Right," Kirsten and Sandy nodded.

One of the nurses stepped out. "He's ready for surgery. The doctors will be coming for him shortly."

"Can we…" Seth started to ask.

"He asked to be alone, I think he's a little nervous. Maybe one of the parents should go in," The nurse gave him a patient smile.

"I'll go. I shouldn't have rushed out on him like that, I want to talk to him…" Kirsten said immediately. She paused by the door. "He's going to be fine."

Ryan was sitting up in bed, staring at the IV the nurses had put into his hand. His blue eyes barely acknowledged her. "Hey."

"Hey. I know you want to be alone and I know that you think this is all my fault for making you come…"

"If you hadn't made me come, we wouldn't know I have cancer. It's not your fault, I'm sick. It's not like I played in the rain too long or ate your cooking…"

She felt tears in her eyes at his small joke. He was trying to be strong but all she could see was the fear behind his eyes. He had the most delicate eyelashes, thick and long but they couldn't hide his fear. She'd never seen him scared. Not like this. She went to his side. "Oh, Ryan…"

"Don't…don't cry, Kirsten…" He whispered.

She knew he hated to be touched but someone needed to comfort him. She reached out and touched his shoulders and he shuddered as she continued, finally pulling him into a hug.

"It's going to be okay," She murmured softly. She didn't know if he was shaking or if she was losing control of her emotions. She was startled when she felt him wind his arms around her, holding her carefully. "We promised to take care of you and we meant it. It's going to be okay. You can trust us…"

"I…I do…I trust you…I…"

"I hope so," She whispered, not releasing him. She felt his breathing change and realized that he was crying. "Because we'd do anything for you. We'll get you through this…" She ran her hands through his hair.

"I'm sorry I was so pissy earlier," He whispered.

"It's understandable, honey…" She murmured, still holding him close. "I know you're scared, we're all scared, but you can trust me. Trust us."

"I do…I'm trying…"

"I know." She released him and wiped the tears from his cheeks, mussing his hair. "You're such a strong kid. I know you can beat this."

He gave her a weak nod. "Okay. Let's do this…"

"The doctors will be coming soon, Ryan. Do you want to see Sandy or Seth before they take you?"

"Yeah. Give me a minute." He wiped his face again and she watched him recover his composure. "Can you tell I was crying?"

"Nope, your mask is officially in place," She smiled, squeezing his hand.

"Thanks, Kirsten," He whispered.

"No problem." She was still stricken by his diagnosis but she was uplifted by the small step she had made with Ryan. She wanted desperately to get to know him but for the past few months, they'd seemed to be circling each other. She knew that he loved her, but now she felt like he trusted her, too. He'd returned her hug. "I'll get the boys."

Seth had Summer's arm around him and Sandy was pacing in front of the door when she stepped out, holding the door open. "He's ready."

Seth left Summer outside as he pushed past his mother and went to Ryan's side. He began speaking softly and urgently to Ryan and Kirsten and Sandy couldn't make out his words. Ryan's cheeks blushed red and he broke into an embarrassed smile.

"He looks better, what did you say to him?" Sandy whispered.

"Probably the same thing you said. That we would take care of him."

"We will."

* * *


	3. Three

Once the doctors took Ryan to surgery, Sandy and Kirsten led Seth and Summer into the surgical waiting room. It was buzzing with people and cell phones were allowed to be used so the ring tones and chatter became overwhelming within minutes.

"Should we call anyone? Like, his mom or something?" Seth asked, turning to his father.

"I wouldn't even know where to start looking for her. Last time I checked, she was in Reno. That's something that's up to Ryan," Sandy replied honestly.

"What about Marissa?" Summer whispered.

"No," Seth shook his head. "This doesn't need to turn into a sobbing-fest. She didn't want anything to do with him while he was healthy, she shouldn't be hovering over him while he's sick."

Kirsten was surprised by her son's snappish words. She pulled him into a hug. "Relax, kid. He's going to be fine. This is just simple surgery…"

"But…"

"One step at a time, okay?" Sandy urged.

Sandy tapped his wife. "I'm going to call the office and let them know I won't be in tomorrow. Maybe you should call Caleb."

"Shit, I was supposed to be at a meeting twenty minutes ago…" She pulled out her phone but realized that it was already vibrating with a call. She put it to her ear and stepped into an empty corner.

"Kiki, where the hell are you, this meeting…"

"Dad, I'm at the hospital…"

"What? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, it's not me…" She started.

"Is Seth all right?"

"Seth's fine, it's Ryan."

"Oh. You're missing work because…"

"Dad…"

"Okay, honey. I know you love that boy. What's wrong with him? He get into another fight?"

"No, Dad. I have to go…"

"Wait, honey, are you all right?"

She couldn't take her father talking about Ryan like he was nothing right now. This was too serious, they could really lose him and she didn't want to listen to him anymore.

"Kiki, I'm sorry, talk to me, what's wrong with the boy?"

"He has cancer. I have to go." She closed the phone before he could respond.

"Honey?" Sandy pulled her into his arms.

"I don't want to lose him…not like this…"

"We're not going to lose him, Kirsten. We have to stay strong for him. Medicine's come a long way, they'll fix him up…"

"So…after the surgery, he'll be okay?" Summer asked quietly from Seth's side. "I'm a little confused…"

"They…they're investigating the mass in his stomach…if its cancer, they'll remove it…he'll have to take chemotherapy to make sure the cancer doesn't spread…"

"Chemotherapy? You mean, where his hair falls out and he loses all his buffness?" Seth asked, serious.

"The doctors will tell us more after the surgery…"

"But it must be pretty urgent since they're doing it so suddenly," Seth muttered.

"Let's all just relax, okay? There's nothing we can do by worrying…" Sandy said, pacing again.

"How long 'till we can see him?"

"A few hours, Seth. Why don't you…"

"I am not going home," Seth insisted. "I am staying until I see for myself that he's okay."

* * *

A doctor stepped into the waiting room and made a beeline for Kirsten. "Mrs. Cohen?"

"Yes?"

"Your father, Caleb, called me. I'm the chief of oncology, Dr. Tarleton. I'm going to be handling the case of your son…"

"Is everything okay?" Seth asked, sitting up from his position stretched across several chairs.

"He's out of surgery, I assisted the surgeons in removing the tumor…"

"So, it's definitely cancer…" Sandy whispered.

"Follow me. This is a little too public for me. My office is down the hall, close to where Ryan will be moved after recovery. We can talk there." The doctor led Sandy, Kirsten and Seth out of the waiting room. Summer had to leave to meet her father.

"You said my father called you?" Kirsten asked.

"He said that his grandson was admitted and wanted me to take a look at his files," Dr. Tarleton said, leading them into his spacious office. "Caleb and I go back years, I'll personally be handling Ryan's case."

"Wow. Go, Grandpa," Seth whispered.

"Have a seat," He said. He immediately put Ryan's x-rays on a lit screen. "We were able to completely remove the tumor without doing damage to his stomach or intestines. Unfortunately, the mass seems to have been malignant…"

"But he's going to be okay now?" Seth asked.

"I've never seen this kind of cancer in a boy his age. I believe that with chemotherapy and treatment, he'll be fine. He's strong and healthy otherwise but he's got a long road ahead of him…"

"If we had caught it sooner…" Kirsten started.

"It wouldn't have made a difference, Mrs. Cohen. Despite the tumor's size, it was caught in time. We have to focus now on making sure that it doesn't come back…"

"Dr, the chemotherapy…it was very hard on my mother, she…she never recovered…"

"Kirsten, Ryan is a very strong young man. The radiation will drain his strength and probably make him sick, but it's for the greater good…"

"Will he go bald?" Seth whispered, ignoring his father's glance.

"Probably not, kid. We've had favorable results from this medication, but there's still a chance he could lose his hair," The doctor answered patiently.

Seth tuned out the doctor's speech as it became full of terminology.

He shouldn't be here. He should be with Ryan. He should be with his brother, he knew that Ryan was scared and that he would hate waking up alone in the room. He needed to see Ryan now. He left the room before his parents could stop him and bumped into an orderly that was pushing a bed down the hall.

"Sorry…" He apologized. He glanced at the patient in the bed and recognized Ryan's sleeping form.

"It's okay, I was just getting this patient to his room. Are you a friend?" The man smiled.

"I'm his brother, can I come with you?" Seth didn't take his eyes off Ryan's face. There was an oxygen mask over his face.

"Sure, I don't see why not. He's just on the oxygen because he was under sedation. I'm going to take it off once I get him settled," The man explained as Seth opened the door to the room. A nurse followed them.

"I'm Lenora, I'll be Ryan's nurse tonight. This is Teddy, he's the C.N.A. for tonight. What's your name?"

"Seth. Ryan's my foster brother."

"Where are your parents?" Lenora asked as she tried to distract Seth from her attention to Ryan's tubes and monitors.

"Your brother did very well. And Dr. Tarleton's one of the best oncologists in the country," Teddy said. As soon as he moved aside, Seth pulled a chair up close to the bed.

"He should wake up in a little while. Don't rush him. He's going to need his strength," Lenora said. "When he wakes up, push the button and we'll come right away to check on him. Okay?"

"Thanks," Seth managed. He heard the door close but all he could focus on was Ryan's calm face.

He glanced around the room and realized that this was no ordinary hospital room. His grandpa must have arranged this, too. There were two windows with ocean views, curtains and cushioned chairs and a sofa. The flat screen TV was muted with videos playing.

"Dude, you're so fucking quiet…" Seth muttered, taking Ryan's limp hand. He knew that Ryan would hate it and give him some kind of glare so Seth didn't let go, content to wait for his brother to open his eyes.

* * *

Kirsten, Seth and Sandy stayed overnight with Ryan, unwilling to leave him. He was grateful for their support. Despite the upscale hospital room, he was still in a hospital room and he hated it.

He forced himself to keep his emotions in check and even though Kirsten and Sandy were doubtful about his placid mood, he knew that staying normal would keep the Cohens from worrying any more than they already were. Seth hadn't seemed to stop babbling since Ryan woke up from surgery. Ryan knew it was a nervous habit but he was comforted by the boy's chatter.

The doctors had called Sandy and Kirsten into a meeting and Seth was flipping the channels of Ryan's TV while he tried to doze. They were releasing him tomorrow and Ryan was hoping that the worst of the smothering was over.

He knew chemo was coming soon, the doctors had mentioned it every time that they spoke with him but he didn't want to think about it.

They wanted to dose him before he went home but for some reason they were waiting.

He didn't want to think about chemotherapy or why they were waiting.

"Dude. I know you're all about the shutting off of emotions to keep yourself in check, but this is getting a little out of hand," Seth said, not taking his attention from the TV as he flipped channels.

"What?"

"You know what. Mom and Dad are one step away from calling a shrink in because they think you're in denial."

"Denial?"

"Yeah. That's why they haven't started pumping you full of radioactive goodness yet," Seth said, nonchalantly. He turned to face his friend. "So. I figured I'd tell you since Mom and Dad are too scared."

"They're scared?"

"Dude…you are acting a little…more distant than we're used to. I mean, this has to be, like, the scariest thing ever but…but us Cohens are more used to blind panic than silent acceptance."

Ryan nodded after a moment. "So…what am I supposed to do? Cry? Punch out nurses? What's the appropriate response?"

Seth gave him a weak smile. "Talking. Like, verbally communicating with the parents is a start."

"Okay, man."

"Or you can talk to me…I can handle it," Seth said quietly.

"Seth…"

"No, I mean, this is fucking scary and I know you probably want to stuff it down really far inside like you do with everything but if you can't…you can't do that. You need us to help you. And we need you to help us."

Ryan pushed himself up in bed. "Okay, man, I said I get it. Communicate verbally. Share the weight. Yeah, I get it."

"Okay. That's all I ask." Seth gave him a smile and returned his attention to the TV.

"Seth?"

"Yeah?"

"I want to go home. If starting the chemo will let me go home, then I'm ready. Can you find your parents and tell them that…"

"No. They'll be back and you can save your words for them, man." Seth gave him a regretful smile. "I'm under orders to stop speaking for you."

"Oh."

"I'm not trying to be harsh, but the 'rents had a deep conversation with me while you were sleeping. They say I have to stop being your advocate."

"My advocate," Ryan repeated.

"Yeah. You have to talk for yourself."

"I get it, Seth. I answer when you ask me to, I'm cooperating with the doctors, I'm doing what I'm told…I'm fucking trying to act however I'm supposed to act when I know I'm probably dying," Ryan said levelly without breaking eye contact. "But obviously, I'm still not trying hard enough to behave the way I'm supposed to." He paused. "Do you have any idea how fucking scared I am right now?"

Seth was speechless. He glanced at the door and saw his mother and father standing in the doorway.

Ryan didn't notice them. "I don't know how I'm supposed to act and I'm doing the best I can." He sighed. "Just go home, Seth."

"Ryan…" Seth was stunned.

"You said that you can't speak for me anymore. Leave me alone for a while. I'll see you when I get home." Ryan turned away from him, still oblivious to Sandy and Kirsten. He pulled up the sheet and closed his eyes.

"I don't want to go home," Seth started.

"Seth, can I see you a second?" Kirsten said.

Ryan sat up immediately as Seth left and Sandy walked over to his bedside.

"Chemo," Ryan said abruptly. "I want the chemo. I thought it was already planned and that's why I didn't mention it."

"We wanted to make sure you were okay with it…" Sandy started.

"I'm not okay with any of this. It's in your hands."

"Ryan…"

"I cannot handle this. I need someone else to tell me what to do. I'll take whatever chemo you want, I'll take whatever medicine, if you can just get me out of here as fast and smoothly as possible. I swear, you won't even know I'm sick," Ryan said. "I need you to handle this."

Sandy wasn't sure how to respond. He was getting mixed messages from Ryan and couldn't read anything in his normally expressive eyes.

"Was that the wrong thing to say?" Ryan hesitated and Sandy saw a flash of confusion on the boy's face. Sandy realized that Ryan was saying whatever he thought he was supposed to say.

"I don't control your life," Sandy said quietly.

"Funny choice of words," Ryan responded after a pause.

"How would you handle it? Hypothetically, if I weren't here?" Sandy asked suddenly.

"What…"

"If I weren't here to handle it? What would you be doing?"

Ryan was silent.

"Tell me."

"If I had found out I had cancer and you weren't here to handle it…hypothetically…"

"Yeah."

"I'd have walked out of the ER yesterday and put a bullet in my head," Ryan said evenly.

Sandy didn't let himself react visibly. "You'd take your own life."

"Die quickly. Not long and painfully. I wouldn't make you watch me die, I wouldn't make you suffer…"

"I'm not here," Sandy said. "Hypothetically."

"Then no one would suffer," Ryan whispered.

Sandy knew he needed to say something but he couldn't. He couldn't find the right words to respond.

Ryan stretched out in the hospital bed. He looked up at Sandy. "I want to go home. Let's get this chemo thing started so I can go home."

"Ryan. I think we have some things to talk about before…"

"After. If I do it now, they can watch me in case I have a reaction to the chemo. That stuff makes you so sick, at least the nurses are paid to mop up puke. The first time should probably be here where they can make sure I'm okay and so Kirsten won't have to watch me as close. Dr. Tarleton said he'd stay with me and talk me through it." He paused. "Even though I don't talk all the time, I do listen. If I had a question, I'd ask it."

Kirsten returned. "Everything okay?"

"I'd like to talk to Dr. Tarleton," Ryan said, not sitting up.

"I…" Kirsten was startled as Sandy turned and left, his face drawn with emotion that she couldn't interpret.

Ryan didn't open his eyes. "You should go after him."

* * *


	4. Four

Kirsten didn't know what had happened while she was with Seth, but she knew something had shifted between Sandy and Ryan. She didn't go after Sandy immediately, instead, she got Dr. Tarleton and left him with Ryan to discuss the chemotherapy before going to find her husband.

She found him outside in the smoking area sitting on a bench. He had an unlit cigarette in his mouth. Summer was standing beside him, talking quietly.

"Chino's coping just like everyone else, Mr. Cohen. He's just coping differently. Whereas Cohen usually babbles under stress, Ryan doesn't say anything. I mean, you said he was so quiet, but isn't he always quiet? Doesn't Cohen always speak for him? I mean, he found out he had cancer and has surgery and now chemo in a matter of days, you're lucky he's capable of speaking at all," Summer was saying. She put her hand on Sandy's shoulder. "He's a strong kid, he's always been able to depend on his strength, his body, you know? And now his body's betraying him…you can't let him upset you. He needs you right now…"

Kirsten walked into Summer's line of sight and the girl gave her an embarrassed smile.

"Can I go see Chino?"

"Seth's not here, Summer, Ryan asked him to leave…"

"I know. Cohen called me. I'm here for Ryan…"

"Thank you, Summer. For the pep talk," Sandy said, standing up. Kirsten plucked the cigarette out of his mouth and dropped it, still unlit, in the ashtray.

"The doctor's with him, but you can see him afterwards," Kirsten said. Summer nodded and disappeared.

"She's a smart girl," Kirsten said.

"I don't think I can face him again right now. Not even with Summer's pep talk," Sandy said, his voice shaking.

"Sandy, what happened?"

"I…"

"Dr. Tarleton's setting up the chemo as we speak, we can take him home tomorrow, Sandy…" Kirsten started. "Talk to me…"

"I…I can't. I'm going home. I'm sorry, tell him, I'm sorry…"

"I need you right now, Ryan needs you, please, don't leave us here…" Kirsten took his arm.

"I need some time to think. He upset me, I can't let him see that he upset me…" Sandy muttered.

"Sandy…"

"I'll be back later. I'm sorry…" He kissed her on the cheek and disappeared.

Kirsten sighed and turned to go back to Ryan's room. Dr. Tarleton was standing outside the door with the nurses.

"Kirsten. Ryan's doing very well. I'm not sure what you said to him, but he's…"

"What are you talking about?"

"He's very aware of what's happening to him. He understands much more than I imagined. He doesn't want to wait on the chemotherapy because he'd rather be in the hospital so we can monitor his reaction. How sick he's going to get, you know?" Dr. Tarleton paused.

Kirsten nodded.

"What's wrong?"

"Well, he upset my husband, so I'm a little surprised that you're so pleased with his mood."

"It's not his mood I'm concerned about. He's not going to be happy or upbeat, Kirsten, he has cancer. I admit, he's more subdued than most of my patients, but he's not sobbing uncontrollably, he's not trying to slash his wrists. He's accepting that he's sick and that's the first step. I'm going to set up his chemo and I'll be back in about twenty minutes to get him started." Dr. Tarleton paused. "He's asked that he be alone."

"I'm not leaving him alone…"

"I'm going to be with him throughout his treatment. It should only take an hour or so. You look like you could use some air…"

"I'm not…"

"Kirsten. Ryan's strong. I'll stay with him. Go see your husband. Ryan needs you both right now. He needs you both not to be upset. You're the adults here and he's taking all his cues from you. It's okay," The doctor nodded.

* * *

Kirsten was sitting in her car in the parking lot. The doctor had finally convinced her to go home, but she couldn't put her keys in the ignition. She couldn't leave Ryan alone in the hospital. When she'd told him he was leaving for a few minutes, Ryan had nodded, as if he'd expected it. Summer had still been sitting with him.

"Kiki?"

She glanced up and recognized her father standing outside of her window. She opened the door.

"What are you doing down here? Did something…"

"No, no, I'm supposed to be going home…"

"Who's with the boy?"

"Dr. Tarleton is helping with his chemo…"

"Why are you leaving?" Caleb asked.

"He…"

"He might think he's an adult, but he's just a boy. Why are you leaving?" Caleb was clearly confused.

"He…"

"Kiki. Come on." Caleb pulled her out of the car and put his arms around her.

"Oh, Daddy…"

"I know this is hard. I know this is killing you…but you can do this. You have to be strong for the boy…"

"His name is Ryan," Kirsten sniffled into his shoulder.

"I know. And I know that he's important to you. That's why I'm here. He's a tough kid. He…he doesn't deserve this and neither do you. But you're strong and he's tough. So. Why are you leaving?"

"Sandy's upset. Ryan sent Seth home. He wants to do this himself…" Kirsten said quietly.

"He can't do this himself…" Caleb started.

"For once, I agree with the old man." Sandy approached with Seth.

"Sandy…"

"I'm sorry. I got upset…" Sandy confessed, embracing his wife.

"Ryan's going to do everything he can to push us away right now and we can't let him," Seth finished.

"You're one day in and you're already letting him get you upset. It's going to be a long road. Let's go see the boy," Caleb smiled, putting an arm around Seth.

* * *

Ryan was sitting in one of the plush chairs beside his hospital bed. Dr. Tarleton had moved his IV stand and was hanging the chemotherapy drugs on the stand. Summer was sitting on his bed. She'd refused to leave despite his arguments.

"Okay, kid. If it burns or gives you any discomfort, let me know, okay?" Dr. Tarleton gave him a smile.

"Okay."

"I'm going to step outside for just a minute and then I'll be back," The doctor said. Ryan nodded.

Summer stood up and walked over to sit beside Ryan.

"You…"

"If you tell me to leave one more time, I will slap the hell out of you," Summer warned.

Ryan sighed.

"Does it hurt?"

"Not really." Ryan was staring at the IV in his hand.

"You sent Seth away. He was only trying to help you…"

"I know. I'm not mad. I didn't send him away because I'm mad…"

"I know. You sent him away because you didn't want him to see how scared you are."

"What are you doing here, Summer?" Ryan asked quietly.

"My grandma died of cancer. She went to chemo twice a week for three months. And she still died. That's why I ran out yesterday. But she was old. She wasn't tough like you. My grandma never sat through chemo alone, she said she'd go crazy if she had to sit there all alone. So even though you don't like me…"

"Who said I didn't like you?"

Summer smiled. "So. You don't hate me…"

"How could I hate you? I just…"

"You want to be alone. Like you'll be less scared if you're alone?"

"I want…I need to come to terms with this myself. Seth…he was really helping me out, he was keeping his parents from freaking out and he was telling them stuff that I couldn't tell them myself and…he ended up getting in trouble for it…"

"He didn't get in trouble…"

"Whatever. I know they're all worried and they're all scared, but so am I and having to face them and see them barely holding it together…I can't do it."

"So…"

"I hate making them worry. Do you know how much treatment like this costs?" Ryan whispered.

"They don't care about the money…"

"If I wasn't a charity case before, I am now…I just…I fucking hate this," Ryan admitted.

Dr. Tarleton stepped back into the room. "How's it going? You feel okay?"

"I'm okay. I was wondering if you'd go over the side effects with me again while we're sitting here," Ryan said, visibly steadying himself.

"Sure. I brought you those pamphlets I was referring to earlier so you'd have something to look over." Dr. Tarleton whispered something to Summer and she nodded, stepping out.

"She your girlfriend?"

"More like sister in law. She's Seth's girlfriend," Ryan said quietly, studying the first pamphlet.

"Ryan, your family is outside."

"What?" Ryan seemed surprised.

"What you're going through is very hard. I can't imagine how hard…I hope you don't mind, but Caleb told me a little about you."

Ryan lowered his gaze immediately.

The doctor smiled. "Caleb's a hard man to get along with. But he cares about his family…"

"I'm not a part of Mr. Nichol's family. He's made that pretty clear," Ryan muttered.

"Oh. Well. He told me that you're adopted…"

"Sandy and Kristen are my legal guardians," Ryan said.

"I have 3 foster kids with me right now. My wife gets lonely while I'm working and our own kids are all out on their own," Dr. Tarleton continued. "So despite how Caleb feels about family, I consider my foster kids to be _my_ kids."

Ryan met his gaze after a beat. "I respect that. I consider the Cohens to be my family, too."

"I've seen that. Why don't you tell me why you don't want them here?"

Ryan hesitated.

"I'm your doctor. But you can still talk to me."

Ryan sighed. "I'm used to taking care of myself. I've never been a part of a family like theirs…but I see them hurting because of me and I want to spare them as much of this as I can."

"I respect that. But it's hurting them more when you push them away."

"I tried to be myself, to be normal, but it didn't help. They got all freaked out. So now I'm…they need time to regroup. So do I."

Dr. Tarleton nodded. "How're you feeling?"

"Still okay, I think," Ryan sighed.

"I'm going to let your family know that you'll be a little while," Dr. Tarleton said, standing up and checking his IV.

"If they're all here, you might as well send them in," Ryan said quietly, returning his attention to the stack of pamphlets.

"Even Caleb?"

"Mr. Nichol would never come here," Ryan replied seriously. He met the doctor's startled gaze. "If he asked you to help me, it was because of Kirsten. I'm grateful to you for your help and I hope that you'll continue to help me despite what you may hear from Mr. Nichol."

Dr. Tarleton opened his mouth to speak but before he could respond, Ryan's eyes rolled back in his head and his body started to relax as his head went limp.

"Ryan?" The doctor reacted immediately, leaning over and grabbing his shoulders.

Ryan blinked and seemed to recover. "What…damn…dizzy…"

"Are you having any trouble breathing?"

"No, just dizziness…and it's getting colder in here…I'm okay…" Ryan straightened up and swallowed thickly.

"I'm going to get you something to drink…and I'm going to send your family in."

"Okay. I think I'm ready to see them…and a drink would probably help, too," Ryan nodded.

* * *

"Kirsten? Rita is going to sit with Ryan and monitor him for a few minutes." Dr. Tarleton held out several bottles of ginger ale and apple juice. "They're cold but he needs to stay hydrated and they'll help with his nausea. We're getting him a thicker blanket."

"He said we can go…"

"He's expecting you. He's okay. I think the chemo's a little scarier than he thought and he's ready for you," The doctor smiled. He turned to Caleb as Kirsten, Seth, Sandy and Summer filed out of the waiting room. "I think we should talk."

* * *

Kirsten stepped in first and found the nurse rubbing Ryan's back as he heaved into a basin between his knees.

"Okay…better now…" Ryan muttered after he was finished. He was breathing rapidly. Kirsten grabbed a box of Kleenex off the table and sat down in the chair beside Ryan as the nurse took the pail.

"Thanks, Kirsten," Ryan said, accepting a tissue and wiping his face.

"Here. It might help. Wash the taste out," Kirsten opened a bottle of juice and offered it to him.

He swallowed gratefully and relaxed slightly. "Better." He held out the pamphlets and she took them. "It's only going to get worse, so…"

"You're not kicking me out again."

"Good," He gave her a shy smile. "Because I think Rita was hitting on me, and she's older than Dr. Tarleton…" He whispered.

"Oh, Ryan…I'm sure…" She smiled.

Rita returned and Ryan winced, annoyed as she mussed his hair. "Deep breaths, stud."

Ryan glared at Kirsten when he heard her laugh. "Is Seth here?"

"He's outside…he'd like to come in. Sandy and Summer, too."

"If they can handle all the vomit, they're welcome…Seth's not so good with bodily fluids," Ryan's hands drifted to his stomach absently.

"Sick again?"

"I forgot about the stitches, I just have to remember…" Ryan admitted. Rita immediately pulled his hands away and checked his small bandage.

"Looks okay, I think you probably just strained your muscles over the past few days, the doctor said you haven't kept much food down…just take it easy."

Ryan nodded and took a shaky breath. He took a swallow of juice and gave Kirsten a small nod. "I'm okay."

"Okay. I'll get the others…"

"Kirsten?"

"Yes, honey?"

"Can I have that, too?" Ryan motioned to the bottle in her hand. She smiled and offered it to him.

"Thanks."

Kirsten stepped outside.

"How is he?"

"Remarkably calm despite the constant puking," Kirsten smiled.

"Oh…" Seth muttered.

"Cohen, he's cleaned your puke up enough when you've drank too much champagne, come on," Summer pulled him past Kirsten into the room.

"He's okay?" Sandy asked.

"Yeah. He's strong. He trusts us. We have to trust him."

"Okay."


	5. Five

* * *

Ryan got more and more nauseous as the first hour passed. Kirsten was in full mothering mode and was rubbing his back as he leaned forward over the pail. He had nothing in his stomach but despite the anti-nausea medication, he continued to dry heave every few minutes. He was hoarse and exhausted.

Dr. Tarleton had returned and was by the window talking to Rita. Summer and Seth were trying to hook up the playstation to the TV. Sandy was beside Ryan, listening to his harsh whispered words.

"Okay, kid…I'll see what I can do," Sandy nodded. He got up and went over to Seth.

"What's up?"

"Can you do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Ryan wants something from the house…"

"Oh. Okay. Like what?"

"He says that there's this address book in his dresser…"

"Yeah, I know where it is…"

"He said you would. He wants to call some people."

"Why? I mean, why now?" Summer asked.

"He says that he had plans this weekend and he wants to cancel them himself," Sandy replied.

"Okay, sure. Summer can drive me. Is that all he needs?"

"See if you can find him some warmer clothes…and get him some candy, some cough drops or something, his throat's sore."

"We'll get supplies," Summer said, leading Seth into the hallway.

Ryan was dry heaving again when Sandy returned to his side.

"Honey, you have to breathe…" Kirsten soothed.

Ryan shuddered and Sandy saw that Kirsten was holding him upright. "Am I almost done? I want to lie down…"

"Almost done. Just a few more minutes, okay?" Kirsten urged.

Dr. Tarleton approached and kneeled in front of Ryan. "How're you doing, kid?"

"Not so good…" Ryan's eyes were dull and glazed.

"Are you in pain…"

"It's just my stomach cramping and my stitches…I'm still dizzy and it's not helping my stomach…."

"Can you hang tight for a few more minutes? 10 minutes tops…"

"I was hanging tight…but I really feel like I'm about to fall out…" Ryan rasped.

"Let's sit you up. Rita?" Dr. Tarleton called. Sandy and Kirsten stepped back as the nurse approached.

The doctor spoke softly to Ryan and the nurse helped lean him back into the chair and tucked the blanket around him.

"Deep breaths. You're almost done…stay awake for us and breathe through the nausea, okay?"

Ryan nodded and took a deep breath. His arm was cradled around his abdomen.

"You're dizzy because you're becoming more dehydrated and you're still weak from the surgery. Ryan, it won't always be this difficult…" The doctor explained.

"The puking…when will I stop puking?" Ryan whispered as the nurse adjusted the machines administering the meds.

"The nausea's an unfortunate…" He started.

"Get used to it?" Ryan blinked sluggishly, pulling his legs into the chair and slumping against the armrest.

"We'll find something to help kid…we've just started the saline and increased the compazine so you should start to feel better…" Rita said. "Relax…" She brushed his hair back from his face and his eyes fluttered closed. His breathing continued to be rapid but his face relaxed visibly.

"Doctor…" Kirsten gasped.

"We're giving him morphine so he can rest," Doctor Tarleton said, turning to them.

"Can I have a word with you?" Kirsten pulled the doctor outside.

Sandy sat down beside Ryan.

Ryan sluggishly turned his head to meet his worried gaze. "I didn't think I'd be this sick…"

"You're doing fine…"

"What I'm trying to say is…I'm glad you're here…" His hoarse voice was slurred and Sandy could barely see the blues of his eyes.

"Hey," Sandy said, gently touching his face. "We're working through this. Please don't give up…"

"I haven't yet…the only things I know how to do are fight or run…and I can't run from this…" His face flashed with nausea and he looked away. He started to lean forward to heave but Rita held him upright.

"Breathe, kid, breathe through it…"

Ryan couldn't fight the spasm and his breaths turned to short gasps.

"Ryan…Ryan…" Sandy made Ryan meet his gaze. "Relax…count to 3 and breathe…"

Ryan blinked but nodded, taking a shallow but steady breath.

"Hold it…now let it out slow…" Sandy urged gently.

Ryan visibly relaxed after several minutes. "Thanks…"

"You want some juice?" Rita asked.

"Too sweet…water, maybe? Cold?" Ryan rasped.

"Can he lie down?" Sandy asked her.

"I'll spin faster if I lie down…" Ryan murmured.

"What?" Sandy asked.

"Dizzy…" Ryan said. His hand was clenching a fistful of his shirt near his stitches.

"Ryan, your stomach…" Sandy nodded.

"My stitches are killing me…" Ryan whispered.

"Will you hold my hand instead?" Sandy asked. He didn't wait for an answer and took Ryan's hand.

Ryan's hand clasped his, involuntarily reacting to the pain.

Rita checked under his shirt again and frowned.

"Don't look at me like that, Rita…I want to go home tomorrow…" Ryan whispered.

"Sorry, kid. I'm going to get the doctor and we'll fix you right up…" Rita said.

Ryan glanced at Sandy. "I…"

"You're doing great, kid. Just hang on…"

"I'm trying…this is just the first treatment…they'll get better, right?"

"Yeah, kid. Yeah, you'll get better…" Sandy nodded.

* * *

Ryan managed to get some sleep once they helped him to the bed. The nausea was tolerable and once he stretched out, he'd fallen into an exhausted sleep. He hadn't even stirred when Dr. Tarleton had stitched up his side.

Seth and Summer returned a few hours later and found Sandy and Kirsten sleeping on the small couch. Ryan was sitting up and flipping through a magazine that was dated years earlier.

"So, did you guys know that they're making a prequel to Star Wars?" Ryan asked, glancing at them. His voice was still scratchy and weak but his eyes were bright and alert.

"I have heard that rumor," Seth grinned. "Nice to see you…upright and non-puking."

"Thanks. I appreciate it. I ripped out my stitches, but nurse Rita says I'm still on schedule for home tomorrow," Ryan replied.

"Well, we brought you the stuff you asked for, as well as some treats. Candy, for your throat, comics for your mind and per Summer, magazines for your fashion sense," Seth said, setting the bags on the edge of his bed.

"Fashion?"

"You seriously need some help, Chino," Summer said. "It'll be distracting."

"I think I'm getting sicker just thinking about it," Ryan muttered, rolling his eyes.

"You're really…you're better?"

Ryan nodded toward the sleeping Cohens. "Seeing them rest makes me better. If everyone else relaxes, then I'll relax," He said quietly.

"So. We got your address book. Mind telling us who you're calling?" Seth asked, relaxing slightly.

"Well, Luke and some of the guys from the team had set me up on this blind date for Friday…what day is it?"

"Friday," Summer answered.

"So, I was going to call Luke and explain. And I had a study date with Anna for tomorrow. She'd want to know, too," Ryan said slowly. "I was also supposed to meet an old friend for lunch on Sunday. Teresa, from Chino…"

"Why don't you let us call them?" Summer offered.

"Everyone keeps saying that I'm not dead. I figure I should start acting like it. I can make my own calls," Ryan replied evenly.

"True. So…"

"Let them sleep," Ryan nodded toward Kirsten and Sandy. "What else did you bring me?" He unwrapped a cough drop and popped it in his mouth.

"Well, we weren't sure what you could eat, so we didn't bring much food…"

"My stomach isn't completely back to normal, so that was probably a good idea. Thanks for coming, guys. I appreciate it." His voice was slightly better

"Well, you're family, or so we keep telling you. Might as well start treating you like it," Seth replied.

"Ryan, are you going to tell Marissa?" Summer asks.

Ryan sighed. "I was going to ask you about that…she's not into me anymore, she barely acknowledges me at school…does she really need to know? Like, can't she just find out about it through the grapevine?"

Summer hesitates.

"Its okay, Summer. I don't want to put you in the middle but I don't feel like I owe her an explanation. We're barely friends now, you know?"

"But if I tell her…"

"Go ahead. You guys talk, you're friends, so…if she hears about it, that's fine. I'm sure once I call Luke, the whole school will know. Those soccer jocks love to gossip," Ryan snorted.

"So…you're sure you don't want to call her?" Summer hesitated.

"I'm sure. It'd be too uncomfortable. But since you guys are here, mind hanging around while I call Luke and Anna? My voice is still a little scratchy and if it gives out…" Ryan said, fumbling with his blanket.

"Yeah. Of course. We're totally here for support. Here's my phone , here's your book and we'll be right here, in case you need us." Seth settled into the seat beside his bed and Summer sat down on his lap with one of the fashion magazines.

"Thanks." Ryan flipped open the phone. He dialed Anna's number first.

He'd been studying with Anna for a few weeks and he considered her one of the few real friends he'd made here. He respected her and had found that he could talk to her about anything and she'd keep his confidence, not telling anyone. He knew how much she'd been hurt after Seth and Summer started dating seriously, but he thought that their mutual friendship had helped them both make it through Newport Beach's social gauntlet.

"Hello?" Anna answered.

"Hey, Anna. It's Ryan."

"Hey. Where've you been? I missed you in Chemistry…"

"Yeah, sorry, I'm a little under the weather…"

"You sound like hell…"

"Yeah, I feel about the same. I won't make our study session tomorrow…"

"You're too sick to study?"

"Well…" Ryan lost his initiative. "There's not an easy way to say this…"

"Yeah, communication hurts you, I know that. Try."

"I have cancer, Anna."

The line was silent. Summer cleared her throat and gave Ryan a scolding glare.

"Okay, so that wasn't the way I wanted to tell you…" Ryan apologized.

"Cancer?" Anna whispered.

"But they're taking care of it. They took out the…thing and they're giving me chemotherapy to make sure…"

"I just saw you on Tuesday…"

"Yeah, well, it all happened really fast. I'll be home tomorrow…"

"Home…you're calling me from the hospital?" She gasped.

"Relax. I'm okay. The Cohens are taking good care of me…"

"You have cancer. You're in the hospital. How is that okay? How are you okay with this?"

"I'm not okay with it. I've just had a few days to deal with it. I just wanted to tell you myself…"

"Can I come see you?"

"I'll be home tomorrow…"

"I want to see you now."

"Um…I'll have to ask the Cohens…"

"Just tell me what hospital, what room…" Ryan glanced over at Seth with a helpless look on his face.

"She wants to come visit?" Seth read off his face. Ryan nodded. "Then tell her what room, man. Go ahead."

"Okay. I'm on the oncology floor, room 421…"

"Are you up for company?"

"Are you company?" Ryan teased, his voice getting hoarser.

"I'll see you in a few minutes…" She hung up.

"I didn't expect her to come," Ryan said to Seth and Summer.

"You can't tell people you have cancer and expect them not to worry," Summer remarked.

"Yeah? You think?" Ryan gave her a cold look and it was only when Seth laughed that she realized that Ryan was joking.

"Sorry," Summer blushed.

"Just kidding with you. Hopefully, Luke will take the news better."

* * *

Luke was chugging a beer with some of his soccer buddies in his backyard when his phone rang. He didn't recognize the number, but he answered anyway. "Hello?"

"Luke. Hey, it's Ryan."

"Chino, man, what's up…" Luke laughed. Several of his buddies yelled a hello from nearby.

"Hey. So…"

"You've been out of school, man, what's up?"

"I won't be able to come out with you guys, tonight…"

"You can't bail now, man, all the plans are already made!" Luke protested.

"Well, something's come up."

"Like what?"

"Well, I'm sick. Like, really sick."

"You sound rough, man, what's up, you got that weird flu?" Luke asked.

"Not so much. When I passed out the other day, I ended up in the hospital. Turns out…I have cancer…"

Luke dropped his beer. "What?"

"Yeah, that's the general reaction…so…"

"Wait a minute. Is Cohen putting you up to this?"

"It's not a joke, man, I wish it was. I had surgery, there was this…tumor in my stomach and they took it out…and I've started chemo already…so it's all under control, but…"

"Are you okay, man?"

"I'm getting there…it's been a rough couple of days but I'll be home tomorrow and after that…it's one day at a time. So, I won't be able to back you up on the field for a while…"

"Damn, man…is there anything I can do?"

"Just…don't freak out, okay? Hopefully, we can still be buddies…"

"Sure, man…"

"Can you tell the guys that I'm sorry?"

"Yeah, I'll tell them…"

"I'm going to call the coach later…"

"I can do that…"

"I'm not dead, man. I can do it…"

"You're entirely too calm for a kid with cancer…" Luke said. A hush fell over the backyard.

"Well, I've had a little while to come to terms with it…"

"Is that Chino?" Chip called, coming to Luke's side. Luke gave him a nod.

"Luke?"

"Yeah."

"Give me a call, okay?"

"Where are you?"

"I'm in the hospital but…"

"You're at the hospital now?"

"Yeah. I'll be home tomorrow…"

"Do you want me to come see you?"

"Don't panic, man. I'll see you later, okay?"

"I'll call you tomorrow…" Luke closed his phone.

"Chino has cancer?" Chip asked. Chip's younger brother had fought a long battle with leukemia before getting a bone marrow transplant. Luke and a lot of the other boys had stood by Chip during the time when he was sick. Chip's brother was okay now, but the fear was still strong.

"Yeah. He had surgery and chemo…"

"It must be bad if they did all that in the past couple of days…"

"You going to see him?" Someone called.

"I said that I'd call him tomorrow," Luke was still stunned.

"Poor guy…I knew he'd been getting tired a lot faster, but he never said anything…" Chip said.

"I didn't know…he passed out at my house the other week but he convinced me that he was fine…fuck…" Luke lost his words.

"You should call that little hot chick," Chip said.

"Who?"

"The blonde one that Chino's brother ditched for Summer," Chip explained.

"Anna?"

"Yeah. I'd call her, but she won't give me her number," Chip muttered.

"She's too smart for you, Saunders," Someone called.

"I'm calling coach," Chip said.

Luke glanced around and saw most of his friends already talking on cell phones. Word was out.

* * *


	6. Six

Kirsten's phone rang first and jolted her awake. Ryan's bed was empty but she heard his hoarse whisper. He was sitting between Seth and Summer and they were playing video games on the opposite side of the room.

Sandy's phone rang and he woke up. They both put their phone to their ears and then stood up and walked out.

"What's that about?" Seth asked. Ryan shrugged. He paused the game.

Seth and Summer's phones rang simultaneously.

"Weird," Ryan said. "I'm going to lay down."

Ryan rolled the IV back to the bed and sat down.

"You look worse than you sound," Anna said as she walked in.

"Hey, don't say that. I just had a long day," Ryan smiled.

"Can I give you a hug?" She asked, approaching.

"Don't tell me you're going soft," Ryan joked, embracing her.

"How can you make jokes?"

"I don't know what else to do," Ryan admitted, glancing at Seth to make sure he wasn't listening. "I'm just trying to stay afloat. Don't burst my bubble. You didn't have to come."

"Yes, I did. You're one of my best friends. I want to help you however I can. You'd do the same for me."

"Thanks," Ryan nodded. He yawned despite himself. "I'm going to lie down."

"Sure, here…" Anna helped him get under the covers and was careful not to disturb his IV.

"So…I'm still going to need your help with chemistry…"

"We're, like, a month ahead already, Ryan," Anna laughed. They were the chemistry professor's prize students.

"I don't know when I'll be able to go back to school…Kirsten said…" Ryan started.

"But…" Anna interrupted.

Ryan had fallen asleep.

"Anna? He's pretty tired," Seth and Summer joined her.

"He looks so weak…" Anna murmured. "Can I sit with him?"

"Did you tell anyone, Anna?" Seth asked.

"Just my parents…"

Sandy and Kirsten returned.

"Seth, who did you call? I've got all of Newport at our house," Kirsten said.

"Ryan called Luke…he said the soccer guys were gossips, but…one of my teachers just called me," Seth admitted. "It's like everyone knows."

"Rosa's throwing a fit, she's upset we didn't call her and the house is brimming with people…" Kirsten said.

"I'm going to go home and deal with the crowd," Sandy kissed her on the cheek and left.

"I'll be right back," Seth said as his phone rang.

"Anna. It's nice to see you," Kirsten noticed her presence for the first time.

"Is there anything I can do?" Anna asked.

"Can you girls hold down the fort? I'll be right back," Kirsten said, giving Ryan's sleeping form a once over before stepping out.

"It is nice of you to come," Summer said.

"Ryan's my friend," Anna replied. "He's, like, such a tough guy…but he's really special."

"Are you crushing on Chino?" Summer teased.

"Everyone's secretly crushing on Ryan…even Seth," Anna laughed. She turned serious.

"What?" Summer asked.

"He looks cold. Do you think he's cold?"

Summer put her hand against Ryan's cheek and he mumbled.

"What?" She asked.

"Freezing…" he murmured.

Anna spread a blanket across him.

Ryan sighed and settled back to sleep.

"This is wearing him down…he was really sick earlier," Summer confessed.

"When was his surgery? I mean, was it safe for him to start chemotherapy so soon?" Anna whispered.

"Apparently, it was only considered minor surgery and the doctors thought he was strong enough," Summer replied.

Anna brushed his hair out of his face and he murmured in his sleep. "Ryan?"

"Sleepy…"

"Ryan, what are you thinking about?" She whispered.

His fingers traced the blanket. "Cotton candy…sticky…"

Summer laughed. "Aww, he's so sweet…"

"Clean off the monkeybars…" He mumbled.

"I'd pay a dollar to see that dream," Anna giggled. She smoothed his hair and he settled back to sleep. She looked at Summer. "How's Seth doing?"

"He's remarkably stable. He's hanging in there…he's really worried about Chino, but he won't let him see it," Summer admitted.

"Take care of him," Anna said.

"I plan to."

* * *

Ryan's nausea returned full force later that night. Seth and Summer had gone home and Sandy was staying the night with Ryan while Kirsten dealt with all the well-wishers and got some rest at home.

Ryan couldn't keep anything down, not even water, his stomach refused to keep anything inside. He'd lost his voice completely but still seemed to be in good spirits despite his nausea.

Sandy had allowed him to get out of bed and they were taking a short walk down the hall and back while waiting for Rita to bring Ryan some broth. The crackers and toast weren't working but Ryan had agreed to keep trying. He knew the doctor wouldn't release him the next day if he couldn't keep anything down.

"You know, you don't have to push yourself. One more day in this hospital won't hurt you," Sandy said quietly as they rounded the corner.

"I know…you think I should stay longer?" Ryan asked.

"I think we should do what's best for your health. You okay?" Sandy asked, holding tightly to Ryan's arm as they walked.

"I told you that I'd tell you if I'm not all right…"

"Like you told us that you were sick before…" Sandy muttered.

"I think we're a little past that," Ryan sighed, pulling his arm away from Sandy's grasp. "You know what? I think I am tired. I want to go to bed." He turned and walked away from Sandy before he could stop him.

"Ryan…"

Ryan made it to his room and walked in, sitting down on the bed. Rita was waiting with his dinner when Sandy walked in behind him.

"You ready to try this again?" Rita asked. "I know it's late, but you need to try and eat something."

"I know. What's on the menu?" Ryan asked.

"This is broth, just water and flavor, okay? If you can keep a little of it down, we'll try some more crackers, okay?"

Ryan nodded. He settled into bed with the tray across his lap.

"Ryan…" Sandy started.

Ryan gave him a quick glance as he took a tentative spoonful of broth.

"I'm sorry about…"

"Don't apologize to me," Ryan interrupted. He paused and took another sip of soup. "Drop it."

"But…"

"You're exhausted, Sandy. Relax. I'd tell you to go home and get some sleep, but you'd tell me I was being hard-headed. So, let's just not talk about it, okay? We disagree."

Rita glanced between Sandy and Ryan. Ryan continued to eat. Sandy got up and walked over to the couch, stretching out with an exhausted sigh.

"Argument?"

"Nope. So far so good," Ryan glanced at the broth.

"How's your stomach?"

"Not boiling yet," Ryan replied. They both turned and glanced at Sandy as he started to snore. "See? He needs to rest."

"You've had a long day, kid. It's no surprise that you're grouchy. He'll understand."

"I'm not grouchy, I'm just tired," Ryan said quietly. "I'm tired of throwing up, I'm tired of Sandy and Kirsten treating me like a child and I'm tired of being drugged up to the point that I'm reduced to snapping at my friends and family. I'm just tired."

"Okay, kid. Why don't you take a break and let the food settle…"

"Rita, this is nowhere near being defined as food," Ryan smiled. She took the half empty bowl off the tray.

"You did very well. Now, lie down and get some rest. I'm going to stay here for a while and make sure you keep that 'not food' down, okay?"

"Thanks, Rita. Can you cover him up? It's chilly in here…" Ryan turned on his side and put his hands over his stomach. He had to keep the broth down or he'd have to stay.

"Sure." Rita covered Sandy with a blanket and then returned to Ryan's side.

"I'll call you if I need you, Rita. Thanks." Ryan lifted his hand and showed her the nurse's call button.

"Okay, kid. I'll be right down the hall."

Ryan closed his eyes once she left. He could keep the broth down, he just had to concentrate. This would get easier.

* * *

Kirsten and Seth arrived early the next morning at the hospital. Sandy was still asleep on the couch and Ryan's bed was empty. Kirsten woke her husband and demanded to know where Ryan was.

"What?"

"Where's Ryan?" Kirsten motioned to the empty bed. "Where is he?"

Rita walked in, pushing Ryan in a wheelchair. "He's right here. We just wanted to run a few more tests before we sent him on his way…"

"Why didn't you wake me?" Sandy asked.

"I told her not to. The doctor's going to tell you everything before me, anyway," Ryan said, giving him a smile. "And you were sleeping so good…"

"Ryan, you don't have to do this all by yourself…" Sandy started, upset.

"Mr. Cohen, it wasn't complicated, it was a simple MRI and you couldn't have gone with him anyway," Rita said before he finished.

"Isn't the doctor ready for them?" Ryan sighed, clearly not wanting an argument.

"I'll walk you to his office," Rita said immediately.

"Ryan, we need to talk…" Sandy started.

Ryan didn't respond, he kept his gaze lowered and submissive. He had been in an upbeat mood before Rita had brought him back. She'd taken him to the cafeteria and he'd eaten a bowl of soup and a cup of fruit. Combining that with his looming release, he'd wanted a good day. But he'd obviously done something wrong already.

"Dad, come on, give the kid some space," Seth said, sensing the change in Ryan immediately.

"Come on, Sandy, let's go talk to the doctor," Kirsten pulled Sandy from the room.

"So, what's up?"

"I don't feel like talking," Ryan sighed.

"A minute ago you were fine…"

"That was before I got blasted by your dad. What did I do wrong this time, Seth?" Ryan asked, stretching out in the bed. "I thought…I didn't think I was doing anything wrong…"

"You didn't, he's just grumpy when he wakes up, man, he's not mad…"

"Well, I'm going to try and catch a few minutes of sleep."

"You didn't sleep last night?"

"Your dad snores," Ryan admitted. "Even with the drugs, I couldn't doze off. Do you mind?"

"No, man, sleep. I'll be right here," Seth said, surprised. Ryan rolled on his side and closed his eyes, falling asleep immediately.

Seth was glad for the peace. His house was like a mental hospital, with Newpsies running rampant, bringing covered dishes and offering their help. People that had always been openly suspicious and nasty toward Ryan were offering their condolences. Like Ryan was dead.

But Ryan wasn't dead. He was just tired. Seth was determined to keep Ryan full of hope and focused on his recovery. He'd keep his father away from him if he upset Ryan. Ryan could rest because Seth was back on the job. He would be Ryan's advocate whether his parents approved or not.

* * *

Kirsten stopped Sandy outside Ryan's door. "What happened last night?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"I promise. Nothing happened. I slept, he slept…" Sandy said.

"Then why'd you tell him you needed to talk? Rita said he ate a good breakfast and Dr. Tarleton says he's doing better than expected…"

"I was worried, Kirsten, but not I'm not. Let's check on the boys," Sandy said, giving her a hug.

When they stepped inside, Ryan was sleeping under Seth's careful watch.

"Rita's coming to go over some things with Ryan and then we can take him home," Kirsten told Seth.

"Okay. He should sleep, though," Seth said. "Until absolutely necessary."

"Seth…" Sandy started.

"He's tired. Dad's snoring kept him awake all night. Why don't you meet us at home, Dad?" Seth asked pointedly.

Sandy opened his mouth to protest but stopped. "Okay. I'll see you at home." He left abruptly.

"What was that all about?" Kirsten asked.

"Even if Dad doesn't mean to, he's stressing Ryan out."

"Hmm?" Ryan blinked his eyes sluggishly. Rita stepped in.

"Well, Ryan, you're getting your wish. You're going home."

"Yeah? That's great…"

"But I'm sorry to say that we'll be still be seeing each other…" Rita started.

"Twice a week for the next four weeks, I know. But I'm just glad to be going home today," Ryan grinned.

"Seth, can you bring the car around? I'm going to go over some things with your mother and Ryan," Rita asked.

"You okay here?" Seth asked Ryan.

Ryan gave him a strange look. "Yeah, man. Go ahead."


	7. Seven

* * *

When Kirsten parked the Range Rover in the crowded driveway, she hesitated to wake Ryan. There were a lot of people in the house and he needed to rest and regain his strength.

"You want me to smuggle him to the poolhouse?"

"There're probably people on the patio, too," Kirsten replied.

"I can put him in my room," Seth suggested.

"I'm not a puppy," Ryan muttered with a yawn. "What's the problem?"

"The 'throngs' of Newport await you," Seth replied.

"Seth, don't say 'throng'," Kirsten scolded.

"Just call Sandy. Tell him to clear me a room," Ryan said.

"That might work. You're not supposed to be around a lot of people because of germs," Kirsten acknowledged. She pulled out her phone.

"I'm not wearing that safety mask," Ryan said.

"What?" Seth asked.

"Rita gave me this Michael Jackson surgical mask for me to wear if I went around a sick person or a doctor's office," Ryan explained.

"Neat, can I get one?" Seth laughed.

Kirsten closed her phone. "Sandy says that Rosa has already set up the guest room for you."

"Was this a trick?"

"No, she's right. Rosa was so mad last night, man, she's really worried about you," Seth acknowledged.

"Okay. I fear Rosa. Guest room it is," Ryan agreed.

"Sandy says that your visitors currently are your soccer coach, your chemistry professor, Hailey, Luke, Chip Saunders, and a kid with a Mohawk that's giving my father a hell of a time," Kirsten explained.

"Must be Larry," Ryan nodded.

"Larry, 'crazy Larry, 'that hacked into the sprinklers at the pep rally' Larry?" Seth asked.

"Yeah. I don't know anyone else with a Mohawk. Anna must've told him."

"We'll get you settled and changed, okay? Then, if you feel up to seeing them…" Kirsten started.

"Why don't I make an appearance now and then get cleaned up? Then, the meet and greet's over and I'm off the hook in case I'm too tired to go back out again," Ryan sighed. "Deal?"

"Deal," Kirsten said. Ryan was home, she had to dial down the mothering or else he'd pull away again.

Ryan stepped out and glared at Seth when he tried to assist him.

"Sorry," Seth apologized, raising his hands in defeat.

"It's okay. I'll let you know if I need a crutch, though, okay? I promise," Ryan said.

"Sure. Okay. Let's go inside," Seth believed him and nodded.

Kirsten went inside first and Ryan followed closely behind. Luke and Chip came over immediately and pulled Ryan into the den as she went into the kitchen.

"Hey, how's he doing?" Sandy asked her, kissing her on the cheek as she came to his side.

"He's okay. He's pretty tired," Kirsten admitted.

"Sandy's been telling us about his treatments," Coach Jenkins and Mr. Anderson, the chemistry teacher was sitting at the counter with Ryan's pamphlets spread in front of them.

"How are you planning on handling his school?" Mr. Anderson asked.

"We're going to play it by ear. See how much he can handle. He's such a strong kid, but we don't want him to push himself too hard," Kirsten replied.

"Dr. Kim has suggested half days," Sandy said quietly. "She was here earlier. She says that he can come in for half days and get accelerated classes…like, Anna and Mr. Anderson will have an hour or so for chemistry on Mondays and Wednesdays, English and Calculus on those days, too, if it's not too much and then on Tuesdays and Thursdays he can have his Spanish and Western Civilization courses…"

"That way, he'll still be a full time student but it won't interfere with his…recovery. He'll have his classes in one of the empty classrooms with a few of the other…more advanced students, that way, he won't be exposed to a lot of people and anyone that's sick will be kept away from him," Mr. Anderson explained.

"That seems reasonable…if he can handle it."

"Ryan's grades are impeccable," Mr. Anderson continued. "He's well on his way to a scholarship so we don't want him to lose ground."

"I've been getting a lot of calls from his teammates," Coach Jenkins said. "They're worried about him and even though he won't be able to play for a while…or again…they'd like to help. I'd like to talk to his doctor about some exercise regiments to keep him in shape, I was thinking maybe the team and I could help him with a workout…"

"Dr. Tarleton says he needs to take it easy…" Kirsten replied.

"But he needs to keep in shape. Nothing heavy, maybe some walks and some stretches, nothing that's not approved with the doctor," Coach Jenkins said immediately.

"I'll give the doctor your number," Kirsten agreed.

"Where's Ryan?" Sandy asked.

Ryan was sitting in the living room listening to Chip and Luke's description of the party from the night before. Seth was sitting beside him on the couch checking his phone messages.

"So, man, the girl was pretty disappointed that you didn't make it, but we can do it another time," Chip said.

"We'll see," Ryan smiled.

"So, how're you doing?" Luke asked.

"I'm okay. Tired as hell, but much better than yesterday," Ryan replied.

"My little brother had leukemia but he made it through, you just have to keep you head up, you know?" Chip said.

"He's okay now, right?" Seth asked.

"Yeah. He'll be a freshman at Harbor next year, he's totally recovered," Chip replied.

"That's great, man," Ryan nodded.

"All the guys are looking out for you, man, so don't worry about anything. We've got your back," Luke said.

"Thanks," Ryan said, glancing at Seth. "I guess…I mean, that's nice."

"Well, we just wanted to stop in and say what's up. We'll give you a call later," Chip said as Larry and Hailey walked in.

"Hey, dude, what's up?" Larry had a bright purple Mohawk and he shook Ryan's hand.

"Not much. What are you doing here?"

"Harassing Seth's grandpa," Larry laughed.

"Hailey…" Ryan greeted as she leaned in and gave him a hug.

"Just wanted to say hello. I'll get out of your way," She smiled. She slapped Larry's hand as she left.

"Your aunt is cool. Hey, you must be Seth," Larry introduced.

"Yeah." Seth shook his hand.

"Ryan talks about you a lot. Anna used to."

"We have chemistry together, or we used to before I got banned from the class. Small explosion," Larry grinned.

"Ah, I think I heard about that," Seth acknowledged.

"So, Anna said you were pretty sick…she's a little upset, she'll be by later," Larry explained.

"The Cohens have gotten me the best doctors possible," Ryan said. "I'll be okay."

"Of course you will. I just wanted to come by and…and make sure you were okay," Larry said.

"Thanks. I'll be fine, I guess. It's going to be a while, though. It sucks that it took something like this to get you to come visit," Ryan said.

"Well, you know. I'll talk to you later," Larry glanced at Seth and left.

"What's that about?"

"Larry's pretty protective of Anna. He blames you a little for breaking her heart," Ryan replied, getting to his feet.

"Oh…Is he into her?"

"Nah, he's got some punk rocker chick that he goes out with. He's a good friend. You guys would probably get along if it wasn't for that," Ryan shrugged. "Listen, I'm going to go take a shower and then I'll be back, okay?"

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I'm fine, Seth. You're acting all weird," Ryan mentioned.

"Sorry. I'm trying to be…helpful."

"You are. But I'm fine. I swear," Ryan held up two fingers in a peace sign. "Do me a favor, though?"

"Sure, anything…"

"Relax."

* * *

When Ryan didn't emerge from the guest room after about an hour, Sandy went to the door and knocked. There was no answer so he stepped inside. Ryan was asleep on the bed, half dressed. His jeans were on and he had one arm through the sleeve of his shirt.

"Ryan?"

Ryan stirred slightly as Sandy sat down beside him on the bed. "Come on, kid…" Sandy woke him gently and was grateful when Ryan looked at him with clear eyes.

"I didn't know narcolepsy was a side effect," Sandy teased. Ryan gave him a weak smile.

"Yeah, I guess I spaced out a little."

"You still mad at me?"

"I'm not mad, Sandy," Ryan sighed.

"Then tell me what's going on between us."

Ryan sighed again. "How about…you trust me to tell you when I need help and I'll trust you to be there?"

"Okay…" Sandy started.

"That's it. If I'm being quiet, it's because I don't have anything to say. If I say I'm fine…"

"Then you're fine. I trust your honesty…"

"Thanks…"

"But please, keep being honest with me. About anything, okay?"

"I will," Ryan agreed.

"Okay. Problem solved. You want to come out and eat something? The crowd's thinned out and it's just family now."

"Sure. Is Rosa out there?"

"Yeah, why?"

Ryan gave him a weak smile. "She's going to try and make me eat everything…"

"She's been cooking since she found out," Sandy laughed. He stood up and waited for Ryan to follow.

Ryan glanced at him before reaching out his hand for support and pulling himself to his feet with Sandy's arm.

* * *

The next week was exhausting for Ryan and his family. Visitors constantly came by and Kirsten finally had to restrict company to family and close friends.

Ryan had been too exhausted to make it to school but was determined to go on Monday. His chemo would be that afternoon.

Kirsten and Sandy had both promised Ryan that they would go back to work, they'd stayed out with him for the week.

Ryan's chemo was taking a toll on him. After only 3 sessions, he'd lost his appetite completely and now lost his energy after only short walks. He was always cold no matter how many layers of clothes he wore.

Anna came by every day and the Cohens had come to depend on her to take care of Ryan for a few hours and give them a break. Ryan insisted on it, he hated having them giving up so much of their time for him. Summer would come over and take Seth out during Anna's visits. From five until eight, Anna would sit with Ryan and most days, his friend would visit, like Luke and Larry.

Sunday night was no different. Sandy and Kirsten were out with Caleb and Anna was sitting with Ryan in the den. Summer and Seth were staying in.

"Ryan, what'd you eat today?" Anna asked while Seth and Summer were in the kitchen.

"Are you going to lecture me, too? I had a piece of toast and juice for breakfast, rice for lunch and a snack of fruit about an hour ago…" Ryan listed. Anna was sitting beside him on the couch.

"You keep any of it down?"

"All of it. Aren't you proud?" Ryan sighed, annoyed.

"Good for you."

"White rice is the only thing I can get down without gagging…" Ryan admitted.

"But at least you're keeping it down. You'll get stronger…" Anna said, interrupted by the doorbell.

"I'll get it," Summer called from the kitchen. She returned a few minutes later with Marissa at her side.

"Hey," Ryan nodded.

"Can I talk to you?" Marissa asked.

"We'll be in the kitchen," Anna followed Summer from the room.

"How are you?" Ryan asked nervously.

"Well, I'm a little upset. Why didn't you tell me?" She sat down beside him.

"I didn't think you'd care," Ryan replied evenly.

"I did…I do care."

"Okay, Marissa. Now you know. What's changed?"

"You have cancer, Ryan…"

"I'm going to be fine." The words rolled off Ryan's tongue these days.

"Ryan…"

"Marissa, I don't want your pity. You didn't want to be my girlfriend or my friend when I was healthy. I don't want a pity friendship, I have enough to deal with right now…"

Seth, Anna and Summer heard the slap in the kitchen.

Anna got to Marissa first. Ryan was holding a hand to his face with a surprised expression.

"Coop, what the hell did you do?" Summer asked.

"Get out of here, Marissa." Anna pulled the girl off the couch and blocked her view of Ryan.

"I'm sorry…" Marissa was flushed with embarrassment.

"Ryan?" Seth called.

"I'm okay…" Ryan muttered.

"Out, Marissa!" Anna repeated.

Marissa scurried out of the den.

Summer sat down and gently pulled Ryan's hand away and winced sympathetically.

"She's got an arm on her," Ryan smiled.

"It's bruising already," Summer said.

"I'll get some ice," Seth started.

"No, man, I'm freezing…" Ryan protested.

"Your parents are going to kill me," Anna realized.

"It's okay, guys. Really. I'm not glass, it's fine," Ryan insisted.

"Dude…you bruise from, like, a touch these days…" Seth said slowly.

"It's my fault. I told her I didn't want her friendship out of pity and…and she got mad…"

"She shouldn't have hit you," Anna said. She held out a Kleenex. "Your nose is bleeding, Ryan, here…"

"I'll be right back…" Ryan got up and disappeared into the bedroom and closed the bathroom door with a slam.

"Seth, I'll go check on him, can you call your parents?" Anna asked.

"I'll come with you," Summer said, following Anna into the guest room.

"Ryan?" Anna pushed open the door and found Ryan retching into the toilet. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah…the taste of blood made me a little nauseous…I'll be right out…"

"Don't be shy, let me help you…" Anna went to Ryan's side and pushed a washcloth against his nose. "Summer, bring us some ice and a blanket?"

"I'll be right back," Summer said.

"Thanks, Anna. For babysitting," Ryan smiled sadly.

"Babysitters get paid," Anna replied. "Besides, you can pay me back when you get better."

"Deal," Ryan agreed.

"Does it hurt?"

"Nah. I can take it," Ryan sighed, lowering the washcloth. "Better."

"Still bleeding, though," Anna warned and he replaced the cloth.

"Okay, blanket-check and icepack-check…" Summer returned and held out the items. Anna pressed the icepack against Ryan's bruising face as Summer draped the blanket around him.

"Thanks, nurses," Ryan teased.

Seth stepped into the crowded bathroom. He held the phone out to Ryan.

"Yeah?" Ryan answered.

"Ryan, are you all right?"

"I'm fine. I'll be fine when you get back. Take your time."

"Call us if you need us, okay?"

"I will."

* * *

Ryan was asleep on the couch when Kirsten and Sandy got home. His face wasn't swollen but his cheek and eye were bruised.

"Poor kid," Sandy sighed.

Seth entered. "He said it's a sign of his _patheticness_."

"What?" Sandy asked.

"He was joking. I mean, stick-thin Marissa gave him a shiner," Seth said.

"Is he okay?" Kirsten asked.

"His spirits were a little down, but he's still ready to go to school tomorrow. He says it doesn't hurt but Anna gave him his sedative anyway…I think he asked for it," Seth replied.

"Maybe I should stay with him tomorrow," Kirsten said.

"He won't go for it. He's okay, Kirsten. You'll take him to school, I'll take him to chemo and then we'll go from there. One thing at a time," Sandy said.

"Seth, you'll take care of him tomorrow?" Kirsten still needed the reassurance.

"I'm with him for the first 45 minutes, then Luke and then Anna. Dr. Kim's being really cool about it, as long as we use our free period and not actual class time. The teachers are using their free periods, too," Seth explained.

"We should move him to bed," Kirsten said.

"He's comfortable. Let him sleep."


	8. Eight

_AN: Here's a tiny update. You knew it wasn't going to be easy, right? Right? If not...sorry. _

* * *

Ryan walked into Harbor with Kirsten the next morning. He was alert and well-rested but his face was still bruised and he was out of breath from the walk up the stairs. Kirsten gave him a hug and left him with his bag.

Mr. Anderson greeted him at the door to the classroom. Ryan was relieved to see the few students in the classroom. Seth, Larry, Holly and a couple of other kids were seated already.

"Okay. For some of you, this is a catch up course. A couple of you have been out of the country whereas some of you are going to be on a limited schedule. So let's get started."

Mr. Anderson was a pretty relaxed teacher and Larry and Seth kept Ryan entertained with their secretive paper fight that climaxed with a wad of paper colliding with Mr. Anderson's face.

Mr. Anderson gave them the last 10 minutes free and Seth immediately pulled his desk up to Ryan's.

"You feel okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. I think these classes will be okay," Ryan said. Larry approached.

"Hey, man. This is really cool, man. It's giving a lot of us second chances to get all our requirements," Larry said.

"Yeah?"

"See, I'm going on tour with my girl in a couple of weeks and I'm going to miss a lot of school. This keeps me up. That, and I'm not allowed in the chemistry lab anymore," He laughed.

English class was equally laid back and Luke was his 'sidekick' for the period, making sure Ryan was drinking fluids and staying alert.

Ryan was getting tired when Anna joined him for calculus.

"Hey, I thought you'd be in chemistry," Ryan said.

"Well, my free period fell on calculus. And I haven't been feeling the math lately, so I can use the practice," She admitted.

"Well, if I nod off, just shake me."

"Deal. It'll be over soon and I'm taking you to lunch."

* * *

Ryan made it through chemo without throwing up but his strength was gone and they could barely wake him when they got home. He immediately retreated to the guest room and bundled under the pile of blankets, passing out.

Sandy stepped in to wake him up for his medicine around eight.

"Ryan?" Sandy gently patted the mound of blankets until Ryan's head emerged. "Hey, there."

"What time is it?"

"Around eight…"

"Really? Sorry for falling asleep…"

"You had a long day. I have your meds."

"You want me to eat?" Ryan asked, swallowing the pills.

"Do you want to eat?"

"I never want to eat," Ryan replied.

"Rice, it is," Sandy smiled. They'd go through this routine every day.

Ryan sighed. He wasn't feeling like joking today.

"Have I told you how proud I am of you?"

"What?" Ryan asked.

"You're handling this…so bravely…I don't know how you do it…" Sandy admitted.

"I'm following your lead," Ryan replied. "Everyone's been so great…I'm just letting you take care of me."

"Do you want to come out for dinner, Ryan?" Sandy asked, sensing that Ryan didn't want to see anyone.

"Can I…can I just sleep awhile?"

Kirsten stepped in with the phone in her hand. "Ryan…your brother is on the phone."

"Trey?" Ryan asked in surprise.

"Do you want to talk to him?"

Ryan hesitated but took the phone. Kirsten and Sandy left him alone.

"Trey?" Ryan answered.

"Ryan. Damn, it's good to hear your voice."

"What's up, man?"

"Well, I heard a nasty rumor…"

"About who?"

"Stop fucking with me, Ry. Is it true?" Trey demanded.

"What…"

"Is it fucking true?"

"I had cancer. I have cancer…" Ryan said slowly.

"Fuck…fuck me, Ry…"

"I'm doing what the doctors say, I'm taking treatments and they say I'll be okay…in a while…"

Trey was silent.

"I'm fine, Trey."

"You're full of shit, you're dying…"

"No, Trey…"

"You have cancer, you're fucking dying…"

"Fuck you…" Ryan hung up the phone abruptly, unable to listen. He turned the ringer off and set it on the table by the door before returning to bed. He wouldn't talk to Trey. He couldn't. He had to take it one day at a time but he couldn't talk to Trey.

* * *

Ryan managed to make it to school for the next few days but after his Thursday chemo session, he retreated to his room without speaking to anyone. Sandy didn't want to push him and Seth agreed, saying that Ryan needed to rest.

Kirsten found him burrowed under the covers later that afternoon, sweating with fever. He didn't wake when she shook him and was hot to the touch. He was burning up.

"Sandy? Call Dr. Tarleton. Now!" She yelled, shaking Ryan more desperately. Seth joined her.

"Mom, what is it?"

"I can't wake him up…" She said, panicked. She kept shaking him.

"Mom, let go…Mom!" Seth pulled her away before sitting down on Ryan's bed. "Ryan?"

Sandy brought the phone in and handed it to Kirsten.

"Ryan, wake up, buddy…" Seth slapped his face gently. Ryan wasn't dead, he was just sleeping and Seth would wake him up and everything would be okay. He slapped his face again.

Ryan's eyelids fluttered.

"Ryan, wake up…" Seth repeated.

"Hmm…"

"Ryan, it's important…" Seth urged until Ryan finally opened his glazed blue eyes.

"Thank god, Ryan?" Sandy asked from over Seth's shoulder.

"Fuck…it's hot…" Ryan muttered. "What's going on?"

Kirsten lowered the phone. "You're running a fever, we have to take you in…"

"What…no…" Ryan was still confused.

"Ryan? It's okay…it's just to get your temperature down…" Sandy met Ryan's panicked gaze. "It's okay."

Ryan gave him a timid nod. "Okay…" He turned to Seth. "Help me to the car, man…"

* * *

Ryan slept all the way to the hospital and Dr. Tarleton was waiting for them in the ER. He quickly put Ryan in a wheelchair and rolled him into a private room for examination. The nurse explained that he didn't want to expose Ryan to all the germs in the ER.

Sandy and Kirsten sat in the waiting room and watched Seth pace. Once hour three passed, Seth was sitting while they paced. No one made any move to leave.

Dr. Tarleton stepped in.

"Doctor…" Sandy started.

"His fever's broken. It spiked a little while ago and he's resting comfortably now…"

"What's wrong with him?" Seth demanded.

"His system's compromised by the chemo. Even something as innocent as the common cold can cause an infection. We're treating him with the antibiotics and he should be fine in a few days."

"What about the chemo?"

"We're putting that on hold for right now. We'll see how he does in the next few days," Dr. Tarleton said. "This is only a setback. Ryan's still hanging in there."

"But…but this wasn't supposed to happen, right? Like, we should have been taking better care of him…"

"There's no way of telling where he got the infection from. You have done everything you could do to keep him safe. Don't lose faith, now."

"Can we see him?"

"Sure. We've moved him back to his room, Rita's with him. She's taken a liking to him. I'll get some blankets for you."

Seth sat down beside Ryan's bed as soon as he walked into the room.

Ryan was sleeping, his chest rising and falling in rhythm to the heart monitor he was attached to. Seth leaned forward and put his forehead on top of Ryan's hand. And he started to cry.

Sandy moved to stop him, but Kirsten stopped him. She pulled Sandy outside, leaving Seth with Ryan.

"You can't keep doing this to me. This isn't fair…I'm supposed to take care of you now and you're fucking it all up…you can't die…I won't let you…" Seth cried.

Ryan didn't wake up, but his hand moved under Seth's head. Seth raised his head and looked at Ryan.

"Ryan?"

He was asleep. Seth sighed and leaned back in the chair. "You have to get better." He reached out and took Ryan's hand. "You have to get better." Ryan squeezed his hand and moved his lips, contented in his sleep.

* * *

Ryan woke up to the smell of coffee. It'd been a while since he'd been allowed coffee and even though the mildest smells sent his stomach into somersaults, coffee smelled like heaven to him. He missed it.

He missed a lot of things. Walking ten steps without getting out of breath. Swimming. Riding his bike. Hanging out with his friends in public.

He opened his eyes and recognized the hospital room.

"Anna's at the house. She's helping Rosa fix up his room," Sandy was saying.

They were fixing up his room again?

"What is it this time?" Seth asked.

"I bought a TV and a game system so if he doesn't feel like getting out of bed, he doesn't have to. We've also ordered a king-sized bed…" Kirsten started, pausing.

"Isn't that a little much?" Sandy asked.

"Just the other day, Seth, Ryan, Summer and Anna were all clustered on the bed playing cards. This way, there's plenty of room. I'll upgrade Seth's room next weekend," Kirsten said.

Ryan was thirsty and Seth caught his gaze first.

"Hey, man. How're you feeling?"

"Sick…" Ryan croaked. Seth offered him a bottle of juice with a straw.

"Well, yeah. But you're looking much better conscious," Seth grinned.

"You had a pretty nasty infection, but you're doing much better. Your fever's gone and as soon as you get your strength back…" Kirsten started. "You can go home."

"As soon as I get my strength back? You've got to be kidding," Ryan laughed, finishing the juice.

"Maybe that's a bad choice of words. You just need to rest, okay?" Kirsten said.

"Okay. No problem there," Ryan snorted.

"Someone's a little grouchy today," Sandy smiled.

Ryan gave him the finger. They laughed. Even through Ryan's worst moments, the Cohens were entertained when he was grumpy. He was usually so dry and complacent that his grouchiness was a stark contrast.

Ryan rolled his eyes and sat up slowly, struggling to maneuver the IV out of his way.

"What are you trying to do?" Seth asked finally.

"I need to go to the bathroom…" Ryan admitted.

"I'm going to go see if we can't get you something to eat and to let the doctor know you're awake," Kirsten said.

Ryan didn't realize until he got to his feet how weak he really was. His knees gave out immediately and if Sandy hadn't been standing beside him, he would have fallen. But Sandy put his arms around Ryan's shoulders and helped steady him to the bathroom.

"Who knew bathroom breaks would turn into a family affair?" Ryan asked. Seth was walking alongside rolling the IV with them.

"We're not going in there with you man, we're just here for the support," Seth joked.

Ryan closed the door to the bathroom as Sandy and Seth waited outside.

"He looks better," Sandy said aloud.

"He looks beat," Seth muttered.

"Chin up, Seth. He's getting through this. One day at a time, remember?"

"I know," Seth sighed. "It just sucks seeing him like this."

"I'm sure it's hard for him, too," Sandy replied.

The door opened and Ryan stepped out, his eyelids drooping. "I so want to go home."

"What's wrong?" Sandy asked.

"I don't have a toothbrush. I feel all yucky and there's not even a toothbrush in here," He muttered.

"I'll take care of that, I'll be right back," Sandy disappeared immediately.

"Parents are at your beck and call. Must be nice, right?" Seth said, helping Ryan to a seat.

"Were you crying last night?" Ryan asked suddenly.

"What?"

"Were you crying last night, Seth? Or was I dreaming?"

"Um…maybe a little. Sorry…"

Ryan was serious. He pointed his finger at Seth. "Don't you ever do that to me again, okay? I will not be responsible for what happens to you if you cry in front of me again, okay?"

Seth relaxed, smiling. "Okay, man."

"Okay." Ryan sighed. "So, can I get out of here soon?"

"Once you're a little better."

"I might as well stay until chemo. It's just going to knock me on my ass again," Ryan muttered.

"Well, you're getting a reprieve from chemo for the moment. Seems you're a little too fragile to take another dose so soon…" Seth said, regretting his words immediately as Ryan's face fell.

"Oh."

"What?"

"I can't even be sick the right way…"

"Dude, it's not your fault…"

Ryan shook his head. "It doesn't matter," He sighed. "I'm going to lie down."

"Don't you want to brush your teeth?"

"I'd rather lie down, now."

* * *

Anna was sitting with him when he woke up again.

"Hey, Ryan."

"Hey."

"Summer and Luke kidnapped your family. They're taking them out to dinner. Seth was a little hyper, Kirsten a little bitchy and Sandy…I swear, Ryan, he was whining, it was so not cool."

"Hmm…" Ryan mumbled, yawning. "Thanks. So you get babysitting duty again?"

"I was actually hoping you could help me with this calculus bullshit. You kicking me out?"

"I'm just not really feeling…social right now."

"Ryan, you're never social," Anna teased.

Ryan shifted in bed uncomfortably.

"What is it?"

"Why are you doing this for me?"

She looked at him. "What?"

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because you're my friend. And…"

"I don't want your pity…"

"You don't have my pity. You have my friendship. If it was me in that bed…I have no doubt that you'd stick by me."

He sighed.

"Don't start feeling sorry for yourself now, Ryan. You've come too far."

"Not far enough," Ryan muttered.

"Ryan, I was at your house today. Answering the phone and stuff…you got a call from Trey."

Ryan sighed.

"I accepted the charges, I didn't know what else to do…he said you won't talk to him."

"I can't."

"Will you talk to me?" Anna asked, taking his hand.

He lowered his gaze. "I told him that I was sick and that I was getting help. He freaked out, said I was dying, he said I was fucking dying…and I can't listen to that. I just can't. Not right now."

"Did you tell Sandy and Kirsten?"

"Why would I? So they can scold a guy they don't even know?" Ryan asked. "Trey…he's Trey."

"I'm sorry, Ryan."

Ryan nodded. "So. What did he say?"

"He wanted to know how you were doing. Said that every time he calls, they tell him you're sleeping. He says you never slept so much," Anna started. "He sounded worried. Rosa says he's been calling every day."

"Fuck."

"Ryan…"

"I'll call him…"

"Ryan…"

"Thanks, Anna. For hanging out. And you know…"

"No problem. I won't tell the Cohens about Trey."

They were silent.

"What about your mom, Ryan?"

"I don't know if she knows," Ryan replied.

"Of course she doesn't know…"

"Even if she did…she wouldn't be able to handle this. She'd stay away."

"Can I get you anything, Ryan?" Anna asked, sensing his mood darkening further.

"Can you turn off the lights? I'm so tired of sleeping with the lights on. Just for a while?"

"Sure thing…"

"Oh, wait, you were studying…"

"Well, now, I'll nap. I'll study later. Besides, if you're napping, there's no one to help me," Anna smiled.

* * *


	9. Nine

_AN: Small update. Final scene belongs to Joey._

* * *

Sandy and Kirsten stepped into the darkened room first, Seth was in the parking lot with Summer and Luke.

"Look," Sandy whispered.

Anna was asleep in the hospital bed beside Ryan, her arms wrapped around his blanket. He was still shivering but had a peaceful expression on his face as he slept.

"Let's leave them alone," Kirsten said, leading Sandy into the hallway again.

"You think that's normal?" Sandy asked.

"I think she's a good friend," Kirsten replied.

"They're sleeping in the same bed."

"I think that he knows what he's doing."

"But does she? I mean, he's sick…"

"Sandy, he's not going to die. He's going to get well," Kirsten stated flatly. "If they want to start something…that's up to them. You want to tell him why he can't have a girlfriend?"

"Girlfriend? I didn't think…"

"What I'm trying to say is that he's still a teenager. He's sick but he still has to go on. If she makes him happy, if she can make this even the slightest bit easier, then I think we should support him. He's lucky to have such good friends. Besides, we don't really know anything's going on."

Inside the room, Anna woke up. She'd watched Ryan sleep for a few minutes before making up her mind to help him get warm. He was so cold, all the time. She hated seeing him suffer, even when he swore he was fine, she'd see him shiver. He was so strong, but he was fading away right in front of her. She'd just wanted to hold onto him.

But she'd fallen asleep with her arms around him. If someone had walked in and seen her…there's no telling what they would think. She didn't even know what she thought. She was grateful that Ryan was still asleep.

But he had fitted nicely in her arms. His soft breathing. His smooth skin. She shook off her thoughts.

Ryan was her friend. That's it. He couldn't handle anything else right now.

When he was well, she'd talk to him. They'd talk.

She settled back into the seat beside the bed. Ryan didn't stir.

The door opened and she got up immediately, turning to see.

"Hey. How's he doing?" Kirsten asked.

"Sleeping. He wanted to turn the lights out. Said he's tired of sleeping with the lights on," She whispered.

"Oh. We hadn't thought of that."

Anna could sense that Kirsten had something more to say. "Everything okay?"

"Fine. Thank you for staying with him. You're a good friend."

"Thanks. So's he. I'll leave you with him. Tell him I'll see him tomorrow."

"He should be home by lunchtime," Kirsten smiled.

---- - - -- - - --- -- - - - - ----- - -- - - ----- - - -- - - --- -- - - - - ----- - -- - - ----- - - -- - - --- -- - - - - ----- - -- - - ----- - - -- - - -

Ryan woke up and for the first time in weeks, he was warm. He was heavy, too. Sometime during the night, Kirsten and Sandy had piled blankets on him. He saw Kirsten sleeping on the couch a few feet away. The only light in the room was from the closed curtains. It was obviously daylight outside.

He reached over and wearily flipped on the light. Kirsten sat up almost immediately, blinking away her sleep.

"You didn't have to stay."

"Of course I did. We weren't going to leave you here all alone. No matter how good you were sleeping." She came and sat beside him. "You needed the rest."

"All I do is rest."

"It's what's best right now," She smiled.

"I know."

"You get to go home today, though."

"That's good. When do I start chemo again?"

Kirsten was surprised. "I thought you'd be relieved…"

"I want it over. Putting it off a few days is nothing, I want it to be finished."

"Well, they want to run some tests. To see if the chemo's doing what they want it to do. There's a possibility that they might stop the treatments…"

"But…"

"Dr. Tarleton's going to come in and explain it all to you. It's nothing to worry about," She reassured him, reaching over and mussing his hair.

"Nothing to worry about…" He repeated.

"You've been doing great, Ryan. You're staying strong, you're fighting your hardest and you're going to get better. You just have to hang in there."

"I'm hanging," He said, giving her a sad smile. "Thanks for all the blankets. I'm not cold yet. It's a nice change."

"You're welcome. Anything that we can do."

"When are you going back to work?" Ryan asked.

"Don't worry about that."

"I am worried about that. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your…"

"I'm not sacrificing anything. Daddy understands and I can do just as much work with a phone and a laptop than I can in the office. Relax."

"Okay."

"You hungry?"

"I should eat."

"I'll go get Rita…"

"Does she work 24 hours?" Ryan asked.

"You just sleep when she's not here. The other nurses have crushes, too, but they're nowhere as smitten as Rita," Kirsten teased.

"She's harmless. You said," Ryan smiled. His gaze drifted past her.

"You okay?"

"Tired. Always tired," Ryan replied honestly.

"It'll get better."

"I know. You keep telling me so," He said. "Go get me something to eat, Kirsten. Be useful," He teased.

She gave him a soft kiss on his forehead and left.

As soon as she was gone, he let out the breath he was holding.

Stay strong. Hang on. It'll get better.

Words.

No matter what he did, he kept ending up here. In the hospital. Helpless. He was fucking helpless and weak and there was nothing he could do about it.

The worst part was, every day he was more and more frightened. Sandy and Kirsten's words were helping anymore. Seth's tears weren't helping. Anna's pity and charity wasn't helping.

He was fucking scared.

He was going to die.

What if Trey was right? What if he was just postponing the inevitable?

He was going to die.

"Ryan?" Kirsten stepped in. She must have seen the fear on his face because she put down the tray immediately and went to his side, pulling him into her arms. "You're shaking, what's wrong?"

"Nothing…"

"Oh, honey…I know this is hard…it's so hard…I know you're scared…please don't give up, okay? It's going to be okay…it's going to take time, but you'll be okay…you have to be patient…" She murmured.

He didn't say anything. She rocked him gently but he didn't say anything. He couldn't.

"Please…don't give up…we will get you through this, we're not making you do this alone…"

But he was alone. He was dying. He'd die and Kirsten and Sandy and Seth would move on. He was utterly alone. He needed them, he was trying to get better, but his body wasn't healing. He was scared.

"Ryan? Say something, Ryan…"

"I…I can't."

---- - - -- - - --- -- - - - - ----- - -- - - ----- - - -- - - --- -- - - - - ----- - -- - - ----- - - -- - - --- -- - - - - ----- - -- - - ----- - - -- - - -

Dr. Tarleton released Ryan from the hospital around ten and Kirsten drove him home. He was quiet and she didn't push him. She knew he was scared, but she'd never seen him this scared. After she'd held him for a while, he'd managed to eat the bland food and drink several glasses of juice. But he hadn't talked. He was painfully quiet and the closer they got to home, the more worried she was.

She parked the car in the driveway and turned to check on him.

He sat up, visibly steadying himself. "Okay."

"What?"

"I'm done with that. I'm okay. Let's go inside. I'm sorry for spacing out, but I'm okay now."

"You're okay," She repeated.

"Yeah. For now. Thank you. I just needed…not to talk for a while," He said.

But she could see in his eyes that he was still distant. Something had changed.

"Ryan…I know you need quiet sometimes. I know you're scared. We all are. But we have to stick together. You…you can talk to us. About anything. And if you don't want to talk to us…we'll get someone for you to talk to…I can't imagine what you're going through…I just want to help."

"I know. You are helping. I just…I need to wrap my head around all this," He whispered.

"Okay, kid. Let's get you inside." She went to the passenger side and opened his door from the outside. He reached out and she steadied him by the arm, trying to ignore his bruised arms from the IV's.

"Thanks…"

"No problem."

She walked slowly with him to the house and into his room.

The large bed took up a lot of space and she watched him to see his reaction.

"I heard you talking about the bigger bed," He confessed as he sat down. "It's really nice."

"Well, we want you to be as comfortable as possible. Besides, you know how we like to spend money," She said, sitting down beside him.

"I'm going to get a shower. I always feel dirty after the hospital."

"Sure."

He seemed steadier and turned to face her. "Can you see if Rosa can make me some of that green tea? It…it would be really good right now."

"Sure. Now, I know you want to be by yourself when you shower, but if you get weak or anything, just call out, okay?"

He stood up and glanced at her, wavering slightly. "Maybe I'll take a bath."

"Okay, kid. I'll leave you to it. I'll put some clothes on the bed for you."

Kirsten closed the door behind her and took a deep breath.

"Kirsten? Ryan has guests," Rosa said. "You okay?"

"Okay. He's getting cleaned up." She followed Rosa into the living room where a beautiful young Hispanic girl was sitting with an older lady, obviously her mother.

"Mrs. Cohen? I'm Teresa and this is my mom. We're friends of Ryan's," The girl introduced.

"Oh yes, he was supposed to go visit you a few days ago," Kirsten realized.

"Ryan was our neighbor for many years. He's a good boy. Teresa's been begging me to bring her out to see him ever since he called. How is he?" Eva asked.

"He's…he's weak. The chemotherapy is wearing him down. He had a pretty bad fever, I just brought him home from the hospital today."

"His brother…Seth, he's been keeping me updated. He's a nice kid. Can I see him?" Teresa asked.

"He's getting a bath…"

"Ryan's taking a bath? He hates baths," Teresa smiled, clearly nervous.

"Teresa. He's weak…" Her mother said quietly.

"Oh. And it's not like he's going to let anyone help him…" Teresa muttered.

"You seem to know Ryan very well," Kirsten smiled.

"Yeah. As well as anyone really can know him. We…we were friends a long time."

"Come into the kitchen. I'll get Rosa to fix us up some snacks and Ryan should be out soon so you can see him for yourself."

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Anna drove Seth home from school. His parents had forced him to go, he'd missed a lot of days while he was at the hospital with Ryan but he wasn't happy about school.

School was weird now. All the soccer jocks that used to terrorize him had become nice overnight. They would constantly ask him for updates on Ryan's health and offer him notes, rides, lunch, anything they could think of that he would need.

It was like the twilight zone. Luke, Anna and Summer were the only people getting him through the day. Anna made it a point to talk about anything and everything that didn't concern cancer or hospitals. Summer held his hand whenever she was near and their stolen kisses and makeout sessions were the highlight of his days now. She seemed to know that he needed her. Luke had turned out to be a prime study partner. He'd helped Seth with many a quiz cram session since Ryan's sickness.

"Hey. We're here."

"You coming in?" Seth asked her.

"Yeah. He's home, right?"

"Mom called, said he got home around lunch," Seth said. He glanced at Anna. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"When'd you and Ryan get so close?"

"What?"

"You guys…you're really close. How'd I miss that?"

"Summer," She said quietly. "When you started getting serious with Summer…Ryan and I became friends. I…I was a little upset and he's a good listener. He's a good friend."

Seth nodded. "I'm sorry…"

"I see how happy you guys are together and I know that it was for the best," She said.

"Do you like Ryan?" Seth asked.

"What?"

"Like…do you _like_ him?"

"He's…he's like my best friend."

"That's not what I'm asking."

"I care about him, Seth. It's not romantic…"

"Not yet, you mean," Seth smiled slyly.

"Seth, he's got cancer. He needs to focus on getting better. I'm not here to complicate his life. I'm here because he's my friend and he needs me."

Seth was still smiling.

"Seth," Anna scolded.

"I know."

"Seth, don't try and start anything. Ryan's…he's uncomfortable enough as it is. He needs his friends to be around him, he needs us not to treat him weird. We owe him that much."

"Okay. Let's go inside," Seth said, nodding with understanding.

She followed him into the house.

"Mom?" Seth called.

"She's outside, working. Ryan's sleeping. He had visitors all afternoon, he's pretty tired out," Rosa said, greeting them both.

"I'm going to go talk to Mom," Seth said.

Anna went to Ryan's room and pushed open the cracked door. He was curled onto one edge of the massive bed. She closed the door behind her as quietly as she could.

"Anna?" He called, sitting up.

"Yeah. How'd you know?"

"My sense of smell is in hyperdrive. I can smell your shampoo from here," He admitted.

"Wow. How're you doing?" She climbed onto the bed and settled beside him.

"Okay."

"Yeah?"

"Sucky."

"Figured. Can I help?"

"I just…I want to forget about it for a while," He said.

"Okay. Well, we can play video games or watch a movie or do some schoolwork, what's your pleasure?" She asked.

"How about…I call my brother. Will you sit with me? And once we're done, we can watch that movie you're always talking about, with the colors."

"Reservoir Dogs? Really?" She grinned.

"Yeah."

"Okay, that sounds like a plan."

Ryan reached over and picked up the phone. Anna didn't want to seem like she was hanging off every word, so she spread a deck of cards out in front of her and started a game of solitaire.

"Can I speak to Trey Atwood? Yes, I'll hold." Ryan's eyes were dull and unfocused as he watched Anna lay out the rows.

Ryan didn't want to talk to Trey but he had to. If he'd been calling so much, it was obvious that he was worried. Ryan needed to ease Trey's mind and get him to stop worrying. He was so tired of everyone worrying about him. He just needed someone to treat him like a regular person and not a patient. Right now, that person was Anna. She was helpful and supportive. She treated him carefully, but she wasn't smothering like Kirsten or Seth. He wanted her here while he talked to Trey. He didn't think she would make as big of a deal out of it as Seth or his parents.

"This is Trey."

"Hey. Anna said you called."

"Ryan? Yeah, man, I'm so sorry about last time, I overreacted…"

"A little."

"Teresa says you're doing okay, that they're taking good care of you. I called her after…after you stopped taking my calls."

"The…the medicine takes a lot out of me, Trey."

"You're tough. You'll get through it."

Ryan forced himself to focus on the cards in front of Anna. He spotted a move and reached over, moving the eight over the nine. He felt Anna's eyes on him.

"Ryan? How are you holding up?"

"I'm going to be fine, Trey."

"And…you'll take my calls?"

"Yeah. If I'm awake. Teresa came to see me today."

"What'd she say?"

"That I needed a tan," Ryan replied.

"Sounds like Teresa."

"Listen, man…I have to go."

"Yeah? Okay. I'll call you in a couple of days and see how you're doing, okay?"

"That'd be nice, Trey." He hung up the phone.

"That didn't seem so bad," Anna said quietly.

"Not too bad."

Anna squeezed his shoulder and he turned to look at her. She gave him a shy smile. "You ready for some blood and cursing?"

"Um…" He was confused.

"The movie."

"Oh, yeah. Bring it on," Ryan smiled, relaxing.

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Summer was leaning on Seth's shoulder in the den of his house. Ryan had been asleep awhile, covered under a thick blanket in the chair beside the couch. Summer was enjoying her boyfriend's warm arms around her and the peaceful silence. Kirsten and Sandy had gone to bed hours earlier.

Seth was watching Conan O'Brien when Ryan stirred.

He sat up slowly and blinked, tiredly. He sluggishly disentangled himself from the blanket and stood up. He immediately faltered.

Seth deserted Summer immediately and she fell to the couch with a thump, unprepared. Seth managed to catch Ryan by the shoulders as his knees buckled.

"I got you…come on…" Seth helped him back to his feet and put his arm around Ryan, supporting him to the guest room.

"Thanks," Ryan murmured as Seth released him at the bed.

Seth looked at his friend in the dim light. He was pale and thin. Seth had never seen Ryan look so thin, almost frail. It wasn't supposed to be like this. "Do you need…" Seth started.

"Seth."

"Yeah?"

Ryan was looking at him with clear blue eyes and it took all of Seth's power to hold his gaze. "Do you think this is normal?"

"What?"

"For me to be…this sick. Do you think I'm getting better, Seth?" Ryan's eyes searched his face.

Seth couldn't say anything. He didn't know what to say.

"Because…because I feel like I'm dying, Seth…and I…I don't know what to do about it…" Ryan whispered.

"No. You're getting better, man," Seth said. "You're just…tired."

Ryan nodded, his face blank. "Tired." He stretched out and pulled the blankets up around his neck.

"Ryan, I…"

"'Night, Seth."

Seth turned off the light, realizing that he'd lost his chance to say anything else to Ryan.

He sat down on the couch beside Summer and she settled into his lap again, leaning her head on his shoulder. She glanced up when she felt the first wetness on her shoulder.

He was crying silently with his eyes clenched shut.

"Cohen, what…"

"He just said…he told me he was dying…he…he asked me if I thought he was getting better…and I didn't know what to say…god…he can't die, Summer…"

She embraced him, holding him as he sobbed.

"He can't die…" Seth cried.

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	10. Ten

Kirsten wasn't sleeping. Sandy was snoring softly and usually, it lulled her to sleep. But not tonight. After seeing Ryan's vulnerability at the hospital, she'd been forcing herself to give him space. If he needed her, he'd ask. He wouldn't appreciate being smothered.

But she knew he was scared. She didn't know if anyone else knew.

She had to do something.

She pulled her robe around her as she climbed out of bed. Sandy shifted, rolling in the opposite direction without her warmth.

She walked downstairs. She glanced into the living room and saw Seth and Summer asleep in each other's arms on the couch. Both of them looked like they'd been crying.

At least Seth had Summer.

Who did Ryan have? Who could Ryan talk to?

She silently pushed open the door to his room.

She froze.

Ryan was sitting upright in bed. A half empty bottle of whiskey was leaned against his knee. He was staring at his hands. He was holding a small handgun.

She'd only seen guns on police officers. Ryan, her son, he should never have one.

He should never be looking at it like he was looking at it.

He was staring at it with glazed blue eyes.

She didn't move.

His body was shaking. He was pale. As she watched, he leaned over the edge of the bed and threw up into the pail they'd put there. He wiped his mouth and returned his attention to the gun.

"Ryan," she said quietly.

He recoiled, his panicked eyes showing how much she had startled him.

"Ryan. What are you doing with the gun?"

"I…" He whispered.

She closed the door behind her. She didn't want Seth to hear this. She didn't want Sandy to hear this. "What are you doing with it? Are you…"

"No…I wasn't…not yet…"

"Not yet? Ryan…"

He shook his head and she saw the tears streaming down his face.

"Give it to me."

The gun was shaking in his hand.

"Ryan. Give it to me."

He dropped it on the bed and she grabbed it immediately, pushing it to the far side out of his reach.

"I wasn't…"

"Ryan…"

He wrapped his arms around himself and started to sob. "I'm so tired, Kirsten…I hate this…"

"I know, honey, I know…" She enveloped him in her arms and rocked him, her shaking and his shaking combining into a violent hug.

"I'm sorry…I don't want to die…I'm just so tired of feeling like this…I'm so tired of being…"

"I know, honey…you can't give up…"

"I'm too tired…"

"I know, but…"

"I'm not strong enough…everyone keeps telling me how strong I am, but I'm not…I've never been this weak…" He choked.

"You're not weak, you're sick…"

"I'm dying…I'm dying, Kirsten…and there's nothing I can do…"

"You are not dying. Look at me." She held his face in her hands and forced him to look at her. His arms remained around himself. "You are not going to die."

He shook his head.

"You are not going to die," She repeated.

Slowly, he relaxed his arms and reached out, pulling her into a hug. He buried his face in her shoulder.

"Shh…I am going to take care of you…"

"I'm sorry…"

"It's okay…let me take care of you…"

He cried and she held him. He was clinging to her…like he was dying and she was the only one who could save him.

"You are going to get better. I know you're tired, I know you think you're weak, but you're not. You can do this. I know you can do this…"

"I can't…I can't anymore…"

"Yes. You can. I won't let you give up…" She whispered. "You've come too far, you're too important…"

"I…"

"Do you know what this would do to Seth? To Sandy? God, don't you know how important you are to us?"

"I don't want you guys to watch me die…"

"You are not going to die…"

"I…I can't do this, Kirsten…I can't…" he collapsed into sobs again.

"Ryan…" She ran out of words.

She didn't know what to do. She needed Sandy, she needed someone to tell her what to do. Sixteen years of being Seth's mother hadn't prepared her for anything like this, she didn't know what to do. She had to help him. She had to make this child better. He was counting on her to take care of him. They'd expected him to be strong, but he was just a child, no matter how mature he acted.

She glanced over at the gun and then with Ryan still clinging to her, reached over and picked up the phone. She dialed Dr. Tarleton's pager and waited for him to return her call.

"Please…" he whispered.

"I'm going to take care of you…you don't have to be strong, you don't have to do anything, I'm going to take care of you…" she murmured. She'd made her decision. She was going to take over for him, he needed to rest. Not physically rest, he needed to rest his mind.

"Who did you call?"

"The doctor…"

He whimpered. He was still clinging to her but he was weaker. She looked at his eyes and realized that he was exhausted.

"Lie down, honey…I'm right here…I'll be right here…" She urged. He obeyed and curled up, still holding her hand. "Ryan…how much did you drink, Ryan?" She glanced at the bottle when he didn't answer. "Ryan?"

He mumbled something. She shook him softly. "Ryan, was this full?" She took his silence as agreement.

The phone rang. She answered it immediately so it's ringing wouldn't wake anyone else. "Hello?"

"Kirsten? It's Dr. Tarleton. What's wrong?"

She glanced down. Ryan's grip was still strong but his eyes were closed. He was asleep.

"Kirsten?"

"He's…he's been drinking. And he has a gun…he…he doesn't think he's getting better and…"

"How much did he drink?"

"A lot…a lot…" She said aloud.

"Okay, Kirsten…can you bring him in? I'll be right there, I'll meet you in the parking lot…"

"The hospital?"

"If he's a danger to himself, if he's drinking, that's not good for him…bring him in."

"Okay…"

"He's going to be okay. We'll take care of him. Don't worry…"

"Too late…I'm going to bring him down. Thanks Dr. Tarleton…" She hung up the phone. She gently shook Ryan until he regarded her with glazed dim eyes. "I need you to get up and come with me."

"Now?"

"Yes, honey. Now." She helped him sit up and put his slippers on. She draped a blanket around his shoulders and helped him to his feet with her arm steadying him around his waist.

"I…"

"Shh. Don't talk. I think we both need a little quiet right now," She whispered. She couldn't take him apologizing. She should have known that his strong front wouldn't last forever. He was just a child. She led him from the room and they'd just gotten to the front door when she heard the yawn behind her.

"Mom?" Seth called from the end of the hallway. "What's going on?"

"Nothing, Seth. Just go to bed…"

"But, Mom…"

"Go to bed, Seth." She turned and gave him a serious look as she softened her tone. "Everything's fine. Just go to bed."

Seth gave her a confused look but she didn't have time to explain.

She wasn't going to be the one to tell Seth that his best friend wanted to die.

"Oh…okay…" Seth said.

"Thank you," She nodded, turning and helping Ryan out of the house.

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Sandy walked by his son's door and realized that it was open and Seth was asleep in Summer's arms. They didn't approve of girls staying overnight, but Seth had left the door open so Sandy knew that he was aware of the broken rule, but respectful of having broken the rule. Sandy let them sleep.

He walked down the stairs. Kirsten wasn't around, the house was silent. She'd left him sometime during the night and hadn't returned. He thought she must be with Ryan.

He stepped into the room and was surprised to find it empty. His gaze flickered around the room and he saw the bottle of whiskey first.

Opened. Half-empty.

Then he saw the gun.

He'd never had a gun in the house. He'd never allowed guns in his house.

Why was the gun here?

What had happened in this room?

He walked into the room and locked it behind him. He picked up the bottle of whiskey first and took it into the bathroom. His hands were shaking as he emptied it down the sink.

He walked back toward the bed and picked up the gun.

He'd never held a gun. He didn't know how to work a gun. He wanted it out of his house. He sat down with it and picked up the phone. He dialed Kirsten's cell phone.

"Sandy…" She answered.

"Where is he?"

"I…he's back at the hospital…"

"What happened?"

"He…he's sick."

Sandy stared at the gun in his hand and he knew. "Where'd he get it, Kirsten?"

There was a long pause but finally she whispered, "I don't know. You found it?"

"Yes."

"Oh god…I forgot, I was in such a rush to get him here that…what if Seth had found it?"

"Was he…what was he doing with it?"

"He's…he's really tired, Sandy. It's…he's been keeping his brave face on…but he's really scared…he drank so much, he's so shaken…Dr. Tarleton wanted me to bring him down…"

"I'm on my way…"

"Wait. Are you going to tell Seth?"

"No. I'm going to see if Summer can get him to school…"

"Tell him that Ryan's weaker than we thought and we had to bring him back in. Don't tell him…don't tell him anything more…"

"Okay. I'll be right there…are you okay, Kirsten?"

"I…I really need you here…"

"I'm coming…" Sandy hung up the phone and stared at the gun in his hand.

"Sandford?" Caleb stepped into the room. "Sandy? What the hell are you doing with that?"

"It's…Ryan had it. He was…" Sandy murmured, dazed.

"Oh…he's having a rough time." Caleb was watching Sandy carefully. "Do you want me to take care of that for you?"

Sandy stared at him. Caleb finally walked over and took the gun from him, skillfully opening it and expelling the single bullet from the chamber.

"Where is he?" Caleb asked.

"Kirsten took him to the hospital. She found him here with a bottle of whiskey and that."

Caleb nodded after a beat. "He's okay?"

"He didn't…"

"Okay. Come on, go get changed. I'll drive you."

Sandy glanced at him again.

"Go get changed. Kiki needs you. Ryan needs you. I'll take care of this," Caleb said, nodding to the gun again. Sandy nodded. He went to get changed.

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Ryan was sleeping soundly in the hospital room when Sandy and Caleb arrived. Kirsten was beside his bed, watching over him with red-rimmed eyes.

"Kirsten…" Sandy enfolded her into his arms and she started to cry anew.

"Why don't you guys go get some air? The boy's sleeping. I'll stay with him," Caleb said.

"Dad…"

"Go on. You guys need to talk. I'll come find you if he wakes up," Caleb added.

"Thank you, Caleb," Sandy said, leading Kirsten from the room.

Caleb sat down in the seat his daughter had vacated and looked at the boy in front of him. Dr. Tarleton had given him a harsh lecture about his treatment of the foster kid several weeks earlier and Caleb had kept his distance.

Ryan had never really done anything to make Caleb dislike him. He was polite and humble and always showed Caleb respect.

But he was a delinquent. Sandford had brought him home from jail and just let him move into their house. Seth was spending his time with a criminal. Caleb hadn't trusted him.

He hated being wrong.

But the past few weeks, he'd seen how much Kiki and Seth really loved Ryan. How much they needed him. Caleb had spent a lot of time with Seth lately, trying to get his grandson's mind off Ryan's sickness. And Seth considered Ryan a brother.

It was time Caleb accepted Ryan as a grandson. If he made it through this, Ryan was going to be a part of his family for a while to come.

Caleb picked up the book beside Ryan's bed and started flipping through it.

"What are you doing here?" Ryan's hoarse voice asked, startling him.

"I'm sitting with you while Kirsten and Sandy go get some coffee. They'll be back soon."

Ryan's blue eyes were disbelieving but he gave him a nod. He shivered.

"Are you cold?" Caleb asked.

"I'm fine. You don't have to stay. I'll be fine by myself," Ryan said.

Caleb knew that it would take a lot to undo the damage he'd already done to Ryan by his cold treatment of the teenager but he had to try. He got up and retrieved a blanket from the couch and spread it across him.

Ryan's eyes followed his movements.

"I haven't been that nice to you in the past. And you'll probably take my kindness now as a sign of pity, but it's not. You're important to my family," Caleb started. "You're Kiki's second son, you're Seth's brother and you're too important to them for me to just ignore anymore. I'm sorry. If you tell anyone I apologized, I'll deny it, but I am sorry. Truce?" Caleb held out his hand. He'd seen a sign of a smile in his dull eyes when he'd warned him about his apology, but this was the telling sign.

Ryan studied Caleb's offered hand suspiciously. His eyes were flashing with unspoken emotion but he didn't speak.

Just as Caleb started to lower his hand, Ryan reached over and shook it with more strength than Caleb expected. "Truce."

"Thank you."

Ryan shifted in bed and Caleb recognized a flash of pain on his face.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing…"

"Ryan…"

"Can you help me to the bathroom?" Ryan said before Caleb could push him. "I'm going to be sick…"

"Sure…" Caleb wasn't sure what to do but Ryan simply gripped his arm for support as he shuffled toward the bathroom. "Do you need…"

"No. I'll be out in a minute," Ryan said, closing the door. Caleb saw that he was supporting himself with the sink before the door closed.

Caleb winced at the sound of Ryan heaving.

"Where is he?" Kirsten asked, returning with Sandy, looking steadier.

"Sick…"

"Not again…" She pushed past Caleb and entered the bathroom.

"He's dehydrated again. He's been sick since they brought him in. Dr. Tarleton said that the alcohol probably didn't have time to even affect him because he's been throwing up the whole time…" Sandy told Caleb.

"Has he said anything about…"

"He just keeps apologizing. Says it was a mistake, that he was just…thinking. He won't tell Kirsten where he got the gun from," Sandy said quietly. "They're getting a counselor to talk to him."

"Is he going to talk to a counselor?"

"He's…he has to. I won't let him die. Not like that. Not without fighting…"

"He is fighting, Sandy. Is he getting better?"

"That's the thing…he is. Dr. Tarleton says his tests are exemplary, there's no sign of the malignancy anymore and even though his platelets are low, they were much better than his last tests. He's just so weak and tired…he doesn't believe that he's making any progress."

"But he is getting better?"

"Yes. Dr. Tarleton explained that to him yesterday and again last night…but if he doesn't feel better then…" Sandy muttered. He stopped speaking as the door opened.

"Sandy, can you help me?" Kirsten called. She was holding Ryan by the arm but she couldn't support him and his strength had given out. Sandy immediately put his arm around Ryan's waist and helped him walk back to the bed.

"Thanks…" Ryan rasped as he sat down.

"Lie down, honey…you have to rest…Dr. Tarleton's coming with something to help you rest…" Kirsten said.

"I…" Ryan started.

"Close your eyes and take deep breaths…" Kirsten whispered. He finally closed his eyes. Within moments, his breathing relaxed and he was asleep.

"He's so upset…I don't know what to do…" Kirsten said.

"You're doing all you can…he needs us to support him…" Sandy said gently, putting his arm around her. "Do you need a break?"

"I'm not leaving him. You didn't see him last night…he's so scared…nothing I say is getting through to him…nothing Dr. Tarleton says…"

"Speak of the devil," Caleb smiled as the doctor stepped in.

"How's he holding up?"

"Sick again," Sandy replied.

"I'll increase his compazine. Can I have some time with him?" The doctor asked.

"He's sleeping…" Kirsten protested.

"Kirsten. Let's go call Seth, he's worried sick. We'll come back and make sure he's intact," Sandy said, urging her toward the door. Caleb joined them.


	11. Eleven

AN:  Here's a new chapter.  Sorry if it formats incorrectly, I can't maneuver the new upgraded FFnet.  I miss the Quick/Edit preview and no matter what the main page says, I can't find it.  If anyone has any advice, please let me know. 

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"I wasn't going to kill myself," Ryan said hoarsely. Kirsten and Sandy were sitting by his bed.

"Ryan…"

"Let me explain," Ryan said, clearly steadying himself. "Someone…they gave me the gun. They said I should fight until I couldn't fight anymore…but that when it was time…I could stop suffering…so…I had it and it…it scared the hell out of me…everyone _says_ I'm getting better, but they _look at me_ like I'm already dead…I drank the whiskey because…just because I thought it would make me not feel sick for a little while…"

"You have to talk to us, Ryan," Kirsten said.

"You're both so tired…" Ryan whispered.

Sandy took Ryan's hand. "You know you can't do this by yourself."

"I trust you…but this is so hard and…I didn't mean to scare you, I didn't mean for you to see…I wouldn't…I wouldn't do it in your house…" Ryan continued.

"Stop it," Kirsten scolded. "Promise me you won't give up…"

"I promise…" Ryan whispered.

"Who gave you the gun?" Sandy asked gently, not wanting to upset Ryan further.

"I…I don't want to tell you…I won't see them anymore," Ryan said.

"Why not?" Sandy asked, confused.

"Teresa?" Kirsten offered.

"No, no, not Teresa…she'd kick my ass…" Ryan protested.

"Ryan…we need to know," Sandy urged.

"She…she didn't mean any harm…"

"Who?" Sandy pressed, ignoring Kirsten's worried glare.

"Teresa's mother," Ryan confessed, flushed with guilt. "Her father and her first husband died and they…they suffered…she was only trying…"

"Stop it," Sandy sighed. "That's done. You need to rest. The alcohol's all out of your system, Dr. Tarleton's starting an IV of saline and increasing your compazine. He's also giving you something for your pain so you can rest."

"You're just going to put me to sleep?" Ryan asked.

Before they could answer, Ryan said, "Thanks."

"I'm going to stay with you. You're coming home first thing in the morning," Sandy said.

"What'd you tell Seth?" Ryan asked.

"You're dehydrated. Don't worry."

"Thanks. I'm sorry I freaked out…" Ryan said.

"No more drinking and no more freaking out without telling us," Kirsten whispered, kissing his forehead.

"Okay," Ryan smiled. Dr. Tarleton entered with Ryan's medicine as she exited.

"I'll turn the lights off as soon as you're settled," Sandy said as Dr. Tarleton injected several syringes into Ryan's IV.

"Thanks," Ryan said.

"I'll be back to check on you." Dr. Tarleton held up a pill. "Remember what we talked about?"

Ryan nodded and accepted the pill into his hand and swallowed it before turning to Sandy. "Antidepressants are added to the daily meds."

"You agreed to that?" Sandy asked, surprised.

"Whatever helps," Ryan replied. Dr. Tarleton left them alone.

"Ryan…"

"I didn't mean it. I didn't, Sandy. Not like you think…"

"You've been really sick these past few weeks, Ryan. But you're not dead. You're not dying."

"I…I know. It just sucks feeling like shit every day, feeling worse every day and having the doctors tell me I'm getting better when…I just feel worse."

"You're doing so well, Ryan. You're healing, you just have to believe it."

"I want to finish the chemo. I can't see past it…I only have four more sessions and I'm finished…but this fever…and my little crack-up is going to put that off and…I need to get it finished, Sandy. I need to finish it…" Ryan said urgently.

"Ryan. I know you're stretched to your limit, but I need you to take a step back for a minute and listen to me." Sandy kept his voice even and gentle. He needed Ryan to snap out of his self-pity and listen.

Ryan nodded.

"Dr. Tarleton's prognosis has changed. He originally thought that you'd need the full series of chemo that he explained, but he thinks now that you don't need it. He thinks it's done its job. Ryan, are you listening?"

"How could he be so wrong? Are you sure?"

"He's compensating for the changes in your system. This is a good thing. A great thing. It's going to take a while for you to get back to 100 but…the chemo's over."

"Over," Ryan repeated blankly.

Sandy studied Ryan's face carefully. He could see the disbelief and the fear and the confusion flashing on his face. Finally, Ryan met his gaze and held out his hand. Sandy shook it, holding it and lowering their hands to the bed.

"That…that's cool. He's a good doctor…if you believe him…then I believe him."

"Trust, Ryan. That's all you need to do…"

Ryan nodded. "Okay."

"Good. Now get some sleep."

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Ryan slept all the way home the next day and Sandy hated to wake him but he had to put him to bed. Sandy woke him and helped him inside. Ryan was still weak and without something to lean on, couldn't walk unaided.

"What took you guys so long?" Seth asked, clearly relieved to see Ryan. "You all better?"

"Not all better. But a little better," Ryan smiled.

"Cool. Anna's here, you want to go to your room?" Seth put his arm around Ryan's waist and helped him to the bedroom.

"Thanks," Ryan said as Seth released him on the bed.

"Hey, there. How're you feeling?" Anna smiled.

"Better actually," Ryan accepted her hug.

"That's good. Great, man," Seth smiled.

"I…I need to talk to you guys…I want to get changed first, though…"

"We'll be right here," Seth responded, his smile fading into worry.

Ryan went to the bathroom. One of the good things about the bigger bed was he could support himself on the edge around the room. Once he was in the bathroom, he took a quick shower and got dressed before his strength waned. He rejoined Seth and Anna. He sat down on the edge of the bed beside Anna, facing Seth who was in the chair. "Better," He said.

"So, what's up?" Seth asked.

"I…I probably shouldn't tell you guys this…but I sort of feel like I need to. You guys have done a lot for me and I owe you an explanation."

"Are you okay, man?" Seth was concerned.

"I'm…I'm going to get better…but I freaked out. I scared Kirsten, I scared myself and…"

"What are you talking about?" Anna asked, confused.

"Okay. I'll start at the beginning. I've been pretty stressed out. With the fever and Trey and…and all of this…" Ryan took a deep breath. "So…someone came and visited me and…she freaked me out even more. She gave me this…gun…in case I didn't get better…"

"Dude…" Seth whispered.

"And…I didn't…I wasn't going to do anything but…I tried to get drunk and I was looking at it…I was just holding it and…"

"That's why Mom took you…" Seth realized.

"Ryan…why would you even keep it?" Anna asked quietly.

"I…I don't know. I was just…freaked…"

"But…" Anna urged.

"I'm sorry. I…I wasn't going to use it, I'm getting better. Dr. Tarleton says I'm going to be okay…so the whole thing seems so stupid…"

Anna leaned over and embraced him tightly.

"Dude…you know that you're, like, never going to be left alone now, right?" Seth asked seriously.

"I'm fine, Seth," Ryan said.

"I need to talk to Mom…" Seth left abruptly.

Anna was still holding him tightly.

"Anna, I'm sorry."

"You should be. For even considering. For not telling that person to shove their gun up their ass because you didn't need it. You should be sorry…"

"I know. I just had a little…crisis of faith."

"But you're over it?" She released him so she could look at his face.

"Yes. I'm over it."

"Good," She nodded.

"You think Seth's okay?" Ryan asked.

"I'm glad you told us. So we can help."

"Thanks," Ryan smiled sadly.

Seth returned with a tray of soup and rice. "Breakfast."

"Seth…I'm sorry," Ryan said.

"You're going to be okay. I'll let it slide…for now," Seth said. He pointed his finger at Ryan. "But if you ever do anything like that again, I won't be responsible for what happens to you if you even consider something like that again, okay?"

Ryan smiled. "Okay, Seth."

"Good. Now, I have to go pick up Summer and then I'll be back."

"Thanks, man. If you and Summer want some time…" Ryan started.

"You've been away for, like, two days. Or something. We're hanging here. Anna, keep watch," Seth said. Anna gave him a mock salute.

Anna urged Ryan to lie down in the middle of the bed and she stretched out beside him. She set the tray on his lap and watched him as he ate.

"I didn't mean to scare you."

"Well, you did," Anna replied honestly.

He glanced at her with his deep blue eyes and she shivered despite herself. "Sorry."

"Stop apologizing," She said, putting an arm around him. "You've had a harsh few weeks." She lowered her voice. "I didn't know that you were so…"

"Freaked out? Scared out of my mind? Yeah. I tried to hide that…" Ryan sighed.

"You don't have to hide that from me," She said. She was surprised when he pulled her into a gentle hug, clinging to her.

"I know…" He said. "I'm just so tired of everyone worrying about me…"

"Then don't worry about it. Worry about yourself. We can take care of ourselves…" She replied, rubbing his back.

She knew it was coming. She'd been trying to fight it. But they both needed something right now. She couldn't lose him. And he needed her. They'd still be friends.

She kissed him softly on the lips. He hesitated a moment before responding. He kissed her back and it was like everything clicked. He moved his hands to her face and she put her hand on the back of his head, keeping him connected.

He turned his face away suddenly and buried his face into her shoulder.

"I'm sorry…I was supposed to wait until you were better…" She apologized, still out of breath from his kisses.

"I'm sorry, too…it's not a really good time for me to be…"

"Be what? To let someone care about you? To let yourself be normal?" She whispered. She was pleased that he kept his arms around her. He was trembling, but he wasn't letting go.

"I'm…I'm pretty messed up right now, Anna…I don't know if this is a good idea…" He murmured.

"Ryan…we're friends. We will always be friends…I'd like…I'd like to be more with you…if you…"

"I would, too…but now? I can't even walk you to your car when you leave…"

"I don't care," She whispered, rubbing his back. "I like being the strong one…"

He laughed. She was holding him, now. She didn't want to look in his blue eyes and see his emotion. She wanted to hold him.

"You scared me, Ryan. Telling us about the gun…that took a lot out of you, I know…and I was going to wait until you were better, until you had more choices and you were well again…but…if I didn't tell you and something happened…I'd never forgive myself."

He pulled away and made her look at him. "More choices?"

"You know what I mean. Marissa or any of those little freshmen that swoon when you walk by…choices…" She said.

He ran his finger down her cheekbone. "I don't need any other choices. God, you're the smartest girl I know, and you're into me? That's…it's surreal."

"Well, you're the hottest guy I know and…"

"And I'm into you…" He murmured, kissing her. "I'm not exactly 'hot' anymore, am I?"

"You're a little thin, but that's going to change…" She said, between kisses. Now that they'd started, she didn't know if she could stop. "I'm just taking advantage of your vulnerability, you know…"

He laughed.

They could hear Sandy and Kirsten talking from the other room and they separated. The door to the room was open and inviting. They had to stop.

"Can we take it slow?" Ryan asked, lacing his fingers with hers.

"Slow?"

"Yeah. I mean, I…I'm not exactly inexperienced, but…"

"You're a big slut, right?" Anna teased.

He smiled, more relaxed than she'd seen him in days. "Well, I guess you could put it like that. But I haven't really ever had…a girl that I really liked. That I was willing to try and…have a relationship with…"

"You want a relationship?" She asked.

"Well…yeah. A real one. You?" He questioned.

"Yeah," She smiled. "We'll take it slow."

They were silent.

"So…how do we do that?" Anna asked.

"I guess…maybe a date?" Ryan suggested.

"A date. That'd be nice. It's not like I don't see you every day already…"

"That should eradicate the first date jitters, then, right?" He grinned.

"Yeah. It should."

"I don't know when, but…"

"What about now?" She asked.

"What? Summer and Seth…"

"Double date."

He raised an eyebrow. "You want to tell them that we're 'dating'?" He asked.

"True. We'd never hear the end of it."

"How about…when we go to school on Monday, how about we hang out afterwards?"

"We do that anyway."

"But…officially…between us…we could date afterwards," Ryan said.

"That sounds nice. It's a date," She said. She leaned over to give him a kiss but Seth and Summer bounded into the room.

"What's up, guys?" Seth asked, bouncing on the bed, oblivious to his interruption.

"Nothing," Ryan and Anna said in unison.

"So, we took the opportunity to rent some DVDs. What are you in the mood for? Horror? Comedy? Action? Romance?" Summer asked, dumping a stack of DVDs on the bed.

Anna laughed. Ryan yawned despite himself. "Your pick."

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Sandy and Kirsten stopped outside Ryan's room and glanced inside. Ryan was asleep under the covers in the center of the bed. Anna was sitting on one side while Seth and Summer were curled up together on the opposite side. Seth, Summer and Anna were watching the TV with rapt attention.

"Maybe you guys should let Ryan get some rest?" Kirsten asked quietly.

"He is resting. He's fine. Come on, Mom," Seth pleaded. "We aren't bothering him."

"Okay. He needs his rest, though," Kirsten said.

"I don't think Ryan minds, Kirsten," Sandy said as they walked into the kitchen.

"I know. He's just had such a rough couple of days…I don't want them to upset him."

"They're probably just what he needs right now," Sandy replied.

"You think he's going to be okay?"

"Yeah. I do. The gun…it scared him as much as it scared us," Sandy replied quietly.

"He told Seth. And Anna, I think. Seth came out and told me."

"He told them?" Sandy was clearly surprised.

"Yeah. Seth was pretty shaken, but he calmed down once I talked to him. I told him that Ryan was getting better and he just needed support. I don't think Seth realized how scared Ryan really is," Kirsten replied.

"I don't think any of us did. But he's going to be okay," Sandy replied.

Kirsten searched his face. "You really think so?"

"Yes, I do. He seems better. Even though he's sleeping, he seems better now. After our talk at the hospital today, I think he really regrets the whole…gun thing."

"I hope so. He was just shaking and staring…it was so scary, Sandy…" Kirsten said.

Seth and Summer entered the kitchen.

"We crave sustenance. Any snacks?" Seth said.

"Did Ryan eat?" Kirsten asked.

"Earlier. Anna fed him. He ate most of the soup and a little of the rice. He said if he has to eat any more rice he'll start speaking Chinese," Seth said.

"He was so cute trying to work the chopsticks," Summer added.

"We're taking snacks. If he wakes up, we'll feed him. God, it's like we're talking about a baby or something, he'd hate this," Seth muttered.

"Well, when he's over this, we'll lighten up on the babying," Kirsten said.

"Thanks, mom," Seth said, passing juice bottles and snacks to Summer. They made their retreat with the food.

Summer and Seth froze outside the bedroom. Anna and Ryan were talking quietly and they were holding hands. Seth gave Summer a knowing glance and a grin before stepping in.

"We're back, kids. Mom and Dad said to feed you if you were awake," Seth said, pretending not to notice the way Anna and Ryan separated immediately.

"Give me a few minutes and I'll be asleep again," Ryan grumbled.

"Too late, Chino. Do we need to spoon-feed you?" Summer teased. Anna and Seth laughed at his stricken expression.

"Juice?" Anna held open a bottle of juice for him. He accepted it, draining it quickly.

"Damn, man, you thirsty?"

"Always. I'm going to go talk to Sandy and Kirsten for a minute. I'll be back," Ryan said. Anna stood up and started to steady him, but he stood up on his own and gave her a smile before making his way into the hallway.

"Anna Stern, you're holding out on me…" Summer hissed as soon as Ryan was gone.

"What?" She asked, confused.

"You and Ryan, all cuddly, holding hands and being all sweet…spill!" Summer urged.

"We're…"

"If you say you're just friends, warn us so the lightning won't strike us all," Seth warned.

Anna sighed. "We…we're taking it slow…"

"Taking 'what' slow?" Summer pushed.

"Us. We're…we're going to try…dating."

"You do know that Chino…he's like a…" Summer ignored Seth's warning look. "He's a big slut."

"I know," Anna smiled. "That's why we're going slow."

"Slow?"

"His idea. He's sick, guys. Let us alone," Anna said. "He doesn't want to make a big deal out of this…"

"Okay. We won't mention it to him. But I want to know everything from you," Summer said seriously.

Ryan walked into the kitchen.

"Hey, kid. How're you feeling?" Sandy asked.

"Okay. Better. I can't wait until people stop asking me that," Ryan admitted, sitting down.

"Sorry," Sandy smiled.

"It's cool. So…I wanted to talk to you guys. I think…I think I need to start snapping out of this funk."

"What did you have in mind?" Kirsten asked, confused.

"Can I go to school on Monday?" Ryan asked.

"Half-days," Sandy stated.

"At first. I know that even though I'm not currently slated for any more chemo…I'm still not back at full speed."

"We'll talk about it on Sunday. See how you feel," Kirsten agreed.

"And I'd like to start exercising…a little…like, walking or whatever. I just can't veg out in bed, my body will be crap by the time I'm healthy again. Whatever Dr. Tarleton clears for me to do…"

"Your coach has already offered to help with that. We can probably arrange something," Sandy nodded.

"There's something else. It costs money…" Ryan said timidly.

"What is it, Ryan?" Kirsten asked.

"Well…Dr. Tarleton thinks I should see a therapist. A shrink. He says I have…trust issues. He says it might help me get better if I talk to someone…outside the family."

"Oh. That's…are you sure? I mean, we're not pushing you," Sandy said, surprised. He and Kirsten had discussed broaching the subject with Ryan in the past but decided that he was be against it so they never mentioned it.

"I know. But it might help…like, with the dreams and with the whole…with my issues. It might help me get better," Ryan said quietly.

"We'll set something up. It's a good idea," Sandy said, giving him a reassuring smile. "It won't hurt…"

"God, I hope not," Ryan snorted.

"Ryan…I think it's a great idea. To talk to someone who is unbiased and nonjudgmental. And…it's your decision," Kirsten said.

"It is." He gave them a shy smile and lowered his voice. "Anna…she wants to go out…I've never had a girl like her be into me before…I'd like to be a stable, healthy guy for her. Not sick, not violent…just…worthy, you know?"

"Worthy? You…" Sandy started.

"Sorry. Slip," Ryan apologized, clearly not wanting Sandy to dissect his wording.

"Good luck, Ryan. We'll make some calls about that," Kirsten smiled.

"I better get back. Seth has snacks."


	12. Twelve

Seth took Summer home. Anna had fallen asleep beside Ryan, her arms wrapped around his blankets. Kirsten covered her with a blanket and propped the door open.

Ryan started to mumble in his sleep and woke Anna. She tried to calm him but he started to thrash.

"Ryan…Ryan, wake up…" She said, trying to hold him still.

"Anna?" Sandy appeared in his robe.

"I can't wake him…" Anna said, panicked.

"I got him…" Sandy took over, holding him down. "Try to wake him."

"Ryan…Ryan, wake up…wake up…"

Ryan finally relaxed against the bed with a disgruntled sigh.

"Ryan?" Anna called.

"Sleepy…" He replied.

Sandy released him, winching at the already developing bruised on Ryan's shoulders from his hands.

"Mr. Cohen…can I stay?" Anna asked.

"Leave the door open. Kirsten already called your parents and told them you fell asleep. Call them first thing, okay?"

"Thank you," Anna said, surprised.

"You're a good friend. Kirsten and me…we trust you. And even better, Ryan trusts you." Sandy stood up. "Call us if you need us."

"I will…" She promised. Sandy left and she took one of Ryan's hands and got under the covers with him.

He mumbled but pulled her close, nuzzling his face against hers. "Anna?"

"Shh…sleep…" She smiled.

"Hmm…" He murmured. "Okay…"

"Just sleep…"

"Stay?"

"Yes…sleep now." She pulled him close. She didn't want to lose him.

When Seth got home around 2 am after leaving Summer's, he saw Ryan's door open and went inside.

"Hey," Anna said. She had her arms wrapped around Ryan but he was still shivering.

"What's up? How's Ry?"

"Restless. Your dad said I could stay…"

"It's cool," Seth said, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"Does he always have bad dreams?"

"Only when he's really tired. How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine." She glanced at Ryan. "He's better now. I think I'll sleep."

"Why don't you change? You're wearing jeans. Ryan has tons of wife beaters and sweatpants…"

Anna gave Ryan a quick glance.

"I'll stay with him. Go," Seth smiled.

Anna got up and quickly searched through the drawers to find suitable pajamas. She went into the bathroom and changed.

Ryan was peaceful when she returned.

"Night, Anna. I'll see you in the morning," Seth said.

"'Night, Seth."

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Ryan woke up with the need to vomit. He disentangled himself from Anna's arms and stumbled to the bathroom.

He cursed himself as all the food from the night before revolted. He couldn't stop the heaves even as his stomach was empty. It was like his body was turning against him.

"Ryan?" Kirsten came to his side, worried. "Oh, honey…"

"Sick…" He managed between heaves.

"Breathe…deep breaths, come on…"

He realized that his breathing was labored so he forced himself to breathe, relaxing against Kirsten's steadying hands.

"That's it…" She encouraged.

The nausea swept over him again and he leaned forward, sick.

"Ryan…get it out…just breathe…"

"No…Chemo…Why am I sick?" He panted.

"It takes time…Can you lean back?"

He was on his knees but he slowly leaned back and rested in the crook of her arm.

"Better?"

"I'm never going to gain weight like this," Ryan sighed.

"Patience. You'll be good as new in no time."

He was sick again and she rubbed his back but he was shaking with chills now. He'd broken out in a sweat.

"Ryan…should I call the doctor?"

"Not yet…I think it'll pass…can you get me some tea or ginger ale? Maybe I need to put something on my stomach…"

"Okay, honey." She stood up.

"And…I don't want Anna to see me like this…"

"I'll take care of it."

"Thanks…" He said, leaning against the wall now.

Kirsten closed the door as she stepped out. Anna was sitting up. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Could you start the coffee? And some tea?"

"Sure." Anna held out a blanket. "He gets so cold…"

"Thank you. We'll be out in a few minutes," Kirsten said.

Anna left and Kirsten returned to the bathroom, draping the blanket around him.

"Thanks…" Ryan's body was trembling now but his eyes were clear. "It's not so bad, Kirsten…"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah…the sickness is the same but it's…its not so bad…"

"I'm glad. I hope it gets easier," Kirsten said.

"It will…" Ryan said quietly.

"Anna's making the tea."

"Thanks. I think I'm okay now…I'll come sit on the couch."

"Are you sure?" She asked.

He nodded. "Yeah…I should be social."

"Okay. Let's go…" Kirsten helped him stand but Ryan walked unaided into the bedroom. He pulled on a sweatshirt before following Kirsten into the den.

He sat down on the couch. Anna walked in with a tray of tea and crackers.

"Thanks," Ryan said.

"You okay?" She asked. Kirsten gave them privacy.

"Yeah. You stayed the night."

"Yeah," She smiled. "You're a deep sleeper."

"Did I talk?" He asked shyly.

"You tossed and turned. Not much talking…"

He took a sip of the steaming tea with a shaking hand. "You should call your parents."

"You kicking me out?" She asked.

"No…" He tried to explain himself. "I don't want you to be here for all…this. I want you fresh and upbeat and happy to see me, not worn out from watching me all night…"

"So…you _are_ asking me to leave…" She rephrased, confused.

"Anna. Listen." He took her hand. "I love having you around. But there's some things you can't help me with. I don't want you to get sucked into taking care of me…I want you to see me when I'm…better."

"I'm…I don't think I'm getting it. I'm here to help you…"

"I want you to be here to _be_ with me. To hang out. Not babysit," Ryan said.

She stood up, hurt flashing on her face. "Okay. I'll call you…"

Ryan sighed, cursing under his breath.

Kirsten stepped in. "Anna gone?"

"Yeah."

"Everything…okay?" She asked tentatively.

"Yeah. The tea helps," Ryan replied, dodging her intended question.

"You need anything?"

"I'm fine." He reached over and picked up his book and settled onto the couch.

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Kirsten took Ryan to school on Monday. He was quiet, but steady. Anna had called a couple of times, but he hadn't seen her in person since she left on Saturday.

"You have therapy at four," Kirsten reminded him outside Harbor. She was clearly nervous to leave him.

"Seth's taking me home around noon," Ryan said.

"Okay. Call us if you need us?"

"I will," He agreed. He got out of the car and found Seth and Summer waiting for him by the front steps.

"Welcome back," Summer grinned.

"Thanks. How behind am I?" Ryan asked.

"You want me to lie?" Seth laughed.

"No. We better go in."

"Anna's out today," Summer said quietly as they slowly made their way up the stairs.

"Is she okay?" Ryan asked, trying to hide his concern.

"She has a cold, she said. She didn't want you to catch it," Summer added.

"So…why didn't she just skip the class we have together?" Ryan questioned.

Summer hesitated.

"She doesn't want to see me," Ryan stated.

Seth was glancing between them.

"She's…confused," Summer whispered.

"It's fine," Ryan said, turning to them at the top of the stairs. "Will you give her a message for me, Summer?"

She nodded. "Sure."

"Let her know that I'm fine and that I won't bother her for a while."

"Dude…" Seth started.

"I'm fine, Seth. I feel better today than I have in weeks. Don't worry…"

"Okay. Just…just don't get too down, okay?" Seth warned.

"I'm copasetic, Seth."

Chip and Luke approached and immediately took Ryan inside, chattering animatedly. Ryan gave Seth and Summer a wave.

"This sucks," Seth said.

"Yeah. But he seems okay. We're not supposed to know about the whole dating thing anyway. He'll be okay," Summer replied, giving him a kiss. "Relax."

Ryan was sitting at his desk and the majority of the soccer team was surrounding him. The morning bell hadn't officially rang yet and they were filling him in on the reaming they took from the coach the day before at practice and the party they had afterwards.

"Man, you could always talk the coach out of extra laps, we really miss you out there," Luke said.

"Well, maybe I'll be back next year. My chemo's done so now I just have to start getting back to normal," Ryan admitted.

"That's awesome," Chip smiled, as the jocks erupted in congratulations.

"Yeah…the coach says I can start coming to practice, I can't really participate or anything, but my doctor's coming up with some easy things I can start doing to get back to 100."

"That's great, man, we'll help you, you can be our little short mascot dude," Chip teased. Ryan gave him the finger.

"What the hell is going on in here?" Mr. Anderson startled them all as the bell rang.

"Shit…later, Chino…" Luke and his friends bolted, fearing the professor's wrath.

"Ryan, you aren't supposed to be with a lot of people, the germs…"

"I think I'll be okay. I'm not in a bubble yet, Mr. Anderson," Ryan smiled.

"Well, you have to be careful. It's good to have you back," The teacher said.

"Here's what I got done from the assignments…" Ryan held out a notebook.

"Oh. Thanks. I'll take a look at it before the end of the day," He said, surprised.

The few kids in the class filtered in and Seth took his seat beside him.

Mr. Anderson started class. He gave them a pop quiz and then let them take the rest of the period to work on their project.

Ryan turned to Seth. "Project?"

Larry and I are taking care of it," Seth said.

"Larry? He's not even here."

"He's here in spirit, though, he's researching while he's on the road, he emails us everything…your mailbox is probably overflowing, dude," Seth explained.

"Oh. I should check that."

"I'm on graphics, he's on research and your job is to present," Seth explained.

"What? I hate presenting," Ryan protested.

"Ah, yes, but you don't have to do anything but memorize, it's a sweet deal, Ryan, admit it."

"Yeah…thanks," Ryan said. "Are you even getting credit for this?"

"Actually, yes. I don't have to go to my other chemistry class…this is like rapid fire chemistry," Seth replied.

The rest of the day passed quickly, Seth took him home around noon and Ryan was surprised to find the house empty except for Rosa.

He settled on the bed and worked on his homework. He finished the math first, calculus was his best subject. The essays took the most time and he fell asleep with only one chemistry question left.

Kirsten woke him at 3:30. The therapist's office was empty when they arrived. Kirsten worked on her laptop while he was in the office.

He walked out with a stricken expression on his face.

"Ryan? You okay?" She asked.

"Yeah." He gave her a weak smile. "Can we go home? I have to come back on Thursday."

"Sure…" She put an arm around him. "You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah…she's hard core, though. You'll have to meet her," Ryan said. He was quiet all the way home.

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Ryan fell asleep on the couch. He was oddly content with Sandy, Seth and Kirsten watching TV around him.

"How was school, Seth?" Sandy asked.

"Cool. Ryan seemed to have a good day. I got a 94 on my history test…"

"And you said you were going to fail, good job, Seth," Kirsten smiled.

"Thanks. How was Ryan's therapy?" Seth asked.

"He didn't want to talk about it," Kirsten replied.

"When does he have to go back?"

"Thursday," She answered.

"Maybe I should take him. He's supposed to hang out with the soccer team after school. Exercise," Seth suggested.

"Oh." Sandy said.

"The coach talked to his doctor today. And I know you have lots of work to do. It'll be good for him to have a little independence," Seth said.

"Did he ask you to talk to us?" Kirsten smiled.

"Not in so many words, but…" Seth muttered.

"Ask us tomorrow night," Sandy said.

They let Ryan sleep and when he woke up, Seth was watching TV beside him.

"Hey."

"Hey. You had a long nap," Seth said.

"What time is it?"

"About 8."

"Still early. I'm going to eat something," Ryan said.

Seth was surprised. "I could use a snack."

"Come on," Ryan said, leading the way into the kitchen.

"So…you're hungry?" Seth asked, confused.

Ryan paused. "Actually…I think so. Wow."

"That's awesome, dude," Seth smiled widely.

Ryan picked up an apple and sat down to eat it. "So. Did I miss anything?"

"Nope. I mean besides your list of messages," Seth said, pulling a crumpled not from his pocket. "2 calls from Anna, one from Trey, one from Teresa, Luke, Chip and Larry…"

"Where's Larry?"

"Houston," Seth replied.

"He leave a number?" Ryan asked.

Seth handed him the note.

"Thanks, man." Ryan read the note, amused.

_Anna-Sorry--will call again.   
__Trey-collect--doesn't believe you're asleep.   
__Teresa--sounds hot.   
__Anna--Still sorry. Will email later.   
__Larry--__Houston__ kicks ass. G-friend is a punk.   
__Luke & Chip--Stupidasses. On for tomorrow._

"You're like an answering machine," Ryan laughed.

"It was either me or mom."

"Thanks."

Seth watched him. "So…you feel good?"

"Yeah. You want to run some games?"

"Hell yes," Seth smiled. Seth was pleased that Ryan was making an effort to get back to normal. His color seemed better and despite his sleep, he seemed much more upbeat and energetic than usual.

Ryan and Seth were still playing video games when Sandy came in later.

"Hey guys," Sandy greeted them.

"Hey, Sandy," Ryan nodded, focused on the game.

"It's getting kind of late," Sandy said.

"Shit, it's after 12…" Seth realized.

"Sorry. We'll go to bed," Ryan yawned.

"You both have school tomorrow…" Sandy agreed.

They both left to go to their rooms, Sandy followed Ryan.

"Did you take your meds?"

"Yep. I have a schedule," Ryan said.

"Do you need anything?"

Ryan smiled. "No. I'm good. Thanks."

"Okay. We're right down the hall."

"I know," Ryan said, sitting down.

Sandy turned to leave.

"Thanks, Sandy. Today was a good day. I'll see you tomorrow."

Sandy was pleased and gave Ryan a smile as he left.

Ryan was asleep within minutes.


	13. Thirteen

Seth drove Ryan to school the next morning.

"I didn't call Anna. Or check my email," Ryan said suddenly, flushed.

"That's not good…what's up with you two?" Seth asked.

"Like she didn't already tell you and Summer…" Ryan snorted.

"Okay, whatever…" Seth laughed.

"Nothing's going on. We…discussed dating…we want to be more than friends…but I messed up."

"What'd you do?" Seth asked.

"I told her that I didn't want her to feel like she had to take care of me…I just wanted her to hang out. I didn't explain it well and…she got upset," Ryan confessed.

"She was helping you before…" Seth said.

"But she stayed all night, Seth. Listening to me have nightmares, hearing me throw up…I want her to be my friend, not my nurse…"

"Oh." Seth started to see his dilemma.

"I didn't mean to…push her away. But I'm so much better now, it's just the mornings and the nights that I'm still sick…I don't want her to see that. I don't like anyone seeing that," Ryan admitted.

"I know, man…"

"But I shouldn't have said anything," Ryan sighed. "I'm better at this when I don't talk."

"Dude…she said she was sorry last night when she called, maybe she thought about it and…"

"Ah, but I didn't call her back. So even if she was sorry about getting upset, I'm the one that has to be sorry now because I forgot to call her," Ryan announced.

"You're putting way too much thought into this," Seth teased.

"I know. You think she'll be at school today?" Ryan asked.

"If not, you damned well better call her," Seth replied.

"Yeah."

"So. You're going to start working out again today, I hear," Seth said.

"Working out? No, dude, I'm going to walk a total of one lap around the field. It's all Dr. Tarleton wants me to do. Next week, I might get to do two laps," He said sarcastically.

"Well, you wouldn't know it to hear it from Luke. I think you're going to be in for a big surprise when you get out there, him and Chip are like little schoolgirls at an NSync concert, they're almost giddy."

"That's weird, man," Ryan laughed. Seth pulled up to the front steps and stopped to let Ryan out.

"I'll be back after I park the car," Seth said as Ryan got out. Ryan sat down on the bottom step to wait.

"Hey," Anna said, approaching.

"Hey. Sorry I didn't call you back last night…"

"Did you get my email?"

"Um, no. I fell asleep. Well, actually, I played games with Seth and then I fell asleep. I'm really sorry," Ryan admitted. She sat down beside him.

"I…"

"Wait, do you have a cold? Because Seth said anyone with a cold has to stand back 20 feet," Summer stepped between them.

"No, Summer," Anna smiled. "I'm not sick."

"Ah. Okay. Continue," Summer sat down a few steps above them. Ryan and Anna stared at her. "What?"

"Summer," Anna sighed. "Privacy?"

"Oh. Sorry," Summer laughed, standing up and walking a safe distance.

"So. I was thinking that…maybe we should slow it down a little more," Ryan said quietly.

"What?" Anna was surprised.

"When you get upset with me, I'd rather you not cut school to avoid me. We should be able to have arguments and discussions like normal teenagers that are going out, you know?" Ryan said slowly.

"Yeah? You think?" Anna was looking at him, amused.

"What?" He asked.

"You think entirely too much…" She said.

He glanced at her again but before he could say anything, she leaned over and kissed him deeply.

"Chino! No action on the front steps!" Chip's voice interrupted them.

Summer snickered from nearby as Chip and Luke appeared with Seth.

"Damn, man, even sick you still pick up all the ladies!" Luke teased.

"Fuck off, Ward," Anna said.

Ryan was red and stunned as Seth pulled him to his feet.

"Time to go in, player," Seth laughed. Summer had Anna cornered at the bottom of the stairs.

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Ryan was talking quietly with the coach. Coach Jenkins wanted him to consider coming to the remaining games.

"The boy's aren't the same without you," The coach smiled. "When you first got here, I thought you were a goner…but I think you brought everyone closer together."

"I'd like to come, Coach, but…I'm beat from just one lap, half a lap," Ryan said quietly. "I don't know how I'd do on a long bus ride…"

"When you're stronger, kid, you won't be sick forever. But there's a home game on Friday…"

Ryan smiled. "I'll ask the Cohens."

"Good boy," He smiled. "Here comes your brother."

Ryan turned and saw Seth approaching. "You okay?"

"He did very well. We'll try it again tomorrow," Coach Jenkins smiled, getting up and returning his attention to the field where Luke was apparently yelling at the rest of the boys.

"Let's go man, I don't want to see this…" Ryan said, standing up. The coach was running onto the field, yelling, as they walked toward the parking lot.

"You want to go by a burger place?" Seth asked. He had to give up his lunch to drive Ryan home.

"Actually, I sort of need to crash…" Ryan said. "Can I sleep in the car?"

"I'll be quick," Seth promised, starting the car.

"'Kay…" Ryan leaned his head against the window and closed his eyes. "Get me a burger so I can heat it up later…"

"Sure thing," Seth smiled, knowing that slowly but surely, Ryan was getting better.

Seth got his food and drove Ryan home. He waited in the driveway until Ryan went inside before returning to school to work on a project.

Ryan was tired. He'd slept all the way home and was still groggy. He sat down on the bed.

He was trying to get stronger.

But he thought he'd pushed himself too far today. Every muscle in his body ached and his head was pounding. He felt like his legs and arms were made of jelly, he had no strength. Pain seemed to radiate from his bones.

He was getting better.

He might not feel it, but he had to believe it.

He closed his eyes.

Nausea overtook him and he rushed to the bathroom.

He would rest after his stomach forgave him for eating breakfast.

He was glad the house was empty. Sandy and Kirsten were almost working eight hour days again and he could tell a difference. They seemed to be getting back to normal with the distraction of work. Ryan knew that they both loved their jobs.

He'd gotten expert at muffling the sound of his vomiting now. His appetite was returning but he rarely managed to keep a meal down.

He'd told Dr. Tarleton who said that it would pass with time and he had to try and breathe through the nausea. Some patients that went through chemo developed eating disorders that plagued them the rest of their lives. Ryan didn't want to do that but he couldn't breathe through the nausea. The nausea always won.

He tried. But for now, he'd just puke until his stomach was empty and then sleep.

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Seth got home around six, he'd stayed late working with Summer and Chip on a class project.

"Ryan?" He went into Ryan's room and saw him asleep on his bed. "Ryan?"

Ryan stirred slightly.

"Ryan."

"Yeah?"

"You hungry?"

"No…tired…later?" Ryan mumbled.

"Sure thing…I'll be upstairs…" Seth said, satisfied to leave. He went upstairs and started a CD. He was hungry so he returned downstairs and glanced into Ryan's room as he passed, surprised to see Ryan's empty bed. Curious, he stepped in and heard Ryan's quiet cough.

"Dude, you okay?" Seth asked, pushing open the bathroom door.

"Yeah…help me up?" Ryan held out a hand and Seth helped him to his feet and to the bed.

"You…" Seth started.

"It's cool. No reason for that look on your face…"

"Why are you still sick?" Seth blurted out.

"Dr. Tarleton says it's normal. Seriously." Ryan gave him a weak smile.

"Okay. Do you need anything?"

"Actually…do you have permission to give me medicine?"

"I can call Mom…"

"No, I can wait," Ryan said. "She's having dinner with Sandy, I don't want to bother them."

"I can give you what's on the fridge, there's a list, come on…" Seth helped Ryan to the kitchen. Ryan sat down on a stool and Seth started a pot of tea.

"Okay, here's the list," Seth said, sitting down beside him with a sheet of paper listing the instructions for Ryan's medication regiment.

"Are you having pain?" Seth asked, scanning the list.

"Yeah…" Ryan whispered with a nod.

Seth hid his surprise. Ryan never admitted that he had pain to Seth before, it was always his parents that took care of his prescriptions. "I can do that. Give me a minute…" Seth went to the cabinet and quickly returned with a bottle and put it in front of Ryan. He turned his attention to making tea, not wanting to make Ryan uncomfortable.

Seth was satisfied with his tea and set a cup in front of Ryan. Ryan was staring at the bottle in his shaking hand.

"What?" Seth asked, sensing Ryan's mood by the dejected look in his eyes.

"I can't open it," Ryan said blankly.

Seth hesitated, confused.

"I can't even open a plastic bottle…" Ryan muttered.

Seth took the bottle from him and opened it, unsure of what to say. He shook out a tablet and put it on the counter. Ryan stared at it.

"Go on, dude," Seth said.

Ryan swallowed the pill and closed his eyes.

"You all right?" Seth asked.

"Yeah. I'm going to lie down," Ryan sighed. He stood up. "Can you bring that tea in? He held out a trembling hand for explanation. "I'll spill it…"

"No problem…" Seth followed him with the cup.

Ryan sat down on his bed with a sigh.

"You going to be up?" Seth asked.

"I think I need to sleep…can you wake me up in a couple of hours? I need to eat something."

"Sure…you want me to stay?" Seth asked.

Ryan glanced at him, surprised. "I'm fine, man…"

"I know. But…you're the only one here, Summer's not coming over 'til later and…"

"Okay, man," Ryan said.

"Cool." Seth paused by the door. "You know I'm going to need CD's…"

"Go nuts, Ryan smiled, lying down.

Seth was sitting on the end of Ryan's bed when his parents got home. Ryan was asleep beside him. Music was playing from the stereo and Seth was playing a video game. Summer was almost hidden, sleeping in a contented ball on the space behind Seth.

"Everything okay?" Kirsten whispered.

"Yeah. The animals are finally resting," Seth replied quietly.

"Stupid Cohen…" Summer muttered from her nap.

"Don't stay up too late. You all have school tomorrow," Sandy said.

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The next two days passed similar to Tuesday. Ryan went to school, exercised with the team and came home exhausted.

Seth took him to therapy on Thursday. Ryan was tired but insisted on going.

Seth was anxious in the waiting room and was clearly relieved when Ryan emerged.

"I'm ready," Ryan said.

Seth was stricken by Ryan's silence on the way home. "Dude, are you all right?"

"Yeah…"

"What happens to you in there? You always come out looking…sprung."

"She gives me a lot to think about," Ryan replied.

"Like what?" Seth asked.

"She makes me talk. Then she tells me everything I say back to me…It's weird. It gives me perspective."

"Oh," Seth nodded.

"She's okay. She wants a family meeting in a couple of weeks."

"That's cool. So…you're cool?"

"Yeah. Anna's coming over tonight," Ryan said. "I'm going to take a nap and then we were going to watch some TV and hang."

"Cool, man. So…you guys…"

"We're talking," Ryan said evenly.

Seth grinned.

"Shut up," Ryan said, annoyed.

"Okay," Seth laughed. Seth parked the car and followed Ryan inside. True to his word, he went straight to his room and stretched out, falling asleep.

Sandy was home. "How's Ryan, Seth?"

"Seems fine," Seth replied honestly. "Tired, but he's getting stronger."

Sandy was visibly relieved. "I believe it when you say it. Thanks for taking such good care of him."

"He does the same for me," Seth shrugged.

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Seth and Summer were pleased to see Anna leaving Ryan's room late that night.

Ryan was also happy the next day to be given his first hint of freedom. Sandy and Kirsten had given him permission to go to the soccer game with Anna.

He had to make it through school first. He worked with Seth on the chemistry project for the first period, chatting with Larry on Seth's cell phone while Larry called from Miami.

Before his class with Anna, Luke and the team had snuck into the room and were talking with Ryan by the window in the front of the classroom. Anna was sitting with him on the windowsill while Chip explained their strategy for the game.

Luke started to argue with Chip over a small point but Ryan's attention drifted to the set of brothers that were having a stare down behind the team leaders. The twins, Todd and Lou were known for their short tempers, the sibling rivalry was fierce between them and Ryan was used to mediating them with Luke's assistance.

"Chino?" Luke called, seeing his distracted gaze.

"They're at it again," Ryan nodded.

Luke turned and immediately stepped between them as Lou lunged.

Chip joined in but Anna held Ryan's arm tightly, shaking her head at him.

"You'll bruise, don't get in that," Anna said quietly.

Ryan nodded, settling back to sit.

Lou broke out of Luke's grip and picked up a beaker leftover from Mr. Anderson's lesson and hurled it at his brother, struggling in Chip's grasp.

Ryan instinctively protected Anna, curling his arms around her.

Lou continued to throw things, bottles, pens, books and anything else he could find until Luke and several other boys tackled him.

"Fuck, Lou! You're such an ass!" Chip yelled, releasing Todd and cursing as he picked several small shards of glass out of his arms.

"You all right?" Ryan asked Anna. She sat up and examined herself.

"Yeah…but there's blood…" She said.

Several kids were bleeding, Luke even had a cut down his cheek.

Ryan's arm was sliced from his outer wrist to his elbow and the blood had already coated his arm when he pulled out the embedded shard of glass.

"Oh god…you're bleeding a lot…" Anna realized.

Ryan quickly glanced around for something and finally walked to his desk, grabbing his sweatshirt off his desk and using it to try and put pressure on his wound.

"Chino?" Luke called.

"You need to call somebody, Luke…" Anna said. She gently pushed Ryan to sit down. "What's wrong?"

"My blood's thin…I'm going to bleed…" Ryan told her quietly.

"Oh…God…" Anna said, her phone already in her hand. She called Seth first and they heard his phone ring as Luke shoved him into the room.

"What the hell, Luke? Oh, man…" Seth gasped.

The sweatshirt was soaking through with blood. "Seth. Don't panic. Get the nurse and let me see your phone," Ryan said calmly.

"I'll get the nurse," Luke said, hurrying from the room.

"Who do you need to call?" Seth asked, pale.

"Page the doctor. Then let me talk to him," Ryan said.

"Fuck, man, I'm sorry…" Lou came over and clamped his hands around the sweatshirt and helped raise it above Ryan's head to slow the bleeding.

Seth had Dr. Tarleton's pager number in his phone book and after a long few minutes, it rang and Ryan reached for it.

Ryan spoke quietly to the doctor as Dr. Kim and several other teachers arrived.

"Okay, Doctor…" Ryan closed the phone and glanced at Seth.

"Dr. Kim, I have to take him to the hospital, it'll be faster and the ambulance will take him to the ER and it's not safe and…" Seth started, reading Ryan's face.

"Okay, Seth, let the nurse bandage him quickly…" Dr. Kim said, putting her hand on Seth's shoulder to calm him.

"I'll get the car…" Luke said. Seth gave him the keys, not wanting to leave Ryan.

"You okay?" Anna asked.

"I'm okay…" Ryan said, but he was feeling weak and if the nurse hadn't been holding his arm, he wouldn't have been able to lift it. "Dr. Tarleton says it's fine, as long as I let him look at it…"

"You're going to need stitches…what happened?" The nurse asked.

"Stupid Lou," Todd snapped.

"You guys both need to shut it," Ryan said suddenly. "You guys are brothers, work it the fuck out…"

"Cohen! Luke's honking for you!" Summer called from the doorway.

"Come on, Ryan…" Seth said, taking Ryan's good arm and helping him to his feet. Ryan cradled his bleeding arm against him.

"I'm out, too," Anna told Dr. Kim, picking up her bag before getting Luke, Ryan and Seth's bags, too and following them out.

"Call me as soon as you get there," Summer said, following them to the car.


	14. Fourteen

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Ryan insisted he was fine all the way to the hospital but his bandages were saturated when Rita met them at the entrance.

She had the wheelchair ready and Ryan gave her a smile as he reluctantly sat down.

"He's all mine now. You guys just relax and park the car. Seth, you can all wait in the waiting room on the usual floor, okay?"

"Can I…" Seth started.

"Seth. Chill. I'm fine," Ryan said. Seth forced himself to relax as Rita pushed Ryan into the hospital.

Anna took Seth's hand with a worried sigh. "He's okay…"

"He's okay," Seth repeated blankly.

"I'm parking the car. Can you guys wait and show me where to go?" Luke asked.

Seth nodded. "Yeah. Luke?"

Luke paused outside the opened driver's door. "Yeah?"

"Thanks, man. I'm totally freaked," Seth admitted.

"Me, too…keep busy…" Luke muttered, getting into the car to park it.

Ryan was telling Rita what happened on the elevator ride. If she was concerned about the blood, she didn't show it. She rolled him into an empty room and to the bed.

He stood up and the dizziness that had been taunting him took hold and everything swerved.

Rita caught him and lowered him to the bed. "Kid? Look at me, kid…"

"Sorry," Ryan said, regaining his vision.

"Let me take a look now…are you in pain?"

"Honestly?" He asked, breathing shallowly as he lay flat.

"Yeah," Rita said seriously as she unwrapped his arm.

"Yeah…but I'm more worried about my shaky consciousness right now…" Ryan said.

She winced as she saw the gash.

"Not that look…" Ryan said.

"You're going to be fine, kid…you're still bleeding but we'll fix that right up," She said, pushing the call button on the bed. She pressed fresh gauze against his arm. "Have you called your folks?"

"I haven't really done anything…Seth and Luke were on point…" Ryan explained.

Several nurses came in and Rita fired off several orders as a chill washed over Ryan.

When he blinked again, Dr. Tarleton was in his vision.

"I have to say you're accident prone…" He smiled.

"Sorry…can you fix me up by seven?" Ryan asked.

"I'll certainly try…can you stay awake? Let's sit you up…" He said. Ryan sat up and was startled when the doctor put an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

"Just for a little while, I promise…it'll make things clearer…do you want Seth?" The doctor asked.

"No…he'd freak out…just try and hurry?"

"We're giving you something for the pain but we really need you to stay awake…" The doctor held up his tools.

"For stitches? And I thought you were nice…" Ryan snorted, looking away as Dr. Tarleton started to sew.

Summer walked into the waiting room with several white shopping bags.

"Summer?" Seth paused from his manic pacing for a moment. Anna and Luke were sitting side by side, silent.

"You all have blood on you," Summer pointed out. "So I raided the school gift shop and I come bearing slightly less gross clothes," She said.

"Sweet…thanks," Seth said, giving her a kiss.

"Yeah, thanks, Summer…I'll be right back…" Anna grabbed a bag and left to change.

"How's Chino?" Summer asked Seth.

Luke changed shirts quickly from the corner before sitting down again.

"He's with the doctor. They haven't told us anything…" Seth said.

"Well, the school's a war zone," Summer said, walking Seth over to sit down. "Chip kicked Lou's ass and then Todd went after Chip and the coach sent everyone home that was in the classroom. I just ditched." Her words calmed Seth down and he seemed to regain a little color in his face.

Anna returned in a pink Harbor tracksuit. "Seth, you did call your parents, right?"

"Shit…" Seth gasped, pulling out his phone.

Rita stepped in before he could dial. "All right, kids. Ryan needs to rest but he wants you to come in. We're going to keep him a couple of hours…"

They followed her to Ryan's room. She paused outside the door. "Keep it down, okay? There's a lot of you and only one of him," She said. She tapped Luke on the shoulder. "I'll be back to fix up your face, okay?"

"It's…" Luke started to protest.

"It needs to be cleaned. Don't worry, I don't bite," She winked, leaving them alone.

Ryan was sleeping with his bandaged arm elevated on a pillow. He was pale and there was a half-full bag of blood going into an IV on his good arm.

"I'll be back in a few minutes," Dr. Tarleton startled them from the corner. "He's going to be fine."

Seth went to Ryan's side and breathed a sigh of relief.

"You know…lately, he's been almost normal. I forgot how fragile he is…" Luke whispered, clearly still shaken.

"He's getting stronger," Seth replied.

"I know, I didn't mean…" Luke recanted.

"I know," Seth said. "This whole thing sucks."

Ryan sighed and sluggishly opened his eyes. "Hey…"

"What's up? How're you feeling?" Seth asked.

"I have twelve stitches in my arm and I'm getting half a pint of blood for the road…" Ryan said. He smiled lazily. "I'm also a little dopey."

"I'm sorry, man…" Luke started.

"It's not your fault. It's not even Stupid Lou's fault…I'm just a little breakable right now. But I'm already on the mend…" Ryan said.

"You're really okay?" Anna asked.

"Yeah," He smiled.

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Seth answered his phone absently. Summer had left to take Luke and Anna to their cars. Ryan was asleep again beside him. The doctor was coming to give him one more exam before releasing him.

"Seth? It's your mom, where are you?"

"I forgot to call you, I'm so sorry…"

"Seth…"

"All this stuff happened at school and we had to leave and then…" Seth started.

"Seth."

"The hospital."

"What?"

"Everything's fine, we're with Dr. Tarleton and Ryan's getting out as soon as the doctor gets back…"

What happened? I'm on the way…"

"It's fine…he got cut at school…"

"Cut?"

"Accidentally with some glass, but the bleeding wouldn't stop and…"

"Seth. Slow down and tell me everything."

Seth sighed. He glanced over and saw Ryan looking at him with tired eyes. He held out his hand and Seth gave him the phone.

"Kirsten?"

"Ryan, honey, what happened, are you okay?"

"I am fine. Everything is fine…"

"But you are at the hospital…"

"For only a few more minutes. There was this argument at school and one of the kids started throwing things and I got cut with some glass…"

"Are you…"

"I'm okay, Kirsten. But my blood is thin from all the chemo and the meds so it took a while to stop bleeding…I called the doctor as soon as it happened and he told me to come in. They gave me some stitches, they gave me some blood and I'm totally fine."

"I'm still on my way…"

"Kirsten, please don't panic. If you come down, I'll end up staying for hours and I really want to go home…" Ryan said urgently. "How about I get Dr. Tarleton to call you?"

"I'm calling him now. Don't go anywhere until I get there, I'm on the way…" Kirsten said, hanging up.

"She's coming?"

"Yep. You better call Sandy, too," Ryan said. "You forgot?"

"Yeah. I was a little panicked, you know," Seth replied.

"It's cool. I appreciate the way you handled stuff today..."

"You just told me what to do…you sure you're okay?"

"I am for right now. I'm not sure what your folks are going to do, though. You think they'll still let me go to the game tonight?" Ryan asked.

"Highly doubtful," Seth said. Dr. Tarleton stepped in.

"Kirsten's going to call you. She's pretty mad. Seth forgot to call her," Ryan said.

"Ah. So you'll be staying until she arrives?" The doctor asked.

"Executive order," Seth nodded.

"Okay, then. You want us to bring you something to eat?"

"I'm okay. I just want to get out of here," Ryan admitted. "I'll eat at home."

"I'll go call Kirsten, you seem to be doing fine for now, your pulse is normal, you seem almost good as new. Are you in pain?"

"I'm good, Dr. Thank you."

"Well, you got me out of a budget meeting so I really should be thanking you," He smiled, leaving as his pager went off.

"So…"

"If you ask me if I'm okay one more time, I'm going to snap," Ryan said, sitting up.

"Sorry."

"What did we talk about before I was sick?" Ryan asked.

"Um…I talked and you nodded politely, I think," Seth teased.

The door opened and Coach Jenkins and Mr. Anderson stepped in. "Ryan…you're looking much better," Mr. Anderson said, clearly relieved.

"Yeah, I'd be out of here by now if Seth hadn't forgotten to call his parents," Ryan teased.

"You didn't think of it either, genius," Seth retorted, smiling.

"So, we finally got the whole story out of the twins," the coach said. Seth's phone rang and he glanced at the ID and immediately stepped out of the room.

"Lou's just hot-tempered sometimes, he didn't mean any harm…" Ryan said.

"Well, he did a lot of harm. He trashed the classroom and…you could've bled to death, Ryan…" Mr. Anderson said quietly.

"But I didn't…"

"I know, Ryan. But it shouldn't have happened, not on our watch," Mr. Anderson said. "We want you to be in school so you don't fall behind, but things like this…shouldn't happen. The team shouldn't have been in there…"

"The boys just wanted to talk to him…" Coach Jenkins protested.

"Listen, it was an accident. Everything's okay…it was just an accident. They fight all the time, hell, I used to fight pretty often…this was just an…"

"Accident," The coach nodded.

"I know I'm supposed to be careful, but I was just talking to my friends…" Ryan started.

"Which shouldn't involve flying glass," Mr. Anderson grumbled, glaring at the coach.

"The doctor says I'm fine. I appreciate you both coming down to see me…" Ryan said.

"We're glad you're okay," Coach Jenkins said.

Seth returned. "So, we're free to go."

"Really?" Ryan asked.

"Mom and Dad are meeting us at home. Rita's bringing the wheelchair and I'll meet you downstairs."

"Thanks, Seth," Ryan said, sitting up.

"Tell your parents to give us a call, okay?" Mr. Anderson said, walking out with the coach.

Ryan was still in his bloody clothes from school but he didn't care. He stood up and picked up the sling Rita had ordered him to wear. As soon as he sat back down, Rita arrived with the wheelchair.

"Good boy with the sling. Now, have a seat," She said.

"So, Kirsten and Sandy Ok'd me to leave?"

"Yep. You need to take it easy and don't use your arm until the doctor tells you its okay. It's really important, if you hurt the stitches, the wound…"

"I don't want to bleed, Rita. I understand. I'll be really careful," Ryan promised.

"Let's get you out of here," Rita nodded.

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Sandy and Kirsten were both wanting when Seth walked in with Ryan.

"Come on, Ryan, sit down…" Kirsten's face was drawn with concern.

"Guys, I'm totally fine…" Ryan started.

"Ryan, just sit," Sandy sighed.

Ryan sat down on the couch and Seth took the seat beside him.

"It was a freak accident. If I'd been wearing my sweatshirt it wouldn't have even scratched me…" Ryan said.

"Ryan, you could've…" Kirsten interrupted.

"Nothing happened. Please don't overreact. You can't just lock me away, stuff's going to happen to me eventually…" Ryan said.

"You know how serious you could've been hurt…"

"I know, Sandy…" Ryan insisted. "But…do you hear what I'm trying to say?"

"Yeah, Ryan, you're right…We're just glad you're okay," Sandy said, patting him on the back.

"Well, I'm not as easily satisfied," Kirsten said. "I'm going to have to have a long talk with Dr. Kim about this before you're going back to that school…"

"Kirsten…"

"Go lie down," She said, pulling out her phone.

"I'll take care of it. Go get cleaned up and I'll be in to check on you," Sandy said gently.

Ryan nodded and went to his room. Seth followed him after a glare from his mother.

"I'm cool. I'll talk to you later," Ryan said when Seth tried to follow him in.

"You sure?"

"Yeah," Ryan smiled and closed the door.

Ryan was really tired. The drugs were wearing off and Kirsten's protective anger wasn't something he'd anticipated.

He'd been scared enough at the hospital and keeping his brave face on had been a task. He trusted Dr. Tarleton to take care of him, but he'd focused on staying calm for Seth and his friends.

But he was fine. He'd just had a setback.

He couldn't have prevented it.

He hadn't worn short sleeves in weeks, he was usually cold but today, for the first time in a long time, he'd been warm. He'd taken his sweatshirt off in his first class and he'd paid for it.

He took off the sling and tried to hold his arm still but it hurt as he struggled to get his shirt off.

He walked to the bathroom and closed the door. He washed where blood had soaked through as best he could without a shower.

He was too tired for a shower, he doubted his strength.

Satisfied, he pulled on a pair of sweatpants. He stepped out of the room and saw Sandy waiting by his dresser.

"Sorry…I thought you might need some help," Sandy didn't wait for him to respond, he just gently slipped a wifebeater on him before hanging the sling around his neck.

"Thanks."

"Lie down."

"I'm fine. I'm actually sort of hungry…" Ryan started.

Sandy shook his head. "Lie down."

Ryan sighed but sat down.

"You need to rest. I know you think it's silly and you want to keep doing everything that you're doing but things change. Until further notice…Kirsten and I don't want you to leave the house…" Sandy said, sitting down beside him.

Ryan was stunned. He blinked. "What?"

"You're not being punished…"

"But I'm grounded? Sandy, this was just a freak accident, I don't need to…"

"Ryan. I know…but Kirsten…" He lowered his voice. "This really scared her. Give her a couple of days to relax and I'm sure this will blow over…"

"So…I can't leave the house. I can't go to school…"

"She…" Sandy was clearly trying to keep Ryan calm without coming out and saying that Kirsten was being unreasonable. "We think it would be better if you limited your activities for a few days. Stay home, limit your guests…"

"So, I'm grounded…" Ryan repeated, still shocked.

"You're not being punished…"

"I don't understand, then. I don't understand why when I'm finally getting my strength back that I'm confined to the house again…"

"Ryan. You're tired, you're hurt, you need your rest. We'll talk more later…"

"Whatever, Sandy. I don't have a say in this anyway, right?" Ryan sighed.

"Ryan…"

"Get out, Sandy," Ryan said quietly, standing up.

"Don't…"

"Get out, Sandy. Please."

"You said you were hungry…"

"I'm not. Leave me alone. I need to rest, right? Let me rest…" Ryan snapped.

Sandy was clearly hurt but left, closing the door behind him.

Ryan hadn't expected this. Kirsten was worried, but this was downright cruel.

He stretched out on top of his bed and closed his eyes. The timid knock on the door didn't make him sit up.

"Dude?"

"Seth. What's up?"

"Um…Mom and Dad are arguing pretty hard core out here…can I come in?"

"Actually, can you do me a favor, man?" Ryan asked.

"Sure, man. Like what?"

"I'm grounded."

"What?" Seth was clearly surprised.

"Not really grounded, just not allowed out of the house. Your mom's sort of…"

"Flipping out? Yeah…so…what are you going to do?"

"I was supposed to go to the game tonight. And you were going out with Summer, right? Could you swing by there and tell them that I'm okay and that I won't be seeing them awhile?"

"Yeah, man…we can do that, no problem…you don't want us to stay here and hang out with you?"

"No, dude. I'm fine. A little pissed, but fine. I'm just going to crash out," Ryan admitted.

"Okay, man, if you're sure…I'll make sure the guys know you wanted to be there tonight."

"Thanks," Ryan said.

"Get some rest. You want me to talk to Mom?"

"No. She wouldn't even tell me herself, she sent Sandy in. I'll talk to her when she's ready to face me," Ryan replied with a sigh.

"Okay, man. I'll stop in when I get back…"

"Actually, I'll just see you tomorrow. I think I need some time to myself," Ryan admitted.

"Understandable. Take it easy…" Seth left and Ryan got up, locking the door.

He didn't want to see anyone else tonight. He needed to sleep.


	15. Fifteen

_AN: Let's see if I can resolve a little of this angst...a little, I say..._

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The next morning, Sandy and Kirsten were still arguing.

"Sandy, I'm not discussing this any more with you. I've made my decision," Kirsten said, slamming her hand against the counter the next morning.

"You can't do this to him right now, Kirsten…"

"I'm not doing anything but keeping him safe. Did you take him his meds?"

"His door's locked," Sandy stated.

Kirsten stared at him. "What?"

"He locked his door. If you want to take him his meds, you unlock it. I'm going surfing." Sandy stormed out of the house.

Kirsten sighed. She didn't want to be harsh, but she had to keep him safe. She'd trusted that he was strong enough to go back to school on half days, but she hadn't considered that he could be hurt. He had twelve stitches in his arm and he'd lost a lot of blood. Dr. Tarleton's reassurances didn't ease her mind. Dr. Kim's reassurances didn't ease her mind.

She knew how much Ryan wanted to get back to normal but she wouldn't lose him now, not after he was so close to being well again.

She'd keep him where she could see him. She didn't know how long, but she'd keep him until she was sure he was ready.

Sandy could call her unreasonable but she'd make sure Ryan was protected.

She gathered his medication and a cup of the tea he liked and went toward his room.

She liked having him in the house. She liked having him close.

She'd always spoiled Seth and when he was young, he'd reveled in the attention. When he was sick, he loved having her wait on him hand and foot. Ryan was completely different. She'd never seen him sick before the cancer, but he hated attention of any kind. He'd tried to blend into the background but his sickness had put him in the spotlight. He continued to thank them and offer his apologies for needing help.

She wanted him to accept his life here, accept her and Sandy as his parents.

He'd been doing much better.

She hoped that he'd understand why she was doing this. She just wanted him safe.

She knocked on the door. There was no answer. Not even the turning of the lock. She put the meds and the tea down and reached over the sill of the door for the key. She found it and unlocked the door before pushing it open.

"Ryan?" She called gently.

The bed was made already but empty. She put the pills and the tea down and walked toward the bathroom.

The door was half open and when she peeked inside, she saw Ryan asleep in the floor.

He looked exhausted but he'd made a comfortable nest. His head was lying on a pillow and his arm was still safe in its sling.

"Ryan?"

He didn't stir, he was settled. She kneeled beside him and gently shook him. "Ryan."

He slowly opened his eyes. "Yeah?"

"You want to go back to bed?"

"No, I'm fine here…thanks…" He said.

"You're in the bathroom."

He blinked at her. "I know."

"Are you sick? Have you called the doctor?"

"The doctor knows, Kirsten. I'm fine. Did you bring my meds?" He asked.

"I'm not going to give them to you if you're just going to throw them up…"

"Kirsten. What would you like me to do then?" Ryan asked, sitting up stiffly.

She was hurt by his cold tone. She knew he was angry, but she'd never known him to be so openly cold to her.

"I…I'll leave them on your dresser. When your stomach settles, you can take them, okay?"

"Fine. Thanks," He said curtly.

"Ryan…"

"Is that it?" He asked.

"We need to talk about…"

"Is there anything really to talk about? You have your way. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Nothing I say is going to change your mind, do you think I didn't hear you and Sandy arguing all morning? You aren't going to listen to me," Ryan said in a burst.

"Ryan…"

"Thank you for bringing me my medication," Ryan said. He gave her a cold look before leaning forward and starting to heave.

"Ryan…"

"Can you give me a little privacy?" He asked.

Kirsten left and found Seth waiting in Ryan's room.

"Is he sick again?" Seth asked.

"Yeah…"

"You still being all Nazi on him?" Seth asked.

"I want him to be safe…"

"He is safe. Mom, we're with him at school, Anna and Luke were both with him when…"

"Stop it. It's not up for discussion, Seth."

Seth's eyes were startled. "Fine. What are you doing in here, then?"

Kirsten left in a rush, upset.

Ryan stepped out. "Hey, man."

"Mom's pretty upset."

"Yeah."

"You still sick?"

"Yeah. Better now. It's worse at night and in the morning. I just have to try and work through it…"

"What are your plans for today?" Seth asked as Ryan studied the small mound of pills on the dresser.

"Um…"

"Oh. Yeah. House arrest," Seth nodded.

"I was supposed to go out with Anna. Last night, too. I better call her, let her know what's up…"

"I took the liberty of calling her last night before we went to the game. The guys all wish you the best and you'll probably be hearing from them…"

"I wonder if your mom will let me use the phone," Ryan muttered.

"We'll make the best of it, man. We can hang out here…"

"Dude, no, I don't want you stuck in the house just because your mom's flipping on me. It's not fair to you…"

"It's cool, man. I like hanging out with you," Seth protested.

"I know…I'm just not feeling social today," Ryan admitted. He took a deep breath and then started swallowing the pills, one by one.

Seth glanced at him and then closed the door to the room. "You okay?"

"Yeah, it's no big deal…"

"Dude, it…it kind of is. You…you said you'd talk to us if something was wrong and…it's like you're pushing us all away again."

"I'm fine. Really. Yesterday…it was pretty damn scary, like, seeing my weakness like that, having everyone see me so needy…and it was over nothing, man. It was just a stupid cut but…it could've been really serious, too, you know? And I'd finally come to terms with it, I knew that it was just a setback and I'd be back to normal, or the quasi-normality I'm going with right now, but your mom…she's just locking me in the house? How am I supposed to deal with this?" Ryan said.

"See? Talking, it's not so hard. And you're getting the hang of babbling so well," Seth said. Ryan gave him an annoyed glare, but he was smiling slightly. "Okay, man. I don't like you all freaked out but I'm willing to adjust. You need to eat something and I need to make some calls and then we'll figure out how to pull you out of your housebound funk. Deal?"

"I can't eat anything…" Ryan protested.

"You can and you will. Hook up your laptop, I'll be right back. There's some stuff I want to show you," Seth said.

Ryan sighed but nodded. He connected his laptop to the phone line and sat down on the bed. He logged into his email and saw that it was full of recent messages from his classmates.

He was reading an extra long one from Larry when Seth returned with a tray of food.

"I know you're not hungry so I brought a little of everything. Mom's vacated the premises, by the way, but there's a note on the door that says "I mean it" so I'm assuming that you still can't go anywhere," Seth said.

"Thanks. Larry's having a blast, man, have you talked to him?" Ryan asked.

"Not since yesterday. Ah, so you're finally catching up on your emails…" Seth said, sitting down on the bed with him.

"Trying. Did you put me on the penis enlargement mailing list?" Ryan asked.

Seth laughed. "No, dude…why, do you need it?"

Ryan shoved him with a smile.

"Minimize that window a minute. I want to show you this site…" Seth took the computer and typed frantically until a website popped up. "Here. This is a site for cancer patients that are using this stuff called biofeedback…"

"Rita told me a little about that…"

"It might help. With your chills and your nausea and stuff…" Seth said.

"Thanks, Seth. I'll take a look at it." Ryan was surprised. "You did research?"

"Yeah. But you eat. I'm going to make some calls."

"What kind of calls?"

"Well, since Mom won't let you go out…I'm going to bring the people to you…" Seth grinned.

"Sandy says I have to 'limit my guests'," Ryan quoted.

"Oh yeah? What's that mean?"

"I took it to mean no visitors…" Ryan muttered.

"That's just…bullshit! Listen, man, I can put up with them keeping you in the house for a couple of days, but no visitors? That's not fair!" Seth said.

"Dude, your mom is really serious. I don't want to make her any angrier at me than she already is," Ryan confessed.

"But…I was going to invite over…"

"Seth, just don't. If anyone asks, just tell them I'm…sick again. I don't know…this just sucks. When I'm better, I'm totally kicking Lou and Todd's ass…"

"They both sent their apologies," Seth said.

"I know," Ryan sighed. He picked up a slice of toast and nibbled on one of the corners.

"See? It's good…" Seth smiled as Ryan took a full bite.

"Toast. I can eat toast, my stomach says," Ryan shrugged.

"You going to be okay, man?"

"Yeah. Please, Seth. Don't wallow in this house with me all day. Go out, see the sun, hang out with your girlfriend. At least for a little while. I'm fine."

Seth narrowed his eyes. "Really?"

"Yes. I'm going to sit here with my emails and my phone and I'm going to try and stay connected."

"In other words, you're going to pout."

"Pout?" Ryan tilted his head. "Yes, I'm going to pout and sulk and be generally pissy until your mom turns me loose."

"Sounds like a plan. I'm going to leave you to it, then. But I will be back."

"Cool, man. Thanks," Ryan said, waving the toast at him.

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Sandy had surfed until he calmed down. He knew his wife was only doing what she thought was right, but he disagreed. Damned united front, he had to support her decision when he'd talked to Ryan, but he didn't agree. Ryan was getting better, the cancer was gone, now he just had to recover.

Sandy put his surfboard away and went into the house. It was late morning now, almost eleven.

"Kirsten?" He called.

"I'm in your office!" She yelled. He followed her voice to his study.

"Where's the boys?"

"Seth's out with Summer. Ryan's in his room, I think."

"Did you talk to him?"

"He's mad. I'm still not changing my mind, though," Kirsten said. She softened her tone. "I'm doing it for his own good…"

"No, you're doing it for yours. But I'm not arguing anymore. I'll check on him…"

"Thank you, Sandy," She sighed.

He closed the door to the office as he left.

Ryan's door was closed but when he knocked, Ryan told him to come in.

"What's up, kid?" Sandy asked.

"Nothing. Just web-surfing," Ryan replied.

"How's your arm?"

"Fine. I'm fine, Sandy," He said.

"Really?"

"Yes. I know I'm stuck here, but you don't have to keep checking on me…I'm fine," Ryan said.

"Ryan…"

"If this is another explanation for why I'm under house arrest, just save it. I'm not fighting you on it, I don't have the energy. But don't expect me to like it," Ryan replied.

"Okay, kid. Do you…"

"If I need anything, I'll get it. Thanks," Ryan nodded.

"Sure. I'll be around…"

"Cool."

Sandy sighed once he left, closing the door behind him.

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Ryan was cold to Sandy and Kirsten all weekend and didn't leave his room unless they forced him to come out for dinner.

Monday came and Kirsten showed no signs of letting up, she wouldn't let him go to school and told his friends that he didn't need company. He'd talked to Anna on the phone, but his only visitors were Seth and Summer.

Monday night, both Seth and Sandy attempted to convince her to allow Ryan to go to school on Tuesday but she refused. Ryan was to stay at home for the rest of the week and she wasn't listening to any more pleas until the weekend.

She'd gone to work on Tuesday but couldn't stop thinking about Ryan being home alone all day. Even though he stayed in his room, she wanted to check on him. She knew he was angry with her, but she was trying to protect him.

She got home around ten and was surprised to see his door open. She walked into the room and saw him on the phone with his laptop open in front of him.

"If you look at the next slide, you'll see the formula we used to get the correct result…" Ryan was saying. He glanced up when she approached. "Um…hold on…"

"Who are you talking to?" She asked.

"I'm talking to…" He started, clearly trying to think up the right answer.

"Don't lie, Ryan," She ordered. "Hang up the phone."

"What?" He asked, surprised.

"Hang up, Ryan."

He glanced at his phone, then at the laptop before closing the phone with a frustrated sigh.

"Who were you talking to, Ryan?"

"My class," Ryan replied. He turned the laptop to show her. "Mr. Anderson's chemistry presentation was due today. Since I'm not allowed to go, he didn't want me to lose credit so he said that Larry and I could do it over the phone. He installed a speakerphone in the class and I was trying to do my part."

Kirsten flushed with regret. "Ryan, I'm sorry…"

"Me, too," He said, closing the laptop. "You might as well withdraw me from school if I can't go back, Kirsten," He sighed. The phone started to ring in his hand.

"You can…you better answer that and finish it…" Kirsten said.

"It's too late, if I'm not going back to school, then why bother?" Ryan asked.

Kirsten sighed. "You will be going back to school…"

"When? Kirsten…I don't…" He was clearly frustrated. "I don't know why you're doing this! I thought you wanted me to get better, I thought you wanted me to get back to normal, but you've got me trapped here, like I'm useless, like I'm an invalid…and I'm not. I'm not an invalid."

"You're not an invalid, but…"

"But what? I was doing better. School was helping. I was able to get out of the house and actually pretend that I wasn't sick for a little while. I was able to exercise and hang out with my friends and start getting better…but just because of that stupid accident, I'm back to being bedridden…I mean…I don't understand what you want from me…"

"Ryan, you could have been seriously hurt…"

"It was an accident. Stuff like that doesn't happen every day, I could fall down in the shower and hurt myself, I could cut myself when I reach in the silverware drawer for a spoon for my cereal, there's tons of things that could happen to me just around the house. I don't understand why you're forbidding me to go to school."

Kirsten was still flushed.

Ryan held out his phone. "Here. I guess I'm not allowed to talk on the phone either."

"I'm not punishing you. I'm trying to keep you safe." She didn't take the phone.

"I am safe. I'm not dying anymore, Kirsten. You…you really came through for me, you took care of me when I needed you to, you talked to me and really helped me…but I'm not dying anymore. I'm getting well. It takes time and I still need you, but I don't need to be locked away…I just have to be more careful…" Ryan said quietly.

She sighed. "I'm sorry."

"Me, too," Ryan said. "Why aren't you at work?"

"I wanted to check on you…"

"You can't take care of me forever. Don't you need to be at work?" Ryan asked.

"I think that I'm going to leave you alone for now. I have some phone calls that I need to make." Kirsten said, turning and leaving the room.

Ryan flipped open his phone and dialed Seth.

"Man, what the hell happened?"

"Your mom. Tell Mr. Anderson that I'm sorry. I'll take whatever grade he has to give me…"

"But…"

"I'll see you at home." Ryan didn't want to talk to anyone. He closed the phone and turned it off. He need to clear his head. Again.

The web site Seth had directed him to a few days earlier had been very helpful. He had even called Dr. Tarleton and gotten some tips.

But several of the links had been more helpful.

He'd started meditating.

He wasn't sure if he was doing it correctly, but whatever he was doing was helping. Clearing his mind, controlling his breathing, focusing on the good and not the bad…it helped. One hour in the morning and one hour before he went to bed. His nightmares had even let up over the past couple of days.

He got up and went into the bathroom. He locked the door behind him. He took a quick shower and got dressed before returning to the bedroom.

He sat down in the floor and 'assumed the position.'

He tried not to think of what Trey would say if he could see him. Because this was one of the few things that actually helped.

Silence brought clarity.

He took several deep breaths and tried to relax. To clear his head.

It worked.

He had to find a way to get through to Kirsten.

He was getting stronger. He hadn't puked in over 18 hours, a record since the chemo ended.

He felt trapped. Suffocated.

He took another deep breath.

Kirsten was scared of something. He'd scared her. She loved him, he finally believed that, so she wouldn't be hurting him on purpose.

She was doing this because she was worried about him.

He needed to talk to her.

He was strong, he could handle whatever she had to say. He needed to talk to her.

Ryan stood up and walked out, finding Kirsten sitting on the couch.

He sat down beside her. "Will you talk to me?"

"What?" She was stunned.

"Talk. To me. Tell me why you're so worried. If I could understand…it might make it easier for me to accept."

Kirsten looked away.

Ryan sat. He waited. After several minutes, he stood up. "Okay. I gave it a shot…"

"Wait." She took his hand and he hesitated, sitting down.

She didn't speak for a long moment.

Finally, she started speaking in a trembling voice. "My mother…she died of cancer. And she was a fighter…if you think my Dad's a stubborn guy, imagine double that and you've got an idea of how fiery my mom was. She went through chemo, surgeries…everything that was available back then…Seth was still little, he doesn't even remember her…but she…she got better, too, Ryan…then she…just stopped. And she was gone. One day she was telling me that Seth needed a haircut and the next day she was dead."

Ryan wasn't sure what to say.

Kirsten started to cry and he put his arm around her. She cried and he found himself rocking her gently.

"Oh god…" She seemed to recover, wiping her eyes and apologizing. "You're not dying, Ryan…I'm so sorry, I didn't mean…"

"Hey. It's okay. I don't think I've seen you upset in a while, my shrink says if you bottle up stuff that it comes back tenfold…" Ryan smiled.

"Maybe I should go see her," Kirsten sniffled.

"You actually have a meeting next week. Family conference," Ryan admitted.

"True. I'm sorry, Ryan…"

"I didn't know all that about your mother…"

"Because I didn't tell you. I'm pretty scared…"

"You know what? I'm sort of glad to hear it. It means you're normal…and not some kind of mother android…"

She smiled. "I'm sorry. You…you scared me. Getting hurt…you always put yourself in dangerous situation…you always come home with black eyes and bruises…I worry about you."

"It scared me, too. But I didn't get involved, I just sat with Anna and the stray debris got me…I don't want to be sick anymore, I'm not risking my health for anything…"

She nodded. "Okay. I know…" She sighed. "I called Dr. Kim. You can go back to school tomorrow."

"Really?"

"Yes. And Mr. Anderson said Seth finished the presentation and he can see how much you all worked on it. He also said your assignments were exemplary. I'm sorry about…"

"You were only doing what you thought was best for me," Ryan said. They smiled at each other, glad for the tension to be gone.

"So. You hungry?" Kirsten asked.

"Actually, yes. I have this craving for clam chowder, I was going to see what Rosa could…" Ryan started.

"That sounds good. You feel like going out?" She asked.

"Can I?" He replied, surprised.

"With the sling. I'll bring you home before therapy."

"Thanks, Kirsten. That'll be nice."

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	16. Sixteen

_AN: I'm trying to finish this so here's another update. Enjoy!_

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Ryan enjoyed his lunch with Kirsten and as she spent time with him out of the house, she saw how much he was improving. She watched him eat and was surprised to see him eat most of his meal before laying down his spoon.

"You full?"

"I have to pace myself," He replied. "I'm getting better, Kirsten, but I know I'm not well yet. I shouldn't be eating Mexican or anything really spicy, no Italian…but soup, bread, pasta with certain sauces…I have to keep my stomach happy."

Kirsten could see now how seriously Ryan was taking his recovery. "Okay then."

He folded his napkin with his good hand and put it beside his plate. "Finish eating. You've lost a little weight in the past few weeks, too, you know. The Newpsies are going to start talking."

"Yeah, they'll ask me about my diet…" She grinned. "So…how're things with Anna?"

"We're still friends. Sort of."

"Sort of?"

"We're going to try dating when I'm not housebound," Ryan smiled shyly.

"That's nice. You should call her. See if she wants to come over tonight."

"Well, I'm usually pretty beat after my therapy but I'll talk to her tonight," Ryan said.

"She's very nice."

"I think so, too."

"So. You ready to go back to the house?"

"Sure."

She studied him. "You have something else in mind?"

He met her gaze. "Can I tell you something and you won't get mad?"

"I'll definitely try."

"I feel like Seth and everyone's been a little neglected lately. You and Sandy and Seth…you've been spending all your time worrying about me…and none of you have really done anything fun or relaxing for yourself."

"Okay…I can see that, but…"

"So…I don't have any money. But I'd like to do something nice for them. For you. Something to show that there is light at the end of this tunnel."

Kirsten nodded. "That's…very nice of you Ryan. What did you have in mind?"

"Can we go to the mall?"

She smiled. "You know how I like to spend money…we'll have to go straight to therapy afterwards…"

"I'll let you know if I get too tired," Ryan promised.

"You better."

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"Uh oh. Um, Dad?" Seth called. They'd arrived home around the same time and Sandy had gone straight to the kitchen while Seth went in search of Ryan.

"Yeah?"

"Ryan's gone. You think he finally snapped under the pressure and took off for the hills?" Seth asked, only slightly joking.

"Well, Kirsten's not answering her cell phone so I hope she took him to therapy," Sandy replied.

"You think she's going to set him free any time soon?" Seth asked.

"I hope so. You know that I disagree with her, don't you. But I have to support her…"

"I know. But who's supporting us? Like, when does Ryan get a say? You guys make all the rules, but we don't even get a shot at making our grievances known!" Seth said, angry.

"Where is this coming from?" Sandy asked, amused.

"You're a lawyer, you're supposed to understand about the judicial system…"

"This isn't a court…"

"So you just hand out sentences for the fuck of it?"

"Language, Seth. Calm down…" Sandy said, confused at Seth's escalating anger.

"I don't want to calm down. I want my brother to be freed. You know, he's trying to keep up in school, he even got Mr. Anderson to agree for us to do our presentation over the phone and he was halfway through his part when Mom came in and made him hang up. Do you know how long we've been working on that presentation? It's forty percent of our grade, Dad. Forty." Seth said, lowering his voice from a yell to a speaking voice.

"I'm sorry, Seth…was Ryan upset?"

"I hope so. It's not fair, Dad…I know Ryan's getting better, I can see it, he needs to get out…"

The door slammed. "Can we get some help here?" Kirsten called.

Sandy immediately went to her aid, grabbing several shopping bags from her. Ryan was standing behind her holding a single bag in his good arm.

"Where have you guys been?"

"Therapy…and the mall…I'm on parole," Ryan grinned. "Where's Seth?"

Kirsten gave Sandy a hug, kissing him.

"What's going on?"

"Everything's okay…Ryan and I talked and…I know I was overreacting. He's almost too smart for his own good…"

"You took the kid shopping?" Sandy whispered, still holding her.

"Yeah. His idea." She pulled away. "He really is getting better."

"Yeah. He is. He's strong, he's going to be okay," Sandy nodded.

"Hey man," Ryan said, sitting down beside him at the counter.

"Hey. So, what are you going to do about Mr. Anderson?" Seth asked.

"Kirsten fixed it. I get to go to school tomorrow," Ryan said with a sly smile.

"Yeah? How'd you do it, man?"

"I talked to her." Ryan lowered his voice. "Does she ever talk about your Grandma?"

Seth shook his head, confused.

"Your mom really loved her a lot. Kirsten's having just as much trouble with this as you and me. She's just got executive power," Ryan whispered.

Seth smiled. "But you're free now?"

"Yep. Tired, though." He put the bag on the counter.

"What's this?"

"Well, I went shopping with your mom."

"Shopping?" Seth already had a glint of anticipation in his eyes. "For…"

"For you guys. There's been too much dwelling on me lately and I'm fucking tired. So I talked to your mom, said that all of you need to be pampered, too, and…"

Seth was already opening the bag. His face lit up. "You…where'd you find these?"

"God, dude, I had to call all over town…but I know they're the ones you needed to finish out your collection."

Seth examined the comics with awe. "You really do listen…"

"Granted, I have to run everything through a filter, but I do try and pay attention," Ryan laughed.

Kirsten and Sandy entered with the rest of the bags.

"God, guys, where did you go?" Seth asked.

"The mall. Ryan wanted to do something nice for us since we've been smothering him so much lately," Kirsten said.

"Really?" Sandy was surprised.

Ryan couldn't stifle his yawn. "You guys, have fun. I need to go crash before I pass out right here…"

"You don't want to stay and see everyone…" Kirsten started.

"I do…I just don't think I should. I need to lie down…I'll come out again later…" Ryan said, leaving before they could stop him.

"He walked out of the therapists with that look on his face again…the one like he lost his puppy…but by the time we got home, he was back to normal. We had a good day today," Kirsten said.

Seth was rummaging through the bags. He pulled out a small box. "What's this?"

Sandy took it and opened it. "It's a new leg rope…for my board. He must've heard me say I lost the old one…."

"He pays good attention. He bought me a new manicure set, I was doing my nails in his hospital room a few weeks ago and I left the box there. He remembered," Kirsten said.

"He talked you into this? The new _Halo_? Oh god…this is just…" Seth scurried out of the room with the video game. "Ryan!"

"This was really nice of you," Sandy said, finding a new wallet in the next bag. It was the same style as the one he carried, but it wasn't frayed and bursting like his current one.

"Ryan's idea. He wanted to do something nice for us, but he didn't have the money. So he had to suck it up and ask me to take him. We had a good time."

"What happened between you?"

Kirsten hesitated. "He asked me to talk to him. I…I lost it when I saw him on the phone with his computer…I don't know what I was thinking, but I snapped. Turns out he was on the phone with his chemistry class doing a project conference call. He was…he was so calm, Sandy, he just walked out and asked me to explain it to him. Why I wouldn't let him go out…"

"And? What'd you say?"

"I…I told him about my mother. How she went through all the treatments and we thought she was okay…and then she just died…I haven't let myself think about it…even now, I've been hiding from it…" Kirsten said quietly.

Sandy embraced her. "I'm sorry I didn't make the connection…"

"I don't think I did either…until he made me think about it…" Kirsten sighed.

"Everything's going to be okay, honey…"

"I know. I'm sorry about…"

"Don't be sorry…"

"I got something for us while Ryan was in the video game store," Kirsten said with a smile, pulling a bag out of her purse.

"Yeah?" Sandy pulled a book out of the bag and immediately blushed. "Kirsten…Kama Sutra?"

"We've been talking about it a long time…I figured we could give it a try…" She grinned.

"Definitely…" Sandy laughed.

Seth burst into Ryan's room and saw him asleep on the bed with the phone in his hand.

"Dude. You can't sleep, you have to wake up and play this with me…" Seth insisted, sitting on the bed and shaking Ryan.

"Hmm?" Ryan didn't open his eyes.

"Seth?" A small voice called. Seth took the phone from Ryan's limp hand and put it to his ear.

"Who is this?"

"It's Anna. I was talking to Ryan and then there was just nothing…"

"He fell asleep. But he's been released, he can come to school tomorrow and Mom took him shopping and bought us all stuff and…"

"Seth. Pause. Slow down. He's been released?"

"Why don't you come over?" Seth asked.

"Can I?"

"Yes. You can. Granted, Ryan is sleeping right now but I'm planning on sticking around until he wakes up, he got me lots of presents and I need him to play with them with me," Seth said.

"Okay…do you want me to call Summer?"

"Sure…tell her to come over, too…" Seth said, distracted as he loaded the game into the system.

"Seth? Are you sure…"

"Yes, Anna, completely, Ryan won't mind, he's asleep and he had a good day today so come over and see him," Seth said.

"Okay. I'm on my way…" Anna hung up.

"Seth? What are you…" Ryan stirred, blinking tiredly at him.

"You can't buy me a brand new game and then not play it with me, that's just not allowed…"

"Can I just take a nap first?"

"Sleep, dude, I'm not going anywhere," Seth said, not even looking at him as the opening graphics appeared. Ryan smiled and rolled over, immediately drifting back to sleep.

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"Guys, you know the rules…he's still tired, okay?" Kirsten peeked into the bedroom.

Ryan was asleep on the far edge of the bed. Seth and Luke were sitting on the end, painfully close to the TV while Summer and Anna were on the bed beside Ryan flipping through magazines.

"Yes, Mom," Seth said, not looking away from the TV.

"There's pizza in the kitchen, too," Kirsten said before leaving.

"This game is awesome…I'm still waiting for mine to come in the mail, stupid pre-order…" Luke said, managing to speak despite his awe.

"I'm so going to kick Ryan's ass at this game, I'm getting such a jumpstart…" Seth said.

"Cohen, we're going to go get some pizza, you should probably blink some time soon," Summer sighed as she left with Anna.

"So, Cohen. How's Chino really doing?"

"He's better…"

"Then why did your mom flip out? I mean, he looks lots better…" Luke said.

"She…she got worried about his safety. With his arm and stuff."

"The stitches are nasty but…"

"He could've bled to death, Luke. He has to be extra-extra careful for a while."

"We'll make sure of it. If we have to follow him around for the next six months, we'll do it. Coach Jenkins made it clear that this was our fault. The team's, I mean," Luke said quietly.

Seth paused the game. "It was an accident."

"I know. But your mom…I think she laid him out," Luke confessed. He glanced back to see if Ryan was still sleeping.

"He's coming back tomorrow. She's cool now, they talked it out," Seth said.

"Let's get some pizza, my eyes are getting crossed," Luke said, standing up.

Anna returned while the rest of her friends were eating. Ryan hadn't stirred.

She climbed onto the bed and settled beside him. She wanted to talk to him, not just watch him sleep. She lowered her lips to his ear. "Ryan…Ryan, are you going to sleep all night…"

"Sleep…yeah…" He muttered.

"Ryan…"

He sighed in his sleep and smacked his lips. "Anna?"

She smiled as he opened his eyes and regarded her. "Hey, there."

"Hey." He yawned as he sat up. "Why didn't you wake me?"

"You seemed pretty tired. How're you feeling?"

"I feel better, actually. It's good to see you," He said, giving her a one-armed hug.

"I missed you," She said, returning his hug. She looked in his eyes and the next minute, she was kissing him. They were friends, but now that they'd made the decision to take the next step, she couldn't help but kiss him. His lips were magnetic.

"Whoa…sorry about that…" Luke's voice broke through her thoughts.

"Hey, Luke…good to see you," Ryan said, pulling away with an embarrassed grin.

"Yeah, you, too. Cohen called me," Luke said, shaking his offered hand.

"I see he likes the game," Ryan nodded toward the TV.

"It's awesome, dude…" Seth responded, walking in with Summer.

"Cool…"

"You should probably eat something, come on," Anna said. Ryan got up and she took his hand, leading him into the kitchen.

"So. I'll get to see you tomorrow," Ryan said, stopping her in the hallway and kissing her. "And the next day…" He kissed her again. "And maybe even on the weekend…"

She giggled, enjoying his attention.

"And maybe we can try for that real date…"

"Maybe…" She responded.

Sandy's voice drifted from the kitchen. "We have got to get him an answering machine, my hand's tired from taking all his messages."

"Sandy's been on phone detail for the past two hours," Anna said as they separated.

"Uh oh. I bet he interrogated everyone," Ryan smiled, walking into the kitchen.

"Hey, kid. Nice nap?" Sandy asked.

"Yeah. I hear you're taking messages tonight," Ryan said.

Sandy handed him a sheet of paper with his neat handwriting on it.

**_Chip_**_—on the soccer team, wants to make sure you're really coming tomorrow. Sounds drunk.   
_**_Teresa_**_—long distance from __Chino__, angry, says you haven't returned any calls-call her.   
_**_Larry_**_—calling from Vegas-sounded drunk but wants to know about Chemistry—do his parents know he's in Vegas alone?   
_**_Trey_**_—calling from jail. Says you haven't returned his calls, either. You should call.   
_**_Mr. Anderson_**_—just checking in. Says there's a quiz tomorrow. Study.   
_**_Todd_**_—don't know him. Says he's sorry about the accident and wants to make it up to you (who is this kid?) and will see you tomorrow._

"Thanks, Sandy," Ryan smiled.

"You should call your brother, Ryan. And Teresa…and…"

Ryan held up his hand. "Larry doesn't drink. His Dad knows where he is. Chip…he might be drunk, I don't know. And Todd…he's a guy on the soccer team."

"Todd's brother is the kid that threw the glass," Kirsten said from the counter.

Sandy nodded. "Okay. That answers all my questions."

"What do you feel like eating, Ryan? Would you like me to make you something?" Kirsten asked.

Sandy coughed on his pizza.

Ryan laughed. "No, that's okay. I think I'll just have a sandwich and some fruit. Nothing heavy or anything." He went to the refrigerator and started gathering the things he'd need with his good arm.

"How's your arm feeling, kid?" Sandy asked.

"It hurts sometimes, but I can tell it's healing because the stitches itch like crazy," Ryan replied. "I can't wait until I can stop using this sling. My arm was hurt, but my hand and my shoulder's fine. I hate this thing," He muttered.

"Well, you have a doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon so hopefully you can get rid of it," Sandy said. Kirsten glared at him. "What?"

"He needs to wait until the stitches are out," She said.

Ryan gave Anna an amused glance. "Guys, don't start up again. We have company."

"Okay, we'll discuss it with the doctor tomorrow," Kirsten said.

"So, is it just for the stitches or is it a general checkup?" Anna asked.

"He's going to run some follow up tests," Ryan answered. "Blood tests, MRI, stuff like that. To make sure the cancer's gone."

The kitchen was silent.

"Can you pass me that apple?" Ryan asked, ignoring their silence. Anna reached over and picked the apple out of the bowl and took it to the sink to wash it.

"Chino! Are you going to play this thing tonight?" Luke's voice echoed through the house.

"Like I can play with one hand anyway," Ryan muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Come on, Ry," Anna laughed, picking up his haphazardly assembled sandwich and carrying it back towards his bedroom.

"You're both coming tomorrow, right?" Ryan asked, holding the apple.

"We'll be there, Ryan. Sandy's picking you up from school and I'm meeting you both there," Kirsten replied.

"Thanks. I'm going to go eat," Ryan said, giving them a smile before leaving.

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	17. Seventeen

_AN: Okay. I know this is going to piss off a lot of people but it won't be the first time. This is the finale...for now...there will most certainly be a follow up to this but for now, this is the end. _

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_If I could I would shrink myself and sink through your skin to your blood cells and remove whatever makes you hurt but I am too weak to be your cure.  
__Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?  
__I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind.  
__--Brand New_

School was like homecoming for Ryan on Wednesday. Most of the soccer team was out front when Summer dropped him off with Seth. Seth couldn't stop the jocks from sweeping him into the building, but Summer joined him and they went inside.

The team wasn't allowed to enter the classroom so Ryan was standing in the hallway talking to them.

"Here comes Dr. Kim, you better get in here," Seth warned, heading into the classroom.

Ryan ducked out of the hall as the jocks scattered. Dr. Kim followed him in, giving him a stern look.

"It's nice to see you, Ryan. You're looking much better, despite the arm," She said, softening her expression.

"Thanks. It's good to be back."

"Stay out of trouble, okay? I don't want to get on Kirsten's bad side again," She smiled, leaving.

"God, Ryan, Mom must have went off on everyone in town," Seth laughed.

"She's definitely protective. Did she make you wear a helmet or something when you were small?"

"No, dude, but when I first started skateboarding, I was almost in full body armor. I had safeguards where no one should have safeguards."

Ryan laughed.

"So. You worried about today?"

"Today? Why?"

"The doctor, dude," Seth stated.

"Nah. I mean, even if its bad news, it's going to take a couple of days for the results to come back. Whatever it is, we'll deal with it, right? I mean…I'm not giving up," Ryan said.

"That's cool, man. I don't know what I'd do without you," Seth admitted.

"Me, either," Ryan replied. The bell rang and the classroom started to fill with students.

Mr. Anderson stepped in and gave Ryan a smile and dropped a file on his desk. He started taking roll. Seth's desk was close to Ryan's but he was leaning over his shoulder anyway to see what it was.

"Seth. You can see it after class," Mr. Anderson scolded.

"Sorry…" Seth turned red and settled back into his desk. Ryan gave him an apologetic smile before returning his attention to the file.

Mr. Anderson quizzed the class and then lectured for the rest of the period. When it was over, Seth immediately pulled his desk close to Ryan's.

"So, man, what's that?" Seth asked.

"It's just my workbook. He had time to grade my stuff…" Ryan shrugged.

"And?"

"It's good. Here," Ryan passed it to Seth so he could look it over.

"Damn, man. You really are smarter than you look," Seth said.

Ryan laughed. "Thanks, I guess…"

"I'll see you after class," Seth said as the next teacher stepped in.

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Anna was quiet during their class but she was waiting outside for him once he was done with meeting with the teachers and Dr. Kim before his doctor's appointment. She took his hand and kissed him gently as soon as he recognized her presence. She pulled him to the side of the stairs.

"Hey," He laughed when she let him breathe.

"Hey. I wanted to ask you something," She whispered.

"What is it?" He wrapped his arms around her. She was shaking and he started to worry.

"Can I come with you today?"

"Today? Anna, it's just a check-up, nothing…"

"I know. But…I don't want you to be alone…"

"I won't be alone. Sandy and Kirsten are going to be there. God, we had to bribe Seth to keep him from coming…it's nothing serious," he said, running his hand down her cheek tenderly.

"But you said that they're going to make sure the cancer's gone…"

"They check that every time," Ryan replied.

"But…you're doing so much better off the chemo…"

"And hopefully I'll keep getting better. Don't stress, Anna. Why don't you come home with Seth after school? That way you can see me as soon as I get home and you won't sit at home alone worrying…"

"Yeah, I'll be sitting at your house worrying," Anna snorted.

"The fact that you want to go with me…it means a lot. But I don't want to make a big deal out of this, it's not a big deal. Okay?"

"You…okay, Ryan. I'll wait. But…but you know I'm here, right?"

"I know," He said, pulling her close and kissing her deeply.

Seth cleared his throat from behind them. "All right now, break it up. Dad's here for you," he said with a grin.

"Shit. I'll see you guys later," Ryan said, shouldering his bag and hurrying down the steps. The door to the BMW swung open as he reached the bottom.

"You think he's okay?" Seth asked.

"Yeah. I do."

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_The best part of what has happened was the part I must have missed.  
__So I'm asking you to shine it on and stick around.  
__I'm not writing my goodbyes.  
__I'm not letting you check out. You will beat this starting now and you will always be around.  
__I'm there to monitor your breathing I will watch you while you're sleeping.  
__I will keep you safe and sound.  
__Does anybody remember back when you were very young?  
__Did you ever think that you would be this blessed?  
--Brand New_


End file.
